I never get good.

Sort of, mostly. The name refers to me being just a copy of a standard archetype, the "misunderstood young adult". I don't feel unique or special because I've met dozens of people just like me, or rather with the same internal categorization as me. They all are seemingly smart people who test well but do poorly in academics, brilliant but lazy, funny but sad, introverted but craving external approval, blah blah blah... after a while I stopped feeling like the positives applied to me. I'm not funny despite making people laugh. I'm not brilliant, hell I'm not even smart, I just know what my intellectual limits are and I generally (though as showcased above not always) don't speak of things I know nothing about and I am willing to admit I am ignorant to much of the world, which makes people think I'm clever despite simply making me a grounded moron. People say I'm special all the time but I don't feel I've earned it, I don't feel like I'm special, I've accomplished nothing to warrant it.

There was some philosopher who said something like, I'm only smarter than others because at least I know I'm not smart. It may have been Socrates. I guess everyone is a cliche. Don't you think? Can you bear that? Is it OK to be as ordinary as everyone else? I remember once thinking, is this it? Is this all there is to my life? This is going to be a pretty boring life. I think that's the stage you go through right before you start the journey to find your stride, to find your grove. Anyhow, I like your thoughts. What did you think about my body dismorphia reply to the "I might be simple" thread?

Anyhow, I'll stop trying to argue that you're probably cool and special. (Even though you're pretty good at arguing that you're not, which is special in itself.) But I was wondering, what do you want to be like? Have you ever met or read about someone who had the characteristics you would like to have?

Have you ever done anything you felt a little bit of pride about? Is there any small thing that you could accomplish that you would consider a success? And for goodness sake, what's your major? How did you choose it? I hope it's something that will allow you to use your skills and gifts. (I know, I know, you don't have any skills and gifts.)

If I was doing therapy and you were my client, I suspect that I would look forward to our discussions. (Yes, I know, they would be terribly cliche, but I would enjoy them anyhow.)

In my perspective you haven't argued a word. You've been nothing but cordial and supportive and I'm sorry if I made you feel unwanted or if I came across as ungrateful.
As for body dysmorphia I feel I know how dumb I am, I have proof. With body dysmorphia I'm not sure how a person can disprove "you weigh 100 pounds and are alarmingly below average in BMI" (I'm not attempting to belittle a serious medical condition, I'm just not certain how one would go about disproving it) but I have evidence that I'm a loser.
Anyway yes I've done things I've taken pride in but I am almost immediately brought to bear with my hubris in thinking myself superior. Any time I take the slightest bit of pride the universe seems to take awareness of this and I am nearly immediately shown why I'm not allowed to think that anything I ever did might have been sort of passable and either I **** up in spectacular fashion that negates anything special I did or someone does the exact same thing except with half the effort and double the quality, dwarfing my efforts. I do take pride in things, I just don't like to as I am a magnet for divine retribution and self humiliation.

So I am playing the piano, have a degree and professional certification, have been to 3 continents and some very strange travels. I speak a few languages other than English. I am a published author.

But for the last few months, I have been struggling with a relapse of depression aND anxiety. I can't do anything right, my brain tells me that I suck all the time.....I am unable to work and function like I can. Next week I start an intensive outpatient program to help me past this.

I am not trying to brag, but to demonstrate that depression can be so profound that we lose sight of ourselves. You've heard others talk about your writing. I can say that a first recital is nervewracking....most beginners will speed up their speech or peice. 1:50 for a 2:30 piece does not seem unusual for those circumstances. All writers worry about being trite and cliche and think their work is poor. That's why the common guideline is to write or edit, not both.

Not to say that your experience is wrong but that your perception may not be reality-based at the moment....when we start to have depression or other MR issues, our brains lie to us and tell us that things are horrible and that we are worthless. It has no basis in Reality.

I think your brain is lying to you. I think you are in bad shape, because you sound like me right now and I am in bad shape. I think you you need to be seen. Please print this out and show it to a psychologist or psychiatrist.

No need to apologize. I rarely get to discuss things with someone like you. If you ever get tired of this thread or if you find my replies annoying or disturbing let me know (or I guess just stop replying). I just find your posts interesting and challenging.

By the way, how are you doing? Are you done with finals?

Your scores on the standardized tests and your writing samples are the proof that you're smart. One is objective and granted, the other is subjective; they're comparable to BMI and an observer seeing that an active ED sufferer is obviously underweight. "But the BMI number doesn't mean anything," the sufferer objects. He or she then points to and presses on a soft area on their body and says, "See here is my proof that I'm fat."

Have you ever taken pride in something you've done without also feeling superior? Is feeling superior a necessary condition? Is that what is bothering you? That you're having a hard time being able to feel superior and unique? Like I said, that's actually something that I've struggled with myself.

Besides just enjoying the challenge, the reason I'm replying is to try to show you that there might just be something wrong (in an undesireable or unhelpful sense, not necessarily incorrect) with your thinking. Your conclusions about yourself and your life seem rational and indisputable to you, but there are several philosophical lines of reasoning that come to different and sometimes contrary, conclusions. It is possible to take your reality and come to a different conclusion about your worth and potential in life.

Take care of yourself, I hesitate to continue this with you. I feel that you should really have this discussion with your therapist or a counselor. Hopefully one that's dealt with their own issues of superiority and self doubt. So if this bothers you in anyway we should stop. If you want to continue, just let me know. You can private message if you like.

I hope you enjoy the Holidays.

So... if I'm like you... you could say I'm... another cliché?
Kidding, of course. Anyway I'm sorry to hear you're suffering from depression, and I thank you for your support. What have you been doing to combat your depression? I said earlier that I don't feel depressed (I don't lack interest in things I lack motivation due to being bad at things) but what makes you feel less morose?

Hey Another Cliche! Maybe you're not cliche in how you experience depression?!

I'm sorry, I know depression isn't funny. I happen to have been feeling pretty good for the past few months, but I remember when it was difficult to do anything and it was hard to see the point to life (and that's with a loving son and husband). Anyhow, Big Black Dog, I'm sorry you're feeling bad. I'm glad your experience might give Cliche some more information.

How the heck do you get "e"s with accents in your messages?

Good luck with your intensive out patient and thanks for your good sharing.

I've read a few of your posts, you have many of the symptoms of low self-esteem...perfectionism, beating yourself up, self-loathing. This is all normal, I know, I've been there. Not exactly where you are, everybodies experience of low self-esteem is unique to them but I can empathize with the way you feel.

Therapy can help although I never took any. What exactly are you doing to drag yourself out of the rut? If you're like I was there is always some external force that bring back down to earth with a horrible bang everytime you feel something good is happening.

Nothing changed for me until I finally understood that only I can infulence my fate and it was my responsibility to get myself out of the rut I was in because nobody or nothing else would. If you can find a way to get your head around that you'll be well on your way to being who you want to be and finally ridding yourself of most of these feelings that are currently plaguing you.

Well, most of my failings are because I'm bad at things. There are some that are due to external forces, truly there are, but most of the time I fail because I don't have what it takes to succeed at a given task. When I try to get out of the rut I generally fall back in not because the mud was too slick to grip, so to speak, but because I was too weak to drag myself out. I'm trying to get myself out, at least I think I am, I'm just a bad climber with low motivation.