Roll Call 202

I think I’m finally realizing that I’m bisexual, like I’ve had physical attraction to most genders, even though I only ever pursued actually dating men due to fear of what others would think. I’ve been very physically attracted to men, women, and transgender people at various times in my life. I don’t want to bring it up to anyone in my life at the moment yet but my boyfriend is aware. He’s genderfluid. But yeah, that’s a whole thing. I have just now at this moment accepted in myself. Like I’ve always known I’ve been attracted to different genders but I never felt it mattered because I always dated men. But I think maybe I should accept that because I don’t think I should feel bad about it. I’ve been contemplating/pondering it a lot this past year and I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m bi, and that’s fine. I can be very physically attracted to people regardless of their gender or gender identity.

40 hour weeks will sneak up on you, in my opinion. Like doing too many of them will be totally contrary to your goal. I don't know, when I worked full-time it was that way. I worked full-time for 3 months and it burned me out so much that I quit almost like instantaneously one day. Anyway, don't take my advice out of fear, but just consider that 40-hour weeks are not necessarily the best thing ever... I know that it's complicated if you also need the money, so that's another consideration. Good luck.

I ended up calling in today so I can have a break. Cause I desperately need one. But yeah in the weeks after this I’m not going above 28 hours a week. Less than that hopefully. I don’t need the job to survive but I am trying to keep it for 6 months. Just maybe to prove to myself that I can do it. But I’m definitely not doing another 7 day week 40 hours though cause I’m so sore right now, I have blisters on my feet, and bruises on my body. I haven’t slept in 24 hours. And I have work tomorrow. So I decided to call in for todays shift so I can take a break today

I broke up with my bf today. So like about 2-3 months ago he got a new job. And he has this coworker. He’s admitted she’s attractive. She’s tried to flirt with him he said. He said they’re just friends. But like every single time we’re on the phone it’s “so and so this, so and so that” it’s like constantly him talking about her and being all excited about her and now they go to the gym together after work and workout together. And he said he’s gonna let her use his kitchen to cook some cause she’s staying with a friend right now. So he’s gonna let her come over and use his kitchen to cook whenever. Also a lot of the time we’re talking on FaceTime I hear his texts come through and he gets distracted and they’re from her.

Like I feel like I’m justified in being concerned? Idk if I’m overreacting because of my BPD. Like I let it go for awhile. I don’t have a problem with him having friends or female friends but this just seems really excessive especially for someone he barely knows and is completely enamored with.

But idk. So I broke up with him over text. I haven’t heard back yet cause he’s sleeping. We’re also long distance at the moment so it complicates things further.

The thing is I don’t even think he realizes it’s happening. Like I literally believe he believes that nothing is going on. I don’t think things have to get intimate though for it to be considered cheating. But that’s just my opinion. I really just got sick of all our conversations revolving around her and what they’re gonna do. It would be one thing if they weren’t attracted to eachother but they are.

Anyway yeah it really sucks and it hurts. Especially since he seems oblivious to it. I’m not that naive to not realize when someone is falling for someone else

I’m sorry that sucks. But I think you did the right thing for what it’s worth.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks , I keep questioning whether it’s my BPD paranoia and jealousy or if I’m imagining things or if I’m justified in being suspicious

So we talked about it and are gonna try to work on things including better communication. Cause I let things get under my skin and don’t say anything until I explode in impulsive anger. So we’ll see how things go. It’s complicated because we both have bipolar and he has ADHD and I have BPD. So it’s kind of a lot sometimes but we’re trying to work on it

@Desoxyn

What do you know about CBD gummies? Like to promote better sleep and lessen anxiety at night , I’m considering trying them

Hey BB, sorry to hear about your relationship. I've been in hundreds of relationships and they have all failed, cuz I'm schizotypal and avoidant. I'm bisexual too. I don't like relationships because I have a distorted view on them - And I prefer to have my own autonomy, and be in my own head - Do tasks without people bothering me. I still can become very alone though.

CBD isn't the best for anxiety, it can work really well for some people.. It takes a while for it to build up in the system usually (Cuz of its 50 hour half life).

What I did, was smoke CBD flower (No THC) for a while, it built up in my system, and then I could smoke THC flower without getting anxiety - But if I start with just THC flower, I get a panic attack.

What really works for me though are "10mg CBD/5mg CBN/2mg THC" gummies - Those are nice and relaxing. 5mg of CBN has been said to be the equivalent of 5mg of Valium.

I'd just try 10mg of CBD (Without THC), and see how it effects you - People react very differently to cannabinoids =]

Thank you, we’re still together. We talked through it.

