Roll Call 201

What’s everyone doing for Halloween (if you celebrate) I’m gonna finish watching Scream VI tonight, other than that not much. Just listen to music and enjoy the evening. Might practice ukulele some. Will probably watch an episode of full metal alchemist with my bf later tonight when he gets off work. We’re almost done with it. We have like 14 episodes left and they’re only 20 minute episodes. There’s like 65ish episodes. Its called full metal alchemist: brotherhood. It’s an anime show you can watch it on Crunchyroll. It’s really good. Tomorrow I’ll get back to watching Christmas movies on the Frndly app SP recommended. I’m putting my Christmas tree up this weekend. I know it’s really early and it’s not even thanksgiving yet. But I love how it looks and it really puts me in a good mood

Saw the doctor today. Went over my low blood pressure, my Fitbit saying I had a low resting heart rate, headache, lightheadedness.

Did blood tests (have to wait for result), EKG (results were good). Sent in a referral for an echocardiogram.

Basically it might be POTS. So I’m supposed to drink more fluids, and eat more salt. I’m extra salting my food and drinking lots and so far it’s helping, but I find myself constantly having to eat which is annoying.

Right now I have a bag of gluten free pretzels and a gluten free alcohol free beer.

Going to hand out candy later. Not much else for my plans.

Oh, and the results from my pelvic ultrasound were normal so there’s nothing wrong with my vagina apparently which is weird. But apparently a lot of stuff going on lately could be POTS related so.

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Got ready for the day, brilliant! Sunny and warm outside =]

I'm spending Halloween alone, with my dad.

Yikes I had no idea today was Halloween lol. I'm going to stop working now and get ready to watch The Swerve, then The Forever Purge (5th in the franchise), then Play Dead. I kinda like the purge franchise.

I am here. I want to produce things like fiction. I am seeing a new psychiatrist tomorrow. I am also switching back to different therapy. We'll see if it makes any difference. I like bouncing my thoughts off of people. You know. Just to get opinions on stuff. They say in the philosophy of science that a plurality of methods and theories can lead to better scientific results. My girlfriend seems suspicious of me. I don't like it much... I feel too much responsibility. I can't deal with that. I also can't take on a forty-hour work week without olanzapine.

Happy Halloween.

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Big mistake having 3 cups of coffee today. My caffeine tolerance went way down because I was drinking decaf for awhile. 3 cups of regular today in the afternoon. Yeah not a great idea. It’s after midnight and I’m sitting here with really bad anxiety bordering on panic and a fast heart rate and can’t sleep. I just took a propranolol so hopefully that helps. Only having one cup of coffee tomorrow. I overdid it today.

I am fine this morning, shouldn't have taken the olanzapine, the truth is that I always feel bad when I deviate from my psychiatrist's advice. Why is that? I always wonder how the psychiatrist actually knows so much.

Never mind, I am going to see the new psychiatrist and see what he has to say about olanzapine. 15 mg olanz. has always helped me.

I bought a waterproof tote bag that can be zippered closed, a compact umbrella, and a portable phone charger. So I’m all set for work. I’ve been using a crappy old tattered falling apart reusable grocery bag to carry my stuff so it will be nice to have a nice dedicated work bag that’s also waterproof. Phone charger is a must cause I don’t want to run out of battery away from home. The umbrella is nice cause it’s compact so I can just bring it with me everyday in my bag so I don’t get stuck in rain without one. I also got a camelbak water bottle since I need something to bring to drink water at work.

There’s just a couple more things I’m getting Friday then I’m all set for work/winter/bad weather.

So I’m gonna get a beanie, a neck/face warmer, and new winter gloves. I already have a Columbia coat I bought last year and a pair of Columbia winter boots I bought last year I haven’t used yet. So yeah I’ll be all set for the cold weather and whatnot

I do need to grab a cheap spiral notebooks and some pens because I’m supposed to have pen and paper with me when I’m doing the talent captain thing.

Also I updated the drivers on my laptop so I'm hoping this solves my games crashing

Hugs try to stick to one in the morning and it’s all good.

