Something I have struggled with all my life is being able to get angry. It scares the bejeesus out of me, probably because of my childhood being full of anger and physical violence.

How does one go about learning to get angry in a healthy way? What is healthy anger? I feel like I have no idea about the boundaries one should follow when getting angry. I mean, I know that I will never hurt or hit someone ect..is any of this making sense?

I am scared to allow myself anger because to me anger equates with violence in my mind, and although I know that to not be true as well... it is there in my subconcious.

Wondering if there are any folks out there who have been through this and have any ideas?

They say to be assertive instead of being angry. That's what I think you're supposed to do.
I'm still working on it, Rainbowzz.

[Perna]

Anger is a feeling, not an action. Recognizing the feeling and realizing it, alone, can't hurt you or others is a big step. It's like feeling sad/depressed and being afraid we're going to take to our bed and never get out only with anger we fear someone else (who is angry) is going to hurt us or we are going to hurt them, etc.

Basically anger is a "message". Someone/something has taken something you "love" from you or you feel they have or may do so. "How dare they!. . .", "Who does she think she is?. . ." those are all angry thoughts. The worse the "transgression," often the worse the thought. When my T told me she was going away for 6 weeks, many weeks before she went, I was "fine" in the session but when I left I saw her car and instantly thought of flattening all her tires :-) It was a knee-jerk, unconscious/spontaneous thought because I hadn't dealt with her initial "I'm leaving" and what it meant to me. That's why it is important to stay in the moment, identify, and deal with how you feel right then.

Often we are frightened of other people's expressions of anger. I found for me that "staying" and "letting" them express their anger (in words) and living through it :-) helped me. I had a boss who told me it was my turn to perform a task I had just performed; it wasn't my turn. He started yelling. I stayed and "calmly" kept explaining and telling him the "facts" until he could hear them and check them out. Eventually he calmed down enough to do that and was very apologetic, realizing he was wrong and I was right. As a child I didn't have enough words to explain things to my stepmother (even if she had been able to hear) and she often expressed her anger with no "references" (took things out on me that had nothing to do with me). That's the problem with expressing anger and how things go wrong; if we are angry about one thing but feel helpless so take the anger out somewhere else. Remember, anger means someone has taken something you love or is threatening you in that way.

When I get road rage, I know there's something wrong somewhere else in my life because I don't normally drive like a maniac :-) If I cut someone off or am cussing, etc. as soon as I become aware of it, I stop and look at the larger picture in my life and ask myself, "Where do you feel helpless? What hurts? What are you anxious about?" Usually I can find the "problem" and the anger clears up.

But even being angry about things that happen as they happen. . . Anger is a "message"/feeling, not an action. You have to take the anger and think of a plan on how to act on it to solve whatever the problem is. I had a vice president humiliate me in public at work. I go away (nearly crying) and realize I'm angry that he did that. I think about the situation and all he said about me was "true" BUT I wasn't deliberately causing a problem, I had communication issues (and he was making fun of me, of how I expressed myself) I had actually been trying to help him! I realized he had done this before, our interactions were like this often so I vowed to try to stay out of his way, not "volunteer" to help him (I like helping, am a helpful sort of person :-) and to tell him the next time he humiliated me/said anything demeaning to me that I would speak up and tell him he could not speak to me that way (boundary crossing!), that I know I have a communication problem but I am working on it and doing my best (all anyone can ever ask of you) and do not deserve to be spoken to in that way AND, put him on notice; tell him if he spoke to me in that manner again, I would quit. Thinking up such a plan for "what to do" really made me feel empowered and glad I had recognized my anger at his humiliating me and worked it out and what to do with it!

So, figure out what is really making you angry/that it is not misplaced, out of context or more extreme than the situation warrants (which is another clue the anger might be misplaced). I went to the grocery store and they packed my 5 items in 6 bags :-) and I left one behind (the cat food) so when I got home I called the store manager and yelled at him. A can of cat food is not worth that but it was his suggestion that I merely come get it which didn't mollify me that was my clue I was out of bounds -- what was he supposed to do at this point? I didn't give him any way/help in "resolving" the problem.) I thought about it and sure enough a problem in therapy came up that was the "real" problem I was "reacting" to. That's another "clue" I like: the two words "react" and "respond" are very different. I want to learn to "respond" to people/situations, not merely "react". Stay as close to the moment as you can! "That's fine" is usually a cop-out and now how one feels when one's therapist says, "I'm leaving for a vacation for six weeks" :-) Look for similar situations with friends, coworkers/bosses, and others in one's life. It might be okay to say you are fine to some not-very-close friends but don't do it to yourself! Tell yourself the truth, no matter how painful or scary.

[drclay]

Pickle, Rainbowzz, Perna and others:

This looks like a very fruitful discussion. Maybe I can add something to it. There are three related skills mentioned in my Chapter 13:

Assertiveness Response (http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org...chap13_17.html),

"I Messages"
(http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org...chap13_26.html),

Expressing Anger Constructively
(http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org...chap13_33.html)

I know there is a lot here and you may need practice before using the skills comfortably. But give them a trial.

drclay

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Rainbowzz -- I discovered, working with a T, that a big part of the reason why I'd get angry is that I didn't recognize early warning signals when someone was violating my boundaries or comfort zone. I had to learn to tune into my body to recognize early symptoms of discomfort. I was so detached, that I am still getting used to doing this.

If I can identify that I am getting angry before I blow, it gives me a better change to behave assertively instead of angrily. Unfortunately, once in a while something pushes my buttons.

Just wanted to let everyone know Im still reading over the info drclay posted and processing all of your posts, and will come back with a reply as soon as possible!

[dragonphoto]

I started CBT this week and the first thing they talk about is Healthy and Unhealthy emotions. Anger they list as an unhealthy emotion. The couterpart to this is annoyance. You can still express the way you feel but you don't have to rigid about expressing yourself in an angry state. I am dealing with anger issues as well as some others and reading that chapter really opened my eyes. I can get my point across without having to raise my voice or slam a door or two. All I need to do is realize what my trigger was and what belief it broke and understand which negative thought process was at work. I know it sounds hard to do in your head but it really works. Once you realize what is causing the anger then you can work on changing an aspect of that situation. I have done that with my driving already, I drive in the slow lane and do the speed limit (I turn up the radio so I don't hear the blaring horns behind me) doing this has really gotten rid of my road rage. I still get ANNOYED when someone does something stupid, but I don't let it ruin my drive with anger. I don't scream and cuss as much as I used to either. Hopefully this will help you. If you need to PM me for help.