Roll Call 202

Okay so I legit never expected a printer to make me this happy. I have tons of sheet music printed out now. Like maybe 20 pages worth

A drawing reference pic of an anime character from a show I watch, printed in full color

A 31 page yugioh TCG guidebook completely in color printed out.

Omg I am obsessed. It’s so much better having physical copies of things than just having them on my phone or laptop. Im more of a hands on person. I like to have physical things. So having actual print out of things rather than digital copies makes me extremely happy

Earlier I saw a listing of actors who died in 2023, and I looked a little more closely and I saw a small picture of Lara Parker, the actress who was so good at portraying Angelique on Dark Shadows. She was older than I thought. I hope she's in a better place. Angelique premiered on November 22, 1967.

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Happy New Year's Eve everyone! Hoping 24 will be a better year for all. 🦥

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My diet the past two days has consisted of:

Pizza from dominos
Lava cakes from dominos
Cheesy bacon jalapeño bread from dominos
Nutella
Peanut butter

I don’t even know lol I’ve just been enjoying indulging

Those are things I was craving today! I haven't had a PBJ in years, they won't give us that.

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Aw I’m sorry :/ that really sucks. They should let you have what you want, especially around the holidays.

I used to eat pbj every day for lunch in high school. The large smuckers uncrustables ones. With French fries. And chocolate milk. Weird combo but was so good and I ate it almost everyday. Because I preferred it to their main dishes usually

I still eat it at home but I usually use raspberry jam instead of grape jelly.

Sometimes I still get cravings to have fries, pbj and choco milk together as a meal. Probably from having it so much for lunch back in high school.

Speaking of food cravings one time back in high school I went through a phase where pretty much all I ate at home for a couple weeks was kraft Mac and cheese. That’s not all we had at home. It’s just what I decided to eat because it was what I wanted for some reason. I was obsessed lol food cravings are weird.

Yes, it's really strange. I want to have your high school lunches too now. Maybe when someone who might be able to order for me could send bread, PB, and jam (I usually use Smuckers strawberry preserves) I'll be able to have a few sandwiches. It sounds like heaven.


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I had my last tonight, and an oatmeal cream sandwich, and a serving of Ritz bits tonight. When you can't have alcohol it helps to have a lot of snacks and candy. Now I'm thirsty. Happily, I have Wylers Light lemonade mix sticks. Sugar free!

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My vape isn't working. I'll have to buy cigarettes.

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I set up all of my household essentials up for autodelivery with Amazon. So everything I need each month will be delivered so I don’t have to even think about it or worry about going to the store and carrying a bunch of stuff back

Woke up feeling terrible. I told my family to leave me alone - Intestines were feeling bad.

I took phenibut and other things, felt better.. Then I realized I ended up with mild food poisoning - Which is horrible, so I took Pepto-Bismol and a Tylenol 3.

Much better.

Life is difficult - But remember, we are here forever, so better make the best of it. It's a short life anyways, we can get through it - And learn to love it, those missed memories and good times, we've all felt those.. Hope... And this is one of the best possible realities (Especially on antipsychotics - You can do a little shrooms sometimes, just not too much, be a shaman..)..

We get very very dark mental states.. Probably I get the darkest (Cuz I'm too curious - Like crack, coke, heroin, meth etc in the past.. Even though my dad told me not to. I didn't listen).

Wishing you all a happy new year! 2024.. Will be nuts. I have some New Years resolutions - One of them is to always try to obtain a "flow state";

"Flow state, often referred to as being "in the zone," is a mental state where a person is fully immersed and focused on an activity, experiencing heightened concentration and a sense of effortless control."

That's honestly when I'm the happiest. And I don't think I have real ADHD (I knew that already) - Cuz when people write about/explain their ADHD symptoms, Idk wtf they're talking about.. But my problem is not being able to start and complete tasks, unable to prioritize, and seeing the big picture (So when I focus on one task/Such as reading a book - I get severe FOMO for the things I'm missing out on) - So all of that, I need to work on.

With the dextroamphetamine, it always helps me focus.. Cuz I find it hard to focus literally on anything without it, and it benefited my life (Helps with negative symptoms of schiz too, also a mild antidepressant).

I've been on this website since October 6, 2014. I think I was committed to this rest home in May of 2017. I had only been here (on the website) about 3 years when I landed here (at the nursing home). So strange. My antidepressant is working less and less well. I often think about

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So, I need my new phone which requires my friend to travel 6 hours round trip, a pack of cigarettes, and a new mod (vaporizer). That's like a full time job for my poor friend. Going back to smoking is crazy but I want something that won't fail. Cigarettes are easy, you hold a tiny stick, the CNA lights it for you, and you puff on it until it burns up. Vape equipment is buggy, often doesn't work perfectly. I'm not sure if what's wrong is just a plot of the staff who have heard nasty gossip about me, or if they truly don't know how to charge batteries, or the thing just broke, maybe it was dropped on the hard floor, who knows. I just need a vape or a cig asap. So weird, a couple of months ago I was ready to quit vaping and smoking, and skipped it for many days. Now I want them both at the same time. Cig in left hand, vape in right. I want to be suspended in a sort of hammock, floating weightless. Which makes me think of food so then after I vape-smoke I want a whole fried chicken meal, with potatoes, Cole slaw, maybe a biscuit. At least 2 liters of Coke.

