[Unbrokensoulgeron]

Drama with dancing. No. Crazy idea. Be real.
Sport and Fitness. That ships sailed.
Sport physio, I wasn't ready
To go back to work or education.
Or I would have done well, possibly.
Everybody gets into that college
Says Fred, to me.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

In gallow gate
In his p.e.kit
He was the spit
Of one of my team mate.
I guess every where
Is more or less the same.
I had no direction.
Was my father's fault
Pushing at me.
Troy spoke about
Complimentary therapies
Academic science was not
Possible with the bi-polar anymore
So I swithced to practical or alternative
Art? Cooking? Massage?

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

For a normal person
To admit being bi-polar
They are playing with fire
I guess I had an attitude
But it's a defence mechanism
I am not ignorant
I had just had a
Tough up bringing.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

Dont feel bad.
I was guarded.
It was evident .
That I found the
One on one
Sessions a bit arduous
And didn't seem natural.
But thanks for
Saying my writing
Was good and that
I should try talking
More than confining
Things to paper.
I shouldnt have
Been so arrogant either.
An outsider would
Know in an instant
That someone from
My background
Who had been a patient
In a mental health facility
Would not fare well
Listening to problems
So close to the bone
Or would find
Other people's problems
Trivial compared to my own
Hence empathy would
Not come easy for me.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

I said out of the frying pan
And into the fire
And I was so embarrassed
But I realise now
Why I said it to you
You worked as a nurse
And were a born listener
You just had the right manner.
I felt terrible for leaving
This with you instead
Of keeping the thought in my head.
My gran always said
Your two daughters
Never had a hair out of place.
And my boss said
Your daughters were beautiful.
She must have forgotten
My surname one time
And said something about
The Maguires, moving out
Only a few streets away
From their parents.
At my grandfather's funeral
It was your daughter who
Shouted accross to me
On way out, sensing that
I was feeling ignored.
She was the only person
Who really made an effort.
I wouldn't forget that
In a hurry, even now.
And the other was
So nice when out
With family and gran.
I always felt inferior
To my mum's side of the family
And my step family
Aren't my blood so
No more needs to be said.
I guess I had no one to talk to
And I just had to say,
Is the grass really greener.
I was at the stage
Where my friends
Were becoming acquaintances
Mostly due to the hospital stigma.
The other Fred being so possessive.
I didn't feel I was worth
Somebody trying to hold on to me.
I see why my grandparents
Were so fond of you.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

I didn't feel that I was worth
Somebody holding onto me.

I am not just with you
Because I feel sorry for you
I love you...even though...
Its a good job
You have a man like me
To look after you
Okay we will
Organise a meeting
With your mum and dad
And tell them
That you want to leave
And we will all agree
You need the hospital.
Thats the other you talking.
Its all in your mind.
Someone like you
Will never find
Someone as good as me
I am just an average man
What more can you want?
Don't you realise how
Lucky you are that I hung around.
You were in funny farm
That's why you have
Barely made any friends
Since being with me
Its not me it's you.
You have problems.
You need to see someone.
Let's solve this arguement: hit me
Hit me,come on ,you can't can you.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

So I did blame the hospital
For all my troubles.
It was the mental health stigma
Outwith my hands
That was the reason
Why I got stuck in a rut.
I felt like I could only
Redeem myself in my grandfather's eyes
If I had a great grand child with Fred.
I didn't blame Fred for his views
I blamed societies backdated view
On Mental health issues

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

If Fred hadn't came to visit
I would have got involved
With an unsavoury crowd
One guy in particular
Showed interest in me,
Is now in a secure unit
For attempted sexual assault
And other violent crimes
And went so off rails
I'm not sure I
Will ever see him
In town again
At least not for
Many many years. Thankfully.
But how can I know
That I wouldn't have had the resolve.
My family may have stepped in.
After all my neighbour
Fetched me from
A night club
Not long after
I was discharged
I was firemans lifted home
Like princess Fiona in Shrek.
By Fred none the less
On my neighbours
And parents orders.
I was well warned
I would have to build
Up my tolerance to alcohol. Slowly.
Nothing at all ideally.
I remember speaking to girl
In ward at 18 and she
Wound up driven home
In an ambulance
After a fishbowl, too many
On a night out
Because she hadn't
Yet recovered properly.
She had been in a priory
Before I met her.
Fred knew she was a distant relative
But decided to keep
It from me, on principle.
I asked for him to
Try and elaborate what
On principle really meant .
He replied: on principle,
I have higher principles
Than most people.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

