In huge trouble

not sure about the difference between the two, but I liked responses where the goal was not just to criticize me but pointed out where I went wrong while also offering a way to view things differently, to change how I saw the situation.

Just saying "omg you were so wrong" is unhelpful. I posted to get different viewpoints and help to see things differently so that i might respond differently.

Technically I don't meet criteria anymore, but I still view myself as having it. Generally speaking, I don't take medications outside of xanax (very very very rarely) and vyvanse to increase my focus- On other meds like mood stabilizers and anti psychotics and the like, I find myself becoming more emotionally reactive and out of control under the influence of that medication than I would be off of medication.

I only took it the three weeks I was in the DBT program, it caused problems academically so I stopped it.

I've been very honest with the two heads of my program about my BPD and the things I am struggling with, and tried to drop out last semester and they encouraged me to stay.

I recognize my obstacles and have repeated them to admin more than once, and they think (or maybe thought past tense) that I'd be able to do it in the time I have left.

Regardless if I wind up practicing as a therapist in the next 24 months, I'd still like to get my degree. There are other things I can do with it that can get me off of disability.

I am really concerned that's kind of school that literally accepts everyone. What kind of grad program is this? I've never heArd of grad program that turns no one down. That's crazy!

How can they have no criteria at all?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I know they kicked someone out this semester for mental instability but it's a for profit school. Getting in is pretty easy as long as you have money. Staying may be trickier as they don't want us ****ing up at their practicum sites.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I should have also added in my last post, I think you're incredibly brave to be doing what you're doing with the diagnosis you had and maybe don't have so much anymore. Just dealing with BPD kinds of states is hard - and doing it while under scrutiny is even harder. There's a particularly grueling nature to anything academic, not because of the work, because of the culture. It rewards emotionlessness. It's like a snake pit where all the snakes are square.

I hope you do get your degree, and that you can find a position afterward that works with your strengths. Hopefully you can stay relaxed during your disciplinary interlude and get through this.

If you dont agree with it to begin with, but do in the end, then it becomes subjective. If you choose it, it becomes subjective. Basically im just being prickly about the choice of words. I felt like, boy, say "objectively" in college and people will jump all over you.

Irl - if you havent already put me on ignore like half the people on here! - i would ask, what gives you the right? My answer to that question is - hey i was raised by bonnie and clyde. I dont have any morals because my parents actively discouraged them on the one hand, while sending me to church on the other hand. So no, i dont know how to trust; i dont know how to behave. That gives me the right - i am ignorant and confused. I dont know what to think.

Im not asking for you to answer here, but just to answer for yourself - where does your lack of knowledge come from? Its very hard to define whats missing. Mine was attachment. I had no idea what it even was.

the right to...what? lack of knowledge regarding what? honestly i dont at all think that what I lack is knowledge- i have plenty of that. along with self awareness and insight.

what i lack is ability to use that insight, what i lack is emotion regulation, the ability to control strong negative reactions, which results in my easily escalating situations by getting more agitated than a situation requires.

what makes it worse for me is that I can see it happening, I know its happening, I just cant always stop it, sometimes it gets out of control, and when it does, its explosive.

I guess i see things in terms of knowing. I definitely lack emotional regulation too. I remember telling a boss once that i dont keep a promise because my mother never kept a promise. So i dont KNOW what keeping a promise means. And i will get emotionally disregulated when asked to keep a promise. I AM a loyal worker; just dont ask me to PROMISE to be one. That will set me off, that hint of distrust. Aha! Dont tell me you cant trust ME, when you know very well the problem is that i cant trust YOU - that is, the other person - mother, boss, professor.

That works for me. I can see where i acted out my distrust and got fired many times. I wish i could live my life backwards.

I think there is a lot of concern about violence and retaliation on today's campuses and professors have probably been advised to bring anything extraordinary or uncomfortable to them to a higher authority. It is unfortunate, but I think that may be part of the over reaction or zeal of the faculty member.

To follow up on what @538569 stated, here is a relevant read about a statement from a university president

http://www.mrctv.org/blog/okwu-prest...t-s-university

"Our culture has actually taught our kids to be this self-absorbed and narcissistic! Any time their feelings are hurt, they are the victims! Anyone who dares challenge them and, thus, makes them 'feel bad' about themselves, is a 'hater,' a 'bigot,' an 'oppressor,' and a 'victimizer.'"
If you want the chaplain to tell you you’re a victim rather than tell you that you need virtue, this may not be the university you’re looking for. If you want to complain about a sermon that makes you feel less than loving for not showing love, this might be the wrong place.

If you’re more interested in playing the “hater” card than you are in confessing your own hate; if you want to arrogantly lecture, rather than humbly learn; if you don’t want to feel guilt in your soul when you are guilty of sin; if you want to be enabled rather than confronted, there are many universities across the land (in Missouri and elsewhere) that will give you exactly what you want, but Oklahoma Wesleyan isn’t one of them.
...........
This is not a day care. This is a university!

Hey IRL45, how are you doing? Have you been before the board yet?

Yes, I have to re read the ethics code and discuss with my program chair and write 3 pages on how I will improve my interpersonal skills.

In the meeting I kept thinking DBT but I couldn't say that to therapists without alluding to being borderline so I just said I didn't know.

Afterwards I thought about marshal rosenbergs nonviolent communication.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Use your DBT skills. Seriously. This is a situation in which you can help yourself to deal with the situation. It doesn't matter right now who is right or wrong. Grad school is inherently stressful, and you may be expecting professors and others to be more than they really are.... you will be disappointed, you will feel injustice, and you will have some nice times too....
& Remember that Marsha Linehan had BPD herself.

I think its scary that there are programs out there for profit that will accept anyone with money.

However, out there in the world....the degree is devalued considerably vs. a non-profit traditional type of degree.