Roll Call 202

It's been a month of crying like every day

Am healing =[

I don’t have work again till Tuesday unless people post any shifts they need picked up between now and then. If anyone does I’ll probably take one or two shifts if I’m able to.

I walked outside for 30 min today. Then I walked on the treadmill for 30 min. I did yoga, and I did weights and squats with resistance bands

I was able to pick up a 6 hour shift for tomorrow cause someone called out and needs it covered so yay

My BPD is bringing out the worst in me lately especially with my relationship. I get so angry and jealous and mistrustful. I do that “splitting” thing people with BPD do a lot. I’m trying to find things outside my relationship so that’s not the only thing in my life because I need something outside of that too so I’m not consumed by it. I need friends. I don’t have any. I don’t even know how to make friends. How do you make friends at 29 years old? Where do you go? My social anxiety makes it difficult, I feel so awkward in social situations.

Anyway, I’m doing okay I guess. When I’m not angry and jealous and trying to impulsively quit my job and wreck my relationship. It sucks. I hate BPD. If I had to chose one disorder to get rid of out of the ones I have (BPD, bipolar, anxiety disorder) it would definitely be the BPD. I haven’t felt this dysfunctional since I was in high school or early adulthood. Like that’s why I stayed out of relationships for 10 years. My relationship is good. There’s nothing wrong with it. But my jealousy brings out the worst in me. I don’t know how to trust people. Like I say I trust people but internally I’m always afraid and banking on people doing the wrong thing and destroying me emotionally. I then try to end relationships impulsively for no logical reason other than to protect myself emotionally cause I’m so paranoid about getting hurt.

So yeah that’s what’s going on with me. Idk what to do. I need to work on some stuff in my DBT workbooks. I want to be better. I want to overcome this. It’s not gonna be easy it’s gonna take a long time and a ton of work. I do want to do it though. I don’t want to keep destroying all my relationships or jobs.

I’m still working. I have work later today. 6 hours shift. I’m going on no sleep. At least I’m going. I wanted to quit last week but I didn’t. I’m trying to stick it out for at least 6-9 months. I keep getting paranoid and thinking all my coworkers are talking about me, laughing at me and hate me.

It’s a difficult time for me. I’m trying

But some good things are I’ve been exercising everyday. I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes yesterday and did weights and squats with resistance bands. That’s two days in a row. I’m gonna get on the treadmill for 30 min this morning, and do weights and squats and yoga before work today. And meditate. Meditation calms me a lot. It helps ground me and quiet my mind and also helps with my anger. Same with the exercise. I’m getting a gym membership soon. My bf is gonna pay for the startup fee and the first couple of months then I’m gonna pay for it after that. Then I can use the cycling thing, the elliptical and whatever else I want. Plus they have fitness classes available. I might try going to some of those on days off work. I’m gonna try to get to the gym 5-6 days a week then have 1-2 rest days a week.

7 more hours till I have to head to work. Other than exercise I’m gonna take a shower. Also meditate. Might also journal some. Hmmm what else. Maybe look through my yugioh cards. And my chess strategy book. And read some. Idk I’ve got a bit till I go to work so I can probably do all of that. I’m glad I have work today though even though it’s a long shift. I need to get out and be distracted for awhile from my thoughts.

Gonna practice violin when I get home from work. I have a violin lesson tomorrow evening. I’m out of practice to be honest. I need to get back to practicing daily. On my days off I want to do at least an hour of violin. Preferably 2 hours. And on days I work 30 min to an hour depending on what shift I’m on. That provides a lot of meaning and a good outlet. It needs to be a priority again. Work, health/fitness, violin, my relationship, in no particular order are what I’m trying to focus on. Eventually I’d like to add friendships to that but I need to go places first and put myself out there in order to meet friends. I might try going to a card shop in a few weeks. Like a TCG shop (magic the gathering, pokemon, yugioh, etc) dungeons and dragons. That would be good to get into. Maybe find some place to learn how to play DnD and make some friends that way. That would help cause I want people with similar interests as friends obviously. I know there’s people I’d hit it off with. I just have no social life outside of work and my relationship right now and that needs to change

Hugs BB. I can tell you've got the negative thoughts (I get those). It's good that you're productive, but there's a self worth aspect (I am like this too), where compassion is to be given to yourself. Hang in there - I know what it's like to not have your own autonomy outside of relationship, not fun.

Idk how long I'm gonna be up all night.. Too much stim.. Heart beating harder and can't sleep. I work in 5 hours.. Have to fit in about 3 hours of sleep.

Ah yes, it wore off.. So thankful. I can finally drift off into a peaceful sleep..

Thanks Desoxyn also hope you have a good day at work and hope you get some sleep.

I head out in about 3 hours from now for my 6 hour shift. When I get home I’m gonna sleep and hopefully sleep in tomorrow .

I did 30 min on the treadmill today and yoga. 3rd day in a row of doing this. Also meditated. I really regretting staying up all night though now. It’s gonna be a long day. Just ready to get it over with. I’m gonna have a coffee and maybe watch some shows or something for a couple hours before I head out.

They asked if I would extend my shift to 9pm and I said yes so I’m doing a full 9 hour shift today. I’m on my hour lunch break right now. Then after this I have three hours of work left including another 15 minute break

Please don't get a vape pen for CBD. A few years ago people were vaping illicit THC and got very sick because they had been made with Vitamin E in them which is an oil. Lots of people died I think. It's not safe to vape THC or any pot product.