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I have an appointment in around an hour with a new psychiatrist. That is good. My former one was being a pain. He didn't respond to questions of mine, he always wished to set the tone for the appointment, meaning he didn't listen to my questions or anything like that, he never addressed my questions, even though I asked them multiple times, and I am done with this sort of treatment. Why does psychiatry have to edify itself so much? What I mean is that psychiatry edifies a person. Meaning psychiatrists feel like they have to "do science" in order to treat a patient. No, not in all cases. I think that psychiatrists would be well, maybe even better off, if they learned how to listen to their patients. Meaning that they would be served by the practice of listening, instead of speaking. I think I got in about thirty words or so in my last psychiatry appointment. I'd so much rather be the one saying most of the stuff. Of course the professional needs to respond and show his or her knowledge of the matter at hand, but I felt totally unheard. Maybe that's why I am a psychiatric critic (that does not mean I am a skeptic of the psychiatric medicines, that is not what I mean). I just like to philosophize about psychiatric care in general and how it evolves, how it devolves, etc. Regardless, I am looking forward to seeing someone new finally, as (I think) he knows what he's doing.

It's a very happy universe. The universe is always happy. Remember.

And this is my most important post.

Cuz that's where everyone is trying to go/get to, and where we are destined. Unless you're deranged, or in darkness (And if so? That's why people pray..)

The light then/always shines, and blesses - That's why the flowers love to soak up that good sunshine. It regenerates them, they grow.

It was but the sun that has given life to this planet.

If the sun doesn't rise the next day?.. Well.. Idk then. The world would be stopped.

I got all the ingredients to make chili in the crockpot

My bag I bought for work came today, it’s perfect. It’s like canvas type material. And is waterproof. Also my portable charger came and my camelbak water bottle came as well, yay! Stupid little things that make me happy

It’s good that little things make you happy!

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Yeah I’m excited to use my new bag for work lol it has a lot of room in it. And I’m hoping having this water bottle helps motivate me to drink more water. I don’t have a problem drinking water at work because I get extremely thirsty cause they have the heat on and it’s a lot of physical activity so I drink a lot of it there and afterwards. But at home I tend to choose black coffee over water 95% of the time which isn’t great. I’m excited to go back on Monday

Life is good, for now.

I know in the world there's horrible problems.. But there always are. People still get drunk and slip on ice - break their neck, cheat with 3 other people and crash their cars.

It will always be.

I never believe a word I say =[

=]



No jk... I do.. I just have scrambled egg thoughts.

When I get asked "Hru" at work, I'll say "I'm trying to be good - But the whole universe is caving in on itself!" (Just so they know that I'm not faking trying to be good.. Even though I actually am good, for their sake - To not seem insensitive, but also to let them know, that when I'm in a bad state, and they are good?, to put them in their place..)

Cuz on Sunday? I left work at 12pm and the owner of the restaurant, she said "You're leaving early? Why?" and I said "My dad is visiting", she said "Quit your job?" (And I threatened to leave 2 months ago cuz of the immigrant asking questions) - I said "What?", and there was a silence, and she said "Nothing"...

So I walked home, ruminating - I got really agitated (Cuz the day before, I was working aggressively - Cuz I had an appointment soon after work, and didn't want to miss it, or tell anyone before hand that I had an appointment/Cuz I didn't want to make it seem like I have appointments all the time + Didn't want to talk to anyone) but I made up for it the next day (On Sunday) by working really slowly (Yet got everything done at the same time);

I try to get everything done ASAP, to leave early (At 12pm-12:30pm). In the beginning, her husband (Other owner) said "You will work from 9am-12:30pm or 2pm" - But if I get everything done, *and it's not busy*, idk when I'm supposed to leave either.. And I hate standing around.. I went on my phone (Which I do rarely) when the immigrant chef was working and he said "Oh you're on your phone" (Like I was lazy) and said "Does your mom pay for you to work less or what?" - He was 100% judging me.

Anyways, all of this annoyed me - So on Sunday (After work), I was at home - Sitting by the phone, waiting to be brave enough to call the restaurant (To speak to the owners - Cuz I didn't want a misunderstanding to be bothering me until tomorrow when I work again) - I said "Is there a problem? No one listens to me etc etc" and she said "No there's no problem. What are you talking about? I like you" and I said "About 'quitting my job'", she was like what?, and I said "The chef! Are you taking your anger out on me cuz the chef quit" and she said "If the old chef doesn't like working here, that's his problem, not ours", I then said "Oh ok nvm..".

I felt better about that when I hung up. I told my dad (While we were driving in the car), and it was too confusing to explain to him - But I explained it to my mom just now,

So everything is okay, hopefully.. there are no problems tomorrow..