I probably am gonna get ones with THC in them because I have smoked in the past and it never caused me any issues. It’s been along time though so my tolerance is probably very low now. But I’m gonna start with a low dose. Part of it is to relax, part of it is to feel good, part of it is to help sleep. The ones I’m getting are these that have CBD and 10mg of THC more for having feeling good and these sleep ones which are a combo 50mg CBD 5mg THC and 3mg melatonin

Also I’m getting a vape pen. Not for tobacco but for THC. Not like gonna smoke all day or anything but I do enjoy it occasionally

Marijuana is completely legal in my state

I did the vape pen in 2017.. It was waaaay too strong.. It's heavy stuff.. Shatter.. I have 1g of Pineapple Express shatter, and haven't touched it in like 5 years..

Just be careful cuz it can give panic and psychosis - Especially too much, and when you're still dealing with dissociation.

*Remember the warning - But otherwise, make sure you do research, and if you decide, have enjoyment.. No being put in prison.. We'll have none of that BS* =]

Thanks I’ll keep it in mind, I’m also gonna just start with the gummies first because I want to build my tolerance first before I try the other stuff. I might actually just do the gummies and keep the vape pen for the future because I don’t want to set off my smoke alarm

I might wait till I visit my bf to try to the pen I’m getting , because at least I won’t be alone and will be with someone who’s used to it that I trust in case something weird happens. He’s smokes daily and has tripped before on lsd and mushrooms

Hey everyone, I have a light week work-wise this week, so I have more time on my hands. To me, this is a good development. I was exhausted last week.

Went to my buildings potluck today. I baked homemade chocolate chip peanut butter chip cookies. They must of gone over well because I put a huge plate out and I everything was gone at the end.

I got some stuff for my apartment today. So I got 4 nice new pillows, a mattress topper, new sheets , a new comforter, a bathroom mat, a new shower curtain

I really like the combo of black comforter and super colorful sheets

I got sick of the beige shower curtain in my beige bathroom so I got this

Pleasant Invega controlled psychosis

I need a break somehow.. Nothing will give me a break. It's like I'm stuck in a video game.

Some of the stuff for my apartment came today. New pillows, bed sheets, a shower curtain and a bathroom mat.

I really love how my shower curtain looks in my bathroom. It really makes it pop. Like before I had a beige curtain and my bathroom is mostly beige to begin with so it really was boring looking and annoyed me for awhile. So I got this pretty dark one.

I have an appointment with my therapist today. Have that yoga class I have to run tomorrow so I’m trying to find a good beginner instructional video for the class.

I can't find the motivation to run on the treadmill anymore. I don't know. People say "motivation is driven by action" but I can't drive myself to act. It is unbelievably hard. Today I just went on a walk and I was overwhelmed by the number of people who were out. I live in a huge city where there are lots of people out and about all the time pretty much. I guess my distress is about the same amount as when I lived in the U.S. I just like it here more because I feel more independent. Anyway, the pandemic ruined my anxiety which was already pretty dire. I mean before the pandemic my anxiety was pretty much tolerable. After the pandemic though and I guess a little bit before it, I needed benzos to cope. And I am still on benzos, however many years later. I guess it has been four years. I genuinely hate benzos, I just haven't been able to get off of them. My psychiatrist says he has ideas for when we meet next on how to get off of them, to reduce the dose really slowly. We'll see if that works in combination with therapy and the other meds I take. Oh how I would love to get off of benzos.

Gotta stay calm..

I did well today..

The horrors will come. But I will be ok.

No! You need a bowl of benzo cereal, every morning..

Switching to diazepam was the best way I got off of 0.5mg of Xanax once per day (28x 5mg diazepam tablets..)

Diazepam is much easier to get off of. You lower by 1-2mg diazepam once every 2 weeks or so.

Some people do volumetric dosing.. They dissolve their diazepams in water and then decrease by however or so millilitres..

You can do this only once you are ready.. But until then, not to stress too much - And take the same dose every day (Usually 3x a day).

Took a long walk and it triggered my dissociation so that sucks. Hate dissociation especially when I’m out in public it makes it worse. I’m at home now trying to snap myself out of it.

Gonna get on the treadmill for 30 min today. Then do yoga, weights, and squats

I’ve been eating a ton healthier recently. So I’m hoping that combined with the increased physical activity helps me lose the last 40 lbs I want to lose and get in better shape.

This morning for breakfast I sliced myself a piece of sourdough bread, toasted it, topped it with half an avocado and a fried egg. Lunch is gonna be leftover meal prep (honey lemon chicken and broccoli) and dinner is gonna be the last of the meal prep. Snack is gonna be a berry spinach protein smoothie

Also slept well last night. And have been mediating daily and journaling daily which helps a lot.