Sent from my moto g 5G - 2023 using Tapatalk

It’s legal here. My niece vapes the same one from the shops near here. My bf does too. It’s safe where I am

The reason people were getting sick from them was because people were putting stupid homemade crap in them. THC is completely fine to vape.

I'll pray that it's ok.

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I did my 9 hour shift at work last night. My sister happened to be nearby so she gave me a ride home from work so I didn’t have to wait for a bus. I got some ice cream on the way home. I tried the vape pen. Just a bit cause I didn’t want to overdo it. But it was enough to relax and chill and feel good for awhile. I haven’t felt that relaxed in a long time. Like I’m really glad I didn’t have a bad reaction. My biggest concern was ending up with a paranoid or some sort of bad mental health reaction but I didn’t feel that at all. I just felt calm and good. So I’m happy about that. But yeah, not something I’m gonna do everyday but maybe on weekends or days off sometimes, I’m glad I have them though cause it really oddly helped my anxiety a lot cause I was physically and mentally worn out from work. It allowed me to relax enough to finally get some sleep

Had a beautiful 3 hour sleep - Then I got home, did some things, took a low dose of phenibut, which gave me the sleeps, and I slept another 5 hours. It's 1230am now.

I'll tell my psychiatrist to give me a break from the stimulant - Cuz it makes me care waaaay too much about everything. I'd just love to care less for a while.

I've been on stimulants for over a decade now.

I have a violin lesson later today. I got in 22,500 steps yesterday between work and the treadmill so I’m giving myself a rest day physically. I’m just chilling. Back at the exercising tomorrow. Today I’m making homemade turkey sloppy joes in the crockpot. Other than that not a whole lot going on. Just a lot of violin practice before my lesson which isn’t until 6pm. After that gonna spend some time with my bf.

I managed to get someone to sign up for a credit card at work last night. And also got someone to sign up for our loyalty program. So that’s good. I’m actually enjoying my job. I mean it’s stressful and a lot of work but I can manage it. The people are much friendlier than at my last job. I’ve been there for 26 days so far. I’m trying to stick with it for 9 months then after that my bf and I are moving in together. Well I’m moving down there and I’m gonna be working at his job once I’m down there.

Why is it that I'd rather listen to music than learn at this point. I am deeply feeling person.

All I need is music and mushrooms, ket etc

Cuz the world is too difficult. People are optimistic... But I fear. What happens when there is no ground beneath us.

Because there is no ground.. We're in space. I'd like to learn about pharmacology and such..

I hope AI fixes things. But also people need to know themselves, and love more with proper positive intentions and reactions..

Buddhism would teach me well.. Meditating.. But I'd rather listen to music much of the time.. I have to do what is uncomfortable, cuz then I'd grow more..

What is wrong with me, I'll never know, within this life - It seems like.. I just need friends - I have hope.. But I'm on the computer all the time. It's very unhealthy.. I tried to read today, but it has been the same. Worst is that my mom wanted to go for a hike - But I felt so hyper - In a mood where I wouldn't be able to appreciate the hike.. Cuz of the corruption news and conspiracy research... I've put myself into a strange world..

But I will come out of it much better, with time.. I'm finding solutions, slowly..

People need to awaken - But maybe I'm not as awakened as the people that know the things about society that I do, and musicians, while we were high on plant.

It's been a while since I posted, sorry about that.

Went through a pretty bad episode and got hospitalized, but am doing a little better now. On the Abilify LAI, and about to start clozapine next week.


Been watching House MD, and playing a lot of path exile to distract myself, hope you are all doing well.

Was supposed to have today off work but they asked if I can come in so I’m doing a 4 hour shift today from 2pm to 6pm

I c-A-n-T T-a-K-E i-T a-N-Y-m-O-r-E

Work went well tonight. I have work again tomorrow at 6am to 10am so I have to head out to the bus around 4:45am. But it should be an easy shift cause it’s product placement before the store even opens so I won’t have to deal with customers tomorrow. Just unboxing shipments and putting the new merch where it belongs on the sales floor. I’m coming up on having been working there a full month.

I’m glad I started vaping thc , and am gonna get some of those CBD/THC gummies too. It’s a nice way to relax after work and sometimes on my days off. Feels good.

Anyway, I’m doing good. Oddly enough a lot better than before. The THC works a ton better than my anxiety meds. It also helps my mood and anger. Idk why I haven’t done this in so long. Like I went over 10 years without smoking. I only did it a few times when I was 16 but I never really got a chance to fully experience it and enjoy it in the way I am now. Back then it was just like because friends were doing it, or because I was trying to escape my problems. This is different though. I’m a lot more mature at 29 than I was at 16. I can responsibly do that and still maintain the things I need to do and want to do like work, my hobbies, healthy diet, exercise , my relationship etc. strangely enough it helps my impulsiveness immensely too. Like I was so impulsive for so many years and looking for ways to manage it but I never could, I’d impulsively quit job, end relationships, spend money, binge eat, etc. I don’t even have the slightest urge to do that since I started smoking a few days ago. Like at all. Which doesn’t seem like much but it’s a huge deal considering I couldn’t go an hour without struggling with impulsiveness before.

But yeah I feel really good right now. I’m doing really well in my life. I’m happy and feel like I’m making a lot of progress. My sister told me I seem a ton more confident the other day when I saw her for the first time in months and that made me feel good.