Fred grew distant
From his posse
Because when on holiday
In Bulgaria snowboarding
They were pressuring
Him to sleep
With other women
And he just wanted
A steady girlfriend
One of his pals
Said that I was
Just looking for a "sugardaddy"
But I was too independent
For my own good.
So I was left
With the guilt, thinking
That he chose
A relationship over
His group of pals.
Everyone told him
To run a mile
Including my own parents
And I was sincerely
Prepared to beak up for good
I said we should be friends
For a trial period
Only one of his
Friends, an accountant
Said seeing us together
Had made his night out
A good on and he was glad
We got through things.
I think the rest of his pals
Had a lot of growing up to do.
I guess a serious illness
Brings people closer in some cases.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

I even set Fred up bebo
And I got a little fed up
Of bumping into his pals
On a night out
And them chanting
About his size
Or asking about sex life
That I left a joke
On social media
Then wishing I hadn't
I would stake my life
On it that I was
Drunk. But it was
Really getting out of hand.
And Fred just bottled
It all up and took it elsewhere.
All I achieved was
Making a fool of myself

One of my dad's friends
Spoke to me on a night out
And when I came
Back out the bathroom
Fred had knocked him out cold
He was lying on the floor.
Fred said he thought
He was following me
Into the ladies? In a busy pub?
I told my brother
About him being possessive
And jealous and I was corrected
Just possessive.
Who would ever be jealous
Of someone like me?
Who had been in treatment
At mental health wing?
I get it. I get it.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

I even set Fred up bebo
And I got embarrassed
Hoping the ground
Would swap me up
When bumping into his pals
On a night out
Or in town during day
And them chanting
About his size
"What's that coming over the hill
It's Freds monster..."
It's a song by an indie band.
So I left a joke
On social media
Then wished I hadn't
I would stake my life
On it that I was
Drunk. But it was
Really getting out of hand.
And Fred just bottled
It all up and took it elsewhere.
It was meant
To be banter.
If it was that bad
I am certain
That Fred would have
Made me delete it.
It was taste less and beneath me .
All I achieved was
Making a fool of myself.
I honestly thought
Nobody paid attention
To me anyway
After stint in hospital.
An old friend of mine
Put that I was
A childhood friend
On choice section
I was just an embarrassment now.

One of my dad's friends
Spoke to me on a night out
And when I came
Back out the bathroom
Fred had knocked him out cold
He was lying on the floor.
Fred said he thought
He was following me
Into the ladies? In a busy pub?
I told my brother
About him being possessive
And jealous and I was corrected
Just possessive.
I meant jealousy
When men flirted.
What else did I have. Nothing.
Who would ever be jealous
Of someone like me?
Who had been in treatment
At mental health wing?
I get it. I get it.

We were in a local pub
My grandfather was ill
I had no make up
And his now old pals
Girlfriend and friend
Were made up and pretty
And Fred said something
About his "guts"
So I decided I had to split.
He wouldn't move so
I left on my own.
Fanning twenties.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

I took an overdose
And the doctor
Thankfully didn't admit me
I did spend 8 weeks at home.
I was a responsible adult now.
I had to go back to work.
I signed a new contract
When I was still
Under the weather
And it was for
Half the hours.
And the supervisor
Would say I could have a lie in.
I told my co-worker
That having a lie in
Wouldn't pay my bills.

Then it was the infamous
Work nights out
Freds boss asked me
If I was still part-time
At my work.
So I got a second job
And then went
To an evening class
At college.
I needed that little push.
It took me back
To being at training
And the chief instructor
Calling me a part-timer
And my dead beat father
Who never worked for over a decade
Saying that my job
Was a cop out
As my contract was only 28 hours.
They were so narrow minded

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

It was ok for my
Younger sibling. They
Knew that they
Would leave school
And go straight into
A trade as my
Parents and their friends
All had connections.
But even though
I got the top award
In primary school
Every year, nothing
I did stood out
And I didn't feel
Like an achiever.
All I could see
Was the socially awkward loser.
And with my mother's temper
In my veins
I was often in trouble.
I thought that
Money made the world go round.
I would Tell Fred
When he would say
Ridiculous Hollywood film phrases
That he was just
In love with the idea
Of being in love.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

I said your bit^^ of a boss
Because I think
She told people
About me being
In hospital because
A woman connected
To my mums boss contacted
Me on Facebook
And sent her "commiserations"
To hear about my "illness"
And I was furious
And I came into work
And supervisor said
I looked pale
On the walk there
I must have got
My thoughts in a knot
After trying so hard to conceal it
I could lose my job
If my boss found out!
Or I would be bullied
Out the door.
Why did I feel that
Everytime I got a new job
At the back of my mind
This voice was reminding
Me that I was living
On borrowed time.
It was only a matter
Of time before
Somebody would discover
That I was hospitalised
As a suicidal teenager.
Every single time.

