Roll Call 201

Heading to work in a couple hours. Work from 5pm to 9pm.

Been practicing ukulele a lot. Learning Oh come oh come Emmanuel on it. Also been practicing my violin. Working on sight reading and music theory too.

I was an anxious wreck earlier today. Idk why. I just started feeling dread about work tonight and it kept building up and I was starting to panic. I took my beta blocker (propranolol) and it helped calm me down a lot.

I’ve been meditating at least 20 minutes a day everyday.

SP if you read this idk if you listen to podcasts but Jay Shetty who wrote the book Think Like a Monk has a podcast and it’s really good and motivating and insightful. I subscribed and started listening to it

Also been reading a lot. I’m reading a book about making/breaking habits and how mindfulness helps. And also reading a horror novel and also the fantasy series Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Maas
Season 3 of Chucky has started releasing. An episode every Wednesday. So I started that last week. I’m a huge horror fan and love this show. Been watching it the past 3 years. I love that they always release the new season in October for Halloween time.

The weather is cooling off. It was 43 degrees yesterday. Feels a lot nicer out.

I feel good mostly. Just struggling with really severe work anxiety but that’s about it. My mood is good. I’m trying to cut back on coffee because I drink too much of it. I’ve cut myself down to 3 cups a day. And am gonna do that for a week. Then keep gradually cutting back, then going to decaf.

I slept good last night. Slept from 9:30pm to 8am.

Thanks bluebird that’s one of my all time favorite books I’ll have to look for the podcast

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A psychological game is being played on me by admins cuz of who I am.

No one sees my unique perspectives on drug use here - And still stigmatize what is considered a mental illness. I don't even agree with liberal "Drugs should be legal etc". I can't even mention specific controlled substances in Roll Call (Even though they are decriminalized here).

They are trying to save their ***, but also say "We won't delete your account, cuz you'll just make another one - So just log off and don't come back".

It's cuz I deleted my account every 6 months many times in the past (Cuz I was paranoid). All of my information is left on here, so I just continue posting.

And I don't feel welcome, don't feel safe here. I am an outcast, and want my account deleted. Everyone is just a bunch of infinite Rubicks cubes anyways. It doesn't even matter.

I've explained everything almost every day, and still no one gets it. Or they have had bad experiences with family members - Or just simply judge others for self medicating. I know it's my fault - Like one sec..;

"I remember in rehab, it was so boring and everyone was watching TV + I had to talk to people, so I went to bed as early as possible - The psychiatrist put me on "Nozinan" (Like Seroquel, but really dirty), increased the dose 8x times. He said "If you're waking up 10 times during the night, you need a sleeping pill (But a non-addictive sleeping pill) and I go to bed at midnight - Idk why you don't do that" and I was like "You took me off the stimulant - I'm too tired to exercise my mind during the day, for it to deserve a good sleep at night" - And now (On stimulant)? - I don't wake up ONCE at night and I sleep a long time. I'm not stoopid. But psychiatrists are stupid, making me stupid, which makes them even more stupid, which makes me even more stupid. I had to mature.. Anyways, just a thought..

Yknow what.. All of what I went through, of course didn't have to happen, but the psychiatrists could have made any decisions. I did this to myself."

And I'm okay with that. I've been abused, neglected and isolated. I'll get better, just delete my account. I was 16, frontal lobe wasn't developed.

Ah don’t leave us! Forget what everyone thinks know that we enjoy having you around here.

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Sorry =[ I'm a bit mentally ill lol. But day 2, and I am okay.. As just these meds as prescribed are very good for me =]

If the admins don't hate me, they won't delete - And have empathy. But one specific (Or two) didn't seem to like me.. But I wanted to reset my account.. If they wanted me to do what I said in the beginning, this wouldn't have happened.

I'm confused about what is support from paranoia, and not trusting. But I was immature too back then. So w/e. It is what it is.

If they delete my account, I won't make a new one. I am man of my word! (But they didn't believe me). If I get banned? That's quite ******.

Police had the whole street of my bus stop on the way home blocked off with tape and there were like 5 police cars.

The bus rerouted and went down the street I live on so it just dropped me off directly across the street from my apartments.

Not unusual around here. It happens pretty regularly

Work was...... work. I'm home now. Trying to wind down so I can sleep a bit but that's unlikely. I'll get a few hours if I'm lucky. I have a hard time winding down when I get off late in the day. I have to go in tomorrow from 12pm to 4pm. Then Thursday 5pm to 9pm. Then I'm off for 2 days. Then back to work Sunday for a 6 hour shift.

