[damajdancer]

I am having a problem with a friend and I was hoping I could get some advice on how to handle this situation.
I haven't cut in about 3 yrs but I have a friend who has been cutting recently. I know all about it. She thinks it's ok to cut. I even asked her if she realizes that she could easily slip up one time and die. And all she said is that would be ok. Her family won't get her any help and she won't get herself any help. If I talk to her about getting help she freaks out and says she doesn't need it. Yet if she brings up the subject of getting help on her own she doesn't freak out. I have been giving her advice about all this for about two weeks. I finally told her that if she doesn't want to take my advice that ok. She just needs to do whatever she needs to do to stop cutting. It seems like everytime this subject gets brought up our friendship pulls farther apart. I dont know how else to help her. Does anyone have any suggestions at all???

[Abrums]

damajdancer,

Honestly you would know best. Since you have done so before and stopped (grats) you should think back at how you where and what helped you.

Although every situation isn't the same. It sounds like she is cutting because of a different reason than you where cutting. From what you say and how she acts it sounds like she was sexually abused as a child (I could be wrong). Whatever the situation is it sounds like she is dealing with it differently than you delt with it.

My best advice would be to get her family and friends involved in an intervention. Watch this from me. It will give you a feel for an intervention.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/76007/inte...rie#s-p4-so-i0

ABE

[damajdancer]

Thank you for replying. She was sexually abused two yrs ago by her father. I was sexually abused four years ago by my best friend and that is what triggered my depression and self injury. So we come from a somewhat similar past. I have tried to pass on everything I did when I was recovering. But all she thinks is that its ok to do this even though deep down she knows its wrong and she needs to stop. Her family will never be stable enough for an intervention. Her older sister tried to kill herself years ago and she just got grounded. Absolutely no family support. We could try to get some friends together to talk to her about it. But she isn't the type that like confrontations and I don't want to make things worse. But I think I am going to try the friend intervention. Thank you so much for the advice.

[deliquesce]

my own advice would be to stop pushing the issue. a friend intervention will probably make her even more upset, given that she doesn't like it when you bring it up by yourself.

i remember when i was in high school, and i knew i had to stop, but the thought of stopping was so scary because i didnt know how else to cope. so maybe that is a way you could approach it, if you must - by brainstorming other things she can do instead?

but i think, given that this is tearing you apart atm, maybe you should tread gently and follow her lead when she brings it up. encourage her to seek help when she brings up the idea on her own, but just be her friend otherwise - do the things you would usually do together etc.

is she still living with her father? or anyone else who is a threat to her?

[Abrums]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

i remember when i was in high school, and i knew i had to stop, but the thought of stopping was so scary because i didnt know how else to cope. so maybe that is a way you could approach it, if you must - by brainstorming other things she can do instead?

She said that she has done that. There cases are somewhat the same but I think that getting raped by your father is a bit more devastating because you have to live with your rapist. But it sounds like Damajdancerhas done everything in her power so far to help her friend.

And now knowing this about your friend's family it is going to be very difficult. If you have an intervention it must be with people that love her and care about her. I think it's best if you disclude her family. It would be good if you had everyone wright something to say to her at the intervention. You have to show her how much you care about her and want her to be happy again.


ABE

[damajdancer]

I don't want to just stop pushing the issue. I cant just sit back and let my friend hurt herself. She is still living with her father. Her home and family life is just awful. I would never let her family know what she is doing. That would cause her so much trouble. That's why I feel like a lot of the pressure is on me. I'm the only one she openly talks to. Every idea of other coping skills I suggest she always has an excuse for why it wouldn't work. I'm just so confused with all this. But thank you for your advice.

[Abrums]

Originally Posted by damajdancer

I don't want to just stop pushing the issue. I cant just sit back and let my friend hurt herself. She is still living with her father. Her home and family life is just awful. I would never let her family know what she is doing. That would cause her so much trouble. That's why I feel like a lot of the pressure is on me. I'm the only one she openly talks to. Every idea of other coping skills I suggest she always has an excuse for why it wouldn't work. I'm just so confused with all this. But thank you for your advice.

Wow,

The situation she is in is bad. Would you happen to know if she is still being abused by her father? If so she needs out ASAP. Just put yourself in her shoos for a moment. Imagine that you lived with your rapist. You see him on a daily basis and probably don't feel safe at home. You don't know when you will be used again. It's a very bad situation.

She will more than likely keep cutting until she is in a better environment. I don't think that an intervention will help if she is stuck in a bad environment. She needs out. Once she is out she can begin to heal.

I really don't want to say this because it was done to me and I lost my trust for a friend. I feel that you should contact the authorities to try and get your friend out of the situation. If you decide to do this you have to be very careful about how you do it. Gather up information first and ease into it. If you do this she will probably not trust you anymore until she gets better enough to understand that you where trying to help her.

I don't know... I don't recommend doing that but at the same time I do. It's something you have to think about. But she does need out. She will not stop cutting until she is out. Once she is out of that place she can begin to heal. And it will be a long process for her.

Maybe there is another way for her to get out. I just cant think of much other than running away from her home. One of my friends actually did that. But she was a very strong person. She ran away from home at the age of 14 and lived with friends, boyfriends and in shelters. She grew up supper fast and knew how to take care of herself at an early age. She is one of my best friends and I was also in a relationship with her some time ago.