Omg are you actually
Doing work today ?
And toothless tam
Gave a snigger.
I did work, but at rush
Hour I was the least
Experienced and newest
Employee so I didn't
Have the confidence
And I hung back
And waited my turn
To deliver the orders.
I never neglected my
Assigned tables. But
I never got a chance.
The supervisor was so false
And I tried to talk to her
But the others
They thought I looked
Like a goth with
My complexion but I wasn't.
When I had my
Review I was given
Options, the supervisor
Said I did not get on
With the girls.
I could take a months pay
And they would give me a reference
Or I could argue my case to stay.
I went back an hour later.
I said I have thought about it
And I wish to leave.

I walked to Freds work just
Before five and my
Eyes watered when
I told him the situation.
His sister advised me
To try and get
A job in factory
By saying that a couple
Of the girls picked
On me, but I knew they were right.
I did not fit in
One comment is nothing .
Don't sweat it.

When I planned
To leave Fred
I bumped into
My mum's boss
On the way to Starbucks.
And she is just a nice person
That speaks to everyone.
I had changed my opinion
Because my Aunt
Had told more people.
And I said that
My mum and Dad
Had left no space
For me to go back
So I was going to
Declare myself as homeless.
I was dead serious.
But I went back to Fred.
And back to work.
And the boss had
Replaced me like
The girl before
Who hurt her back.
And I was relegated
To part time and
Confined to one machine only
Not starting till the afternoon.
And I started to listen
To my i-pod on my machine.
It was just mine
And I needed that.

Fred dictated most things.
I just wanted an easy life.
My manageress was an ***
One week and went
Around saying she
Was that stressed she would
End up in Bilbohall
And that I should get tested.
It was way below the belt.
Fred took it upon himself
To go and fight my corner
But he failed miserably
And my manageress boasted
About sending him
Home with his tail
Between his legs.
He just couldn't
Understand that people
Need to fight their own battles.
And I did not appreciate
Him being so rash
And nearly making
Things worse instead of better.
I told him not to do it.
I think what had
Really upset me
Was the supervisors chum
A little while before
Who said that Fred
Was I sure that he
Wasn't just using me for one thing?
I wasn't 16 years old.
We were in a relationship.
Speaking about it
At a later date to Fred
I said that my brother
Was kept on over her son
When they both
Worked for same company
And she turned sour
On me right around this time.
Why take it out on me?
That was so childish.
But thanks for helping
Me see that I could
Go back to education
And I COULD get financial aid.
Every cloud has a silver lining.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

My Aunt took me
To get accessed
At the Pluscarden clinic.
This was the first time.
And I was paranoid
To the moon and back.
And I told the Nurse
That I could sense people
Speaking about me.
She was well trained
And said where do you feel this
And I looked all along the ceiling
And around the room
Looking for cameras
And said "everywhere"
I can't remember
What else I told her
Needless to say
I was sectioned
And put on Olanzapine.
And when I sat
With the doctor
A month later
And she handed me
Information on a "psychotic break"
I realised I had
Gone way off the beaten track
But I wasn't prepared
For the crushing depression
When I got home
Everything that goes up
Must come down.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

Fred scrutinised my every move
I bought a phone cover
In a garden centre
And he tried to accuse
Me of being "ill"
I was a little hyper. So what.
Goodbye.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

Drastic measures.
I had to do something.
Because I knew
That you would not
Speak to anyone.
So I turned up
On your parents
Doorstep and I gave
Your mum a book
That they had caught
Me reading at our house,
One time, in person,
To re-in force the effect.
You needed help too.
I am not a psycho.
I am anything but crazy.
I was not like Kirsty to Tyrone
In Coronation Street.
I was scared of you.
Yet I didn't want
You to lose the house
Or end up drinking
Yourself into a black hole.
I wouldn't wish some of
The things I have been through
Upon my worst enemy.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

My work knew
You had me in a nervous wreck
I ran home
At lunchtime because
I was in a hurry
In the morning
And I thought
I might have left
The tap running
And that the basin
Might be overflowing
Onto the floor
And turns out
It was just dripping
But the it wasnt far off spilling over.
You would tell
Everyone that I had
An ulterior motive
And was jealous
Of you because I didn't
Earn enough to be on a joint mortgage.
My parents bought
All the kitchen appliances
So why would
I want to wreck it?