I'm just keeping showing up every shift, despite anxiety, panic, despite stress, despite rude customers, despite the dread I feel before every shift, just keep going and keep building experience. I've been an employee there for one month and 11 days so far, so nearly a month and a half, that's pretty cool. I hate it, but it is something to do I guess. If I get fired someday I'll just try to find another job and just keep building the experience and resume up. I have to not be so hard on myself for not meeting my own high expectations, I'm not perfect, and I went from never having a job to having one and somehow managing to keep it and getting experience. This is a miracle. That I haven't walked out yet and given up. And I've wanted to on way more than one occasion. Something is keeping me from doing that. Idk what. It's not enjoyment from the job keeping me from leaving, it's basically feeling somewhat responsible and not wanting to screw things up with my first job. Maybe someday I'll finish my associates degree and get a better type of job. As much as I hate working here, and I do, I don't hate working in general, I like being active and contributing, it feels good. It sucks but it's also good at the same time if that makes sense.

I don't see myself ever being able to handle full time work due to my anxiety and mental health, but I can manage part time

I'm in an extremely negative and painful mental state cuz of what that coworker did to me last month. And my paranoia. And having to hide (Obvious) things/not tell the truth about them.

I remember I just wanted to cross behind a car (Instead of walking on the crosswalk) and the guy in his car stopped was like "Wtf?" - He can **** off. Even though that was like months ago.

Fine. I have schizophrenia. I am negative too. Put me in the psych ward forever, cuz I won't get better. I hate antipsychotics. I want to keep my intelligence. I want a reality where there is different laws of physics (Without sex);



Cuz of what everyone has done to me. New reality pls.

Meds kicked in nvm I feel better.

Don't worry about me. Never worry about me.

Did about 45 minutes of training today for my new position. Other than that the rest of the time was spent on the sales floor putting new merchandise and clothes on shelves and racks. And I did about 20 minutes of cashiering when they were backed up

Tomorrow I’m gonna be learning how to interview people and more on how to run orientations

It was a pretty good day. First day I haven’t felt like walking out

Covid is spreading around at work in employees so I should probably get some of those tests in case I end up with it

Good morning, slept good. Got up at 5am. Got work tonight from 5pm to 9pm. Then I’ve got 2 days off. I feel good, my mood is good. I’m feeling a lot more optimistic than I was the previous couple weeks. Idk why. Maybe because I’m sleeping better and taking my meds. I was missing them periodically.

I ordered some covid testing kits from covid.gov, just in case I get it since it’s been spreading around at work a lot.

I’m going to the movie theater with my friend tomorrow to see the new Exorcist movie.

The rest of the clothes I bought from Hot Topic came yesterday. They told me the package was lost because it hadn’t had any updates in over 2 weeks so they gave me a refund then it suddenly showed up yesterday finally. It was a legend of Zelda t shirt, a nightmare before Christmas t shirt and a super Mario sweatshirt

I’ve lost 11 lbs since I started my job. From being a lot more physically active and eating less /not boredom eating or bingeing

Debating whether to go back to college in January

Absolutely go this will lead you to better jobs….you can often get student jobs.

I will, I was just debating because I wasn't sure if I'd be able to handle it and work at the same time, but I wil go register the week of October 22nd for the spring semester which starts January 16th

I am so exhausted. I’m having hard time staying awake and I woke up at 5am and it’s almost 2pm. Idk why. I slept fine last night but I feel almost as bad as when I skip a whole night of sleep

I’m worried I might have covid, or it’s developing or something. Because of the severe fatigue and I woke up with a sore throat. I’ve been around /in very close contact with at least three people in the past week that have all tested positive for it and are out sick right now. My old boss tested positive for it too, he’s no longer contagious but he’s back.

Sore throat is classic Covid, you should test.

I don’t have a testing kit

I have work tonight from 5pm to 9pm so I have to head out in about 45 minutes to the bus stop.

Free kits mailed to your home at Covid.gov

I signed up for that yesterday

I wish I could take today off. I technically have 3 1/2 hours of paid sick time/ PTO I could use but that wouldn’t cover the 4 hour shift

Today should be at least an hour or so of training so that will be easy though, then like 2 hours of whatever they want me to do