+ I sometimes arrive at work at like 9:02-9:05am (I mostly try to make it there at 8:50-8:55am - I just end up leaving at 8:50am, cuz I find it hard to wake up..), sometimes 9:15am - When I come in early (To drink a coffee before work), they often pour a second coffee, and I end up working at 9:10am. They said "You can come in at 10am, we don't care" (But they have to pay a minimum of 3 hours) .. But I fear that they would think I'm cheating them if I only stay for 2 hours and 45 minutes or something.. So I stay an extra 10 minutes when I come in late (Or how ever long it is), but sometimes I don't...

Maybe I'm overthinking heavily, and all of this is stupid.. But that's how I think. That the restaurant shouldn't even be open - And they should be in an underground bunker, preparing to live longer, or partying with drugs or stealing to survive like the rest cuz no one will afford food much longer, and potatoes etc will be scarce to deliver for cooking.. Yet the owner is stressed and she said "I have to pay the bills" - But they chose to do that for a living, and didn't save up any money (And they're much older than me - And I don't have as much to save as they did at my age, yet I'm still doing it - Even though it looks bleak in the future)..

So that's what I want them to understand.. Yet nothing should be taken seriously anyways.. I don't have to work, why should it concern them. They pay taxes, but they only pay 1 cent every day equivalent divided by everyone for me.. She asked me "Do you have another job?" (Cuz I said that I wanted to not work in November, cuz it's dead) and I said "Why?", and she said "Just asking..", so I work until the 12th.. Even though I don't work much anyways, I'd rather not - And it shouldn't matter what I personally do with my time if it's all about money to them. It's supposed to be about community - And unless one persons taxes magically crosses through near infinite dimensions to pay for everything whenever someone claims to complain about something not being the way that they personally want it to be (In his/her own opinion), even though politicians are corrupt, no one can agree on anything - And people are supposed to debate, but censorship happens, I don't understand. Just leave me alone. I'm not smart enough to fix my own existence let alone the whole universe/space and time, and read every religious text, go to law school, make everyone happy - When they're all holograms or different versions of me.

They tell me I do a good job (Even gave me a hug once for doing over what is expected all the time), and I get everything done fast and early. Why do I have to stay longer, when it's not busy.. They want me to meticulously scrub dry grease for 30 seconds per spot, and there's 500 spots (That you can barely see).. On one door, that can be left for a year, and it wouldn't matter - I can do those things not every day, and I find it hard to find the spots, cuz I cleaned them all as far as I can know - I could spend 10 minutes scrubbing, and then I have another hour to kill.. Searching, around for spots.. Confused as **** and overthinking while I'm scrubbing cuz it won't go away, and I panic about eternally not being able to do nothing, but also nothing important either).

Scrubbing the spots for such a long time, makes me frustrated - As if all the "meaningful" work that I've done for them doesn't matter - Cuz they want me to do extra, so they can sit around, talk, and don't have to do something that isn't that important themselves. If it were important, then they would tell me to do it FIRST, above all the other things that are supposed to be important to them. But they don't - And because I don't, they expect me to be obedient - Like my ex step dad, who I've done every little scrubbing and sanding for cuz he was too lazy to do the meaningless **** himself, and didn't fix my god damn car that I bought when I was 16, even though he was a mechanic - So I drove around in a quad bike, and didn't bother getting a license. I had to sell the ****** car.

Why did I even do all of those things for him.... It was torture and humiliating. he wasn't even my real dad and I hated him, he manipulated me, used us for Canadian citizenship, won the lottery and left the next day. He also beat my mom, screwed around on my her while they were engaged, with a 999 dollar engagement ring, even though he made 200k a year. I didn't know until after, and he would protect her from other men, and wouldn't allow her to have friends, like some alpha prick.

He did it to another family after us, and he did it to another family before us.

Evil, narcissistic, sociopath, mother ****er

lol

I can't wait until I'm like 35 and have my identity etc figured out more properly

I've tried, tried diazepam to
Be the optimist and resist cards folding
You're the crutch that I'm holding
Don't want tomorrow 'cause right now I'm golden

Don't lie lie diazepam you
Promised me the world but now I'm rotting and moulding
And my face it feels swollen
Anaesthetic I block that emotion

I bought a Fitbit inspire 2. It’s an older model but I really mainly use it for tracking steps and sleep. So I really don’t need like a Fitbit versa 4 with all the extra stuff on it or something. Those are nice but they’re not in the budget. I got this Fitbit inspire 2 on eBay for $30, it is pre-owned but in original box and was never used. So I’m excited to get that.