[kimmydawn]

Recognizing, establishing then maintaining boundaries with my birth family has been one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life. However, it's been one of the most rewarding...for myself as well as for those involved.

Growing up with such abuse and illness in my household was TOUGH. It helped to create a person whose only trusted outlet was dissociation...an escape...as a child what was a necessity became a self-created, but uncontrollable and not recognized "drug of choice" afterward.

In therapy, and when dealing with some of the many issues surrounding my "awful" family, I began to slowly recognize that there were no, none, appropriate boundaries anywhere. There were literally very few lines that were not crossed. In fact, the only one that I can think of off the top of my head would be that "you don't talk ugly to mother". She did as she pleased regarding emotional boundaries, and with everyone and everything else there was a mixture of manipulation and selfish gain.

My mother, father and both brothers live(d) with disorders that allow for little care for anyone other than themselves. Me, I wasn't like them. I was "trained young" to be the giver, the worker, the rescuer, the abused. I didn't play their games well, so became the odd man out and the focus of the abuse allowed very few personal boundaries (I was also the only female child).

Anyhow, I grew up longing to disappear, but never succeeded...at least physically. Dissociation became a tool that became well used that began to wreak havoc in my adult life. I sought therapy.

In therapy was where I recognized that everything, but everything, was wrong within that family. I never knew that. I was spending sooooo much time just trying to make it, survive, that all energies were placed on hypervigilence and reaction. There were no thought processes to wonder what should or could be because all thought was spent on survival, then on reaction.

As an adult in therapy, little to no progress was made due to that fact. Any communication consisted of "the old" and my hurt, anger, fear, disgust, etc. Again, just reaction and thoughts were only about the reaction, and of course the many "why's". I wasn't an adult. Sure, physically I was of age, but mentally I was still that child when it came to my birth family...that hurt, scared, neglected, angry child. I was an adult in the present, but living as the emotional child of the past in regards to my birth family. MY PTSD was great.

I had to literally learn to think like an adult with them. I had to go against everything inside of me to absorb the fact that I had my own thoughts, my own desires, my own needs, even my own demands that were separate and apart from those that didn't have alot of conscience or ability to see beyond their own noses. Whew, that was hard. I remember the shock in my therapist's face when he would state a simple statement regarding self-care or expectation that, honest to goodness, had never been within my realm of thinking.

We had to start from scratch. I learned that my life wasn't "normal". I learned that the things done to me as a child, but also as an adult were wrong. I literally had to learn those things before I could even recognize what boundaries should be. In fact, I couldn't. The only way I could consider what boundaries I might put in place for myself was to think about what I would tell a friend in my place...what was not OK for the worthy. It took me a while to realize I was worthy and what I applied for others applied for me as well.

After ALOT of therapy with that...lol...I moved forward to thinking about placing those boundaries in my life. I would play around with it a bit but get bitten so badly, I'd retreat...fast. Finally, after really HUGE boundaries being crossed (I'm talking mean and ugly), I had to stop contact. I realized that I couldn't even figure out what boundaries I needed to put in place while having constant contact because it was too hurtful. I had to put a "stopper" in there. I did just that.

During the no contact, I figured out with my therapist what the most important boundaries were for me. I had to recognize what I even needed and wanted because I didn't know. I didn't know what it was like to think about myself and not others first when it came to my birth family.

I took the time off to recognize the boundaries that I needed for me to function better, and with less time spent reacting and in pain. Then spent the rest of the time preparing for those lines to be pushed, and pushed hard. They were. They still are at times. It was one "chess game" that I needed to play and prepare for well. I needed to predict every possible move so that I could stay in the game.

Somehow, I was able to do that...sometimes I failed in the moment, but had to pick up where I left off. Since that time my life, and my life with my birth family has changed so much. I'm not the same person I was in alot of good ways.

I spent so much time feeling hurt and anger from mother, suspicion was high, etc. Since establishing and maintaining the boundaries I've been able to actually enjoy her at times. This might sound very strange, but she even looks physically different to me...realistically so. I'm not nearly so on edge and angry as I was before. I don't feel the constant pressure of conversation, preparation to be "blown out of the water at any moment", etc. It's helped me so much.