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

We went on a camping trip
We travelled north
And a cafe in town
Did fresh hot pork
Sandwiches with homemade
Apple sauce and it smelled divine.
I said I fancied that
For lunch but you flared your nostrils
And said we are going to subway.
I told my work colleague
That I could get a subway at home
And there was more
Than pork on menu
There were other meats
Even chicken! Fresh meats.
He got subway steak
That is processed to death.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

I was so depressed
I could not bring
Myself to de weed
The garden in case
I thought of living with Fred
And my dad lived
Fifteen miles away
And he was going to do my garden
And my mum snooped
And found my debt letters
And she said I
Could come home for a while.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

I ate mince pies at nine in the morning
Thanks to airplane and windows.

We wound up the chief
On the train.
I had a new labretta top.
Molocking around town
I got a Gregs pasty.
I was still hungry
And ate the rest of
The curry pot noodle.
I bought pizza at night
And you moaned about
The room smelling
So I frizbeed it out the window.
You told coach
And he was fizzing
Because we were training
With the British Team.
And of course this was
Unacceptable at this level.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

Why would I be a bad influence?
I would have been mad
That he thought I was dumb
Enough to be easily led in the first place.
I told you that were NOT
Missing out on anything
Like parties or drinking.
That you would
Make new friends
Because you were
Effortlessly funny and out going.
You were talented
And I said that you
Exactly what they were
Looking for. And look
How far we had come
Especially you, and
You just ate what you
Wanted when you wanted.
I wasn't being critical.
You obviously ate
To match your energy out-put.
But I was saying how much better
You could be if you changed
The finer details like diet
And a bit of endurance running.
I said that eyelashes
Was also miles better than me
And when we sparred.
You were a pair
Of power houses.
Our coach said that
The word on the street
Was that all three of us
Could still have been something
Even if sport didn't work out.
We had our heads
Screwed on right.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

I didn't feel like an asset at work
I was a bit arrogant
I was told to get my hand out my pockets
I did not apply myself.
If I was on the tills
I probably would have been sacked.
I preferred the shop floor.
At lunchtime there was a rush
With workers, school kids.
And I would get nervous
Looking for baked goods
On the tills. As I had
Been on a crash course
But new products
Popped up all the time.
My team mate went
By with her mum
And burst out laughing.
I was bemused and
She pointed to my trousers
And went "drain pipes!"
And a lady who was
On another department
Said that I should
Take the hems down.
When she spotted me afterwards.
It wasn't the caffeine pills.
I ate my food and had
A sugary drink,
And that dispelled the headache.
In time I even plucked
Up courage to get a skirt
Because a lady at the gym
Said she never seen me
In girly clothes.
Another girl I went to school
With shot past me with
Paper and there you were
With sponsorship and backing
Just like I said you needed.
My grandfather was
The one who suggested it.
But I wasn't good enough.
You won at patterns and sparring
At every competition.
When we trained in Glasgow
The coach would say
"I want to fight you!"
And he knew you had
That something special
But I'm not sure if
Taekwondo was an Olympic sport then?
Of course you still had
A shot at being a world champion
And opened your own gym.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

We all need a friend Like Sarah
And I explained
How she wouldn't let her
Best pal walk home alone
From her boyfriends
And that I couldn't get
A look in with them
Three is a crowd.
Then my nursery pal
Re entered the scene.
When I first started
Working at the seaside town
I got an interrogation
It wasn't just a
Getting to know you chitchat
I felt quite put upon
What's your friends surnames?
Where do they stay?
Are they related to...?
Oh my days

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

Originally Posted by Unbrokensoulgeron

It was ok for my
Younger sibling. They
Knew that they
Would leave school
And go straight into
A trade as my
Parents and their friends
All had connections.
But even though
I got the top award
In primary school
Every year, nothing
I did stood out
And I didn't feel
Like an achiever.
All I could see
Was the socially awkward loser.
And with my mother's temper
In my veins
I was often in trouble.
I thought that
Money made the world go round.
I would Tell Fred
When he would say
Ridiculous Hollywood film phrases
That he was just
In love with the idea
Of being in love.

Fred basically barred
Me from talking about
Things that he didn't have
The knowledge or will
To put his feeling to one side
And listen to me.
Has your mum
Got a limited life span and terminal condition??
And won't get to meet
Some of her grandchildren? No
So my feelings were invalid.
Being in hospitable
Had changed my whole life.
The way I looked at everything
What I could and couldn't do.
Now I appreciated the little things.

Fred would speak Ill
Of my old coach
Who decided to drop off
My Second Dan certificate
Straight to my house.
Fred went off on one
Saying he should keep
His hawk beak out of my life now
As when Fred attended classes
With his friends they all
Saw how he picked on me
And singled me out
He was probably hoping
To just get my mum
And get the lowdown on hospital
And see if I had been diagnosed
But the doctors don't always
Diagnose you the first time
In case it is stress induced
Or for example post partum
Which women get over.