It's a real messed up situation. I'm sorry your friend is in it. I hope things get better.

ABE

[damajdancer]

I know for a fact she isnt being abused by her father anymore. But like you said, just living with him day to day has got to be enough abuse. I do agree I dont think she will stop cutting untill she's out. Her sisters wont take her in because when her father did that to her she got the police involved and it pissed off her dad. So all the kids had to hear about how snitching is bad and when dad says dont talk about it, you dont talk about it. She has no other family. I offered to take her in but she wont. I think getting the authorities involved wouldn't do much because if her father got in absolutly no trouble for what he did to her two yrs ago then I'm pretty sure he can wiggle his way out of it again. I dont know what to do yet. But something has to be done to help her. Thnx for the advice.

[deliquesce]

maybe i shouldn't reply to this thread, because this issue is way too close to home for me. maybe you need people who don't identify with your friend to respond instead. but for what it's worth, i understand where your friend is coming from. i eventually stopped being friends with the people who wouldn't let my self harm drop.

i was sexually abused by my father when i was young. i started self harming at 14. the sexual stuff had stopped by then, but there was still physical abuse that would go on occasionally. cutting was all that i had to cope, and if i didnt have that, i dont know what else i would have had. the only reason i got through high school was because i was able to self harm.

at the same time, i knew it was bad for me. i knew i wanted to stop. i even knew i needed help in being able to stop. but it was too scary to do. talking about it was good for me, if i brought it up myself. it felt like i could imagine different scenarios and maybe anticipate how i could control them better. but if my friends brought it up (i had 2 friends who knew, one whom i subsequently stopped talking to when she wouldnt drop the issue) it became too much to handle. it felt like i had to get help because it was stressing them out. i could only do so much, and i needed to look after me.

when your father has hurt you in that way, you don't trust that other adults are going to look out for you or have your best interests in mind. already your friend has had the authorities involved - and look where that got her. nowhere. or even worse, because now her sisters wont even take her in.

i'm 25 now. i stopped cutting regularly when i was about 19, and that was because it was my decision to do so. i still live with my dad, but i've learnt other ways to cope with the stress. i wouldn't recommend that your friend live with her father any longer than she has to, but please try to understand that you forcing the issue is one thing less she can then rely on. i would even go so far as to say that you must respect her and her wishes, just because no one else has. if she needs to self injur right now to get through, then that is a shame, but it's what she needs to do. of course - i am talking about "safe" self injury. if she is at the point where she needs stitches, then a word or two in the nurse's ear will do the trick in getting her to get help. but if it is something she can control right now, can patch up and heal herself, then just continue to be there to support her. she will find her own strength in her own time, and it would be helpful for her if you were still around to support her in making the transition from being a cutter to seeking help on how to stop.

if you really are the only person whom she talks to about this, then you don't really have any right to stage a friend intervention. how on earth would your friend be able to trust you after that? and what if one of her other friends goes and tells someone? how would you be able to control that her parents don't find out?

the answer is that you wouldn't, and you would be putting your friend in danger. please respect her right to privacy, and her right to heal herself.

[Abrums]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

maybe i shouldn't reply to this thread, because this issue is way too close to home for me. maybe you need people who don't identify with your friend to respond instead. but for what it's worth, i understand where your friend is coming from. i eventually stopped being friends with the people who wouldn't let my self harm drop.

i was sexually abused by my father when i was young. i started self harming at 14. the sexual stuff had stopped by then, but there was still physical abuse that would go on occasionally. cutting was all that i had to cope, and if i didnt have that, i dont know what else i would have had. the only reason i got through high school was because i was able to self harm.

at the same time, i knew it was bad for me. i knew i wanted to stop. i even knew i needed help in being able to stop. but it was too scary to do. talking about it was good for me, if i brought it up myself. it felt like i could imagine different scenarios and maybe anticipate how i could control them better. but if my friends brought it up (i had 2 friends who knew, one whom i subsequently stopped talking to when she wouldnt drop the issue) it became too much to handle. it felt like i had to get help because it was stressing them out. i could only do so much, and i needed to look after me.

when your father has hurt you in that way, you don't trust that other adults are going to look out for you or have your best interests in mind. already your friend has had the authorities involved - and look where that got her. nowhere. or even worse, because now her sisters wont even take her in.

i'm 25 now. i stopped cutting regularly when i was about 19, and that was because it was my decision to do so. i still live with my dad, but i've learnt other ways to cope with the stress. i wouldn't recommend that your friend live with her father any longer than she has to, but please try to understand that you forcing the issue is one thing less she can then rely on. i would even go so far as to say that you must respect her and her wishes, just because no one else has. if she needs to self injur right now to get through, then that is a shame, but it's what she needs to do. of course - i am talking about "safe" self injury. if she is at the point where she needs stitches, then a word or two in the nurse's ear will do the trick in getting her to get help. but if it is something she can control right now, can patch up and heal herself, then just continue to be there to support her. she will find her own strength in her own time, and it would be helpful for her if you were still around to support her in making the transition from being a cutter to seeking help on how to stop.

if you really are the only person whom she talks to about this, then you don't really have any right to stage a friend intervention. how on earth would your friend be able to trust you after that? and what if one of her other friends goes and tells someone? how would you be able to control that her parents don't find out?