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Ordered some groceries. The rest I’ll buy in person on Wednesday. What I ordered was protein powder, two 6 packs of almond milk, a canister of coffee, and a 24 pack cans of fully cooked chicken breast, and 8 boxes of Kraft Mac and cheese.

When I go grocery shopping go Wednesday I’m buying:

- [ ] Bananas
- [ ] big bag of apples
- [ ] Yogurt plain Greek
- [ ] Eggs
- [ ] Pita bread pockets (chicken and tuna sandwiches)
- [ ] Butter
- [ ] Milk (regular, whole (to make kraft Mac and cheese)
- [ ] Wheat bread
- [ ] raspberry Jam
- [ ] Tuna x4 cans
- [ ] Celery
- [ ] Shredded lettuce
- [ ] Jar of black olives

Basically breakfast everyday will be: oatmeal with fruit, OR eggs and toast and fruit or yogurt and fruit and a nutri grain bar
Lunch/dinner will be like a tuna pita pocket sandwich with shredded lettuce, chopped celery , black olives and dinner: Mac and cheese with veggies and protein /chicken mixed in. I also have lots of ramen here at home and lots of oatmeal and nutrigrain bars and peanut butter. And of course I have the protein powder too I can make shakes with. I mean. It’s not the healthiest diet but it’s not the worst and it’s simple and easy to make. At least I’m getting protein, fruit, grains and veggies.

Well, life is alright I guess. I am still trying to find some employment. I don't want to complain, but I hate working. Or I'm just not good at it or something. I don't know how to be honest about it. It's the most anxiety-producing thing in the world for me. Work. All the world talks about work. The only thing you can talk about at dinner parties. I'd rather write fiction.

On another note I am down on the Klonopin, which is good considering I have been on a high dose for the better part of three or four years.

I am listening to white noise right now and it seems to be helpful...

Any tips for dealing with paranoia and anxiety

I just took a propranolol for the anxiety but idk what to do about the paranoia

For paranoia I'm not sure. Part of me suspects the staff here of having either broken my vape or batteries or of lying about charging it. I don't know a direct way to handle it. I think if I'm feeling better overall there's less paranoia.

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Are you taking all your antipsychotics? I don’t normally get it on AP.

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Yes I am I miss doses sometimes though

I missed a few days too over the holidays.

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We are here to channel manic energy from planets that have a sun that rises, as another one sets - and close moons, reflecting brighter rays.

They don't understand us. We don't understand them.

We gotta reach each other, reach the stars.. And cover ourselves in Earth.

The best thing for psychosis? Keep both feet planted on the ground, one hand in the sky.

I ordered a tub of temptations cat treats for Mustachio , she loves treats

I’ve been drawing everyday. And practicing violin and ukulele and studying music theory. I have a violin lesson on Sunday.

Also found a new to me anime called Black Clover so I’ve been watching that on Hulu and it’s really good. Me and my bf are still watching Naruto as together also. We watch a few episodes everyday.

I’m going grocery shopping in a couple hours. Around 6:30am. I just want to get it over with so I have some fresh food in the house. I hate grocery shopping. Which is why I’m going extremely early when there’s hardly anyone there. I’m getting the stuff to make pulled bbq chicken sandwiches with coleslaw on it. The bbq pulled chicken is made in the crockpot. I’ll make it tomorrow (Friday) when I get home from my appointment with my psychiatrist. Other than that just enjoying life really, games (videogames , and trading card games like yugioh , magic the gathering) , practicing music, drawing, studying music theory. Watching shows, spending time with and talking to my bf.
Playing with Mustachio. Meditating. Trying to build healthier habits. Keeping up with volunteering.

And my building is starting to have events again now because they finally got a 2nd housing support specialist so they have time to do that now. So like there’s art/boardgame days, coffee days where they put out fresh coffee for anyone in the community room, juice days where they make fresh juice with a juicer, bingo. So those will be nice and I plan on going to all of them.

Other than my appointment with my psychiatrist Friday , I also have an appointment with my therapist later in the month and appointment with my housing support specialist later in the month as well.

That’s about everything going on for the next month. Plus other random things like grocery shopping a few times. Getting essentials. Taking more walks. Going to my friends house. Cooking new recipes. Cleaning my apartment.