It's helped our relationship. She doesn't call nearly so often or expect me to be on the phone with her for hours. I used to feel so guilty because I worried that I was on my way to "hating" my mother, but now I can see things about her that I admire and understand that I couldn't see before due to the reaction and pain. I can see the little things she does that shows she cares now...the very few ways she is capable fo showing it. Since having boundaries, I can see the good with the bad and there's not nearly so much hurt and pain. I actually am amazed when I stand back and look at it. I did alot of work to obtain those things on my own and in therapy. Creating and maintaining boundaries didn't make it all better. However, those boundaries HAD to be in place before healing could truly begin for me so that I could really live in my present.

It's the same with my little brother in ways, different in others. I realized that my over-functioning for him was hurting, not helping, him. The same result...less hurt and anger with more understanding and enjoying what I can.

My father has passed. We'd not seen each other for 14 years, but had the last year of his life.

My older brother? There's only one boundary. NO CONTACT.

Having boundaries has helped me have a much more present and present day experience with my birth family. I feel I was stuck in a severe PTSD/flashback episode by not having the boundaries for myself. My PTSD, dissociation, everything is so much better since I've been able to do some of this. I'm not reliving the past with every encounter anymore. I feel more secure, self-assured, present, aware, safe.

Yep, the payoffs have been great so far. I could write a book about this journey, but I think this is way too long already...my longest post yet maybe?

Thanks for the patience while reading it.

KD

Great Post KD! I identify so much. I found it a bit scary at first seeing my adoptive mother showing me respect now, and also being able to be with her and be able to maintain my sense of "who I am" at the same time now. AAAAwww isn't recovery great :-)

[(JD)]

How far you've come! I hope others who are not as far along the path as you will be able to realize some of what is necessary to progress.

Children who were abused often have the same basis for their reactions in adult life. Normally, there are boundaries set that are good for all in a family. Each person has their own personal space and amount of respect that no one "should" trod upon...and if they do, it's a mistake that is apologized for and forgiven.

When a child grows up in an abusive home, there are no personal boundaries. Others might have them, but the one being abused is stripped of all sense of ownership. The rules also seem everchanging, thus they never know when it's safe to speak, act, want etc. There are no boundaries for them to stay behind or for others to have to cross.

Setting boundaries in life is a good thing to do, imo. Sometimes not knowing how or what is allowed or even if they are capable of realizing and holding to any boundary keeps the emotional life in a state of upheaval. I think seeing a therapist (T) to help find what is the "norm", what is acceptable to expect from others and yourself can help.

When someone finds themself reeling from what another has supposedly done to them, and not knowing why "these things happen to them all the time" then a lack of suitable boundaries might be the culprit, don't you think? (I say supposedly because not all such events are really breaches of a boundary.)

For anyone beginning, I again suggest to start small, with little things that might not mean anything to another person (and thus they won't notice anyway.) If you live with others, then it could be to lock the door to your bedroom from time to time, even, say, when no one else is home. It could be NOT eating something someone else wants you to taste, or not watching a movie you don't wish to see. Those are boundaries you set for yourself. Ongoing boundaries, like some you mentioned KD, are quite acceptable, and we all have them (or should, and feel comfortable with them.)

I have some that others find silly, some are just plain good. I won't drink and drive. Not even if it's a glass of wine with a meal. (Unless it's a very long time and a very big meal before I would have to drive a very short distance.) I insist that anyone riding in my car wear their seatbelt. I don't allow strangers into my home. I won't be roped into doing something silly for a game that I really don't want to do. I pay for and get my mail at the post office rather than my home.

Perhaps ppl who feel like they have no boundaries can realize that they might after all, and then feel good that, "Hey! I can set boundaries and feel safe and better about myself."

TC (hope I didn't hijack your thread)

[drclay]

KD:

That was a great post about your terrible struggle over boundaries, especially with your mother. And you are working it out and feeling better!!! Wonderful. I strongly believe that your descriptions of changing your ideas about being dependent, discounted, controlled, self-doubting, angry, degraded, hurt, feeling un-deserving and scared can be very beneficial to other people struggling with the same problems.

There are so many ways to become dominated and powerless in the hands of others. The first glimpse of hope is seeing someone else overcome a similar problem.

You said "I could write a book!" Yes, you could. What a good idea. Also, consider asking your therapist if he/she would encourage you to write a book. And think about asking him or her if they would co-author your book with you. I'll bet he/she would or, at least, be glad you invited them to join you.

I had lots of questions about your history, the details of the family situation (such as why you didn't move out?), your social support outside of the birth family, etc., etc. All of which could be dealt with in a book.

It may be of help to you to read my section about gaining self-understanding by writing an autobiography based on an intensive journal as described in the middle of Chapter 15. I recognize (and you should too) that some people may be unhappy if you try to write such a book. But you have had some experience already with getting out of controlling situations. Talk about the pros and cons with other people who have gotten to know you on these forums.

drclay

[kimmydawn]

Thanks, y'all.

You know, from my position now then looking back, what a trip. There's so much I think when looking back...including shock and embarassment. It's a struggle, like an addiction, that I will work at maintaining for the rest of my life. I have no doubt.

Dr. Clay, I appreciate your remarks, and actually two books have been discussed by my ex-therapist and I. I, personally, am clueless. I have so much to say, and feel I have the words to say it now, but am unsure as to how to put it together. That's where I am today.

I appreciate y'all so much.

KD

[radio_flyer]

Wow.. What a good post! You indeed have come a long way. And it looks like you had a great T to help you understand yourself. Actually made me smile. Wow

I also was raised in a family without boundaries. Didn't even hear the word until I was in my 40's. Seems I'd always get "hit" if I didn't follow the flow or always be in agreement of others. I guess "growth" is a process..

[kimmydawn]

Thank you.

Growth is a process...in my experience as series of processes. I look back and see what didn't work with me and why in therapy...we were putting the cart before the horse. However, I was constantly being triggered and didn't even know that danged cart needed a horse!

In looking back, I see how key it was to recognize first the clear lack of boundaries and acceptance, then attempt to figure out what I needed to heal. Another huge thing was that I kept getting stuck on "why".

Why???? No good answer. OUCH!!!! Retreat.

Along with recognizing and putting boundaries in place for self-care, I had to "accept" and sit with what simply was/is. There were no good answers for the why's; it was just a way to avoid moving forward for me. Mindfulness was huge there...just being and accepting everything/one around me as being as well. Oh, the many misperceptions and confusions I had along with no introspecition, self-awareness or self-acknowledgment. Whew.

The scary part? If I'm not careful, I feel that creeping up on me again because it feels so against natural for me. I was trained well with specific presets for reaction and action. It's hard to go against. That said, it's POSSIBLE.

KD

[(JD)]

Yes, it is possible, and I believe you will accomplish this task fully eventually!

It's good for those who need to hear it, that trying to work through the "Why?" gets us nowhere, on anything usually... any of us. We cannot change any of our past.

What we do have is the present. And today, that sounds like a good one for you

[Peanut61]

Thank you for writing this thread, KD, and for those who have replied. I can relate in a BIG way, and I found this ever so helpful!! Again, thank you and well done!

Most sincerely,

Peanut

[Perna]

Yes, I got the "Why?" from my stepmother all the time and couldn't answer in a way that was "understandable" so retreated. As an adult in therapy it was/is one of my biggest problems, I'm suspicious of other people's statements as I see them all as "questions" and question=trap to me. I spend a lot of time maneuvering and feeling like I'm playing dodgeball :-) usually unnecessarily now. One of the biggest help for me in recognizing and establishing boundaries is finding my own words to be able to understand and explain to myself "why" so I don't see other people as threats, trying to corner me.

what an amazing journey kimmy..........and what an amazing survivor you are

[froggie2]

Thanks for sharing Kimmy. You told it so well and it helps me understand stuff I am just putting together. waiting for those books.

[Wants2Fly]

Great post, KD. It seems as if you are celebrating anniversaries in more dimensions than your marriage. There is so much hope, wisdom, and examples for us to emulate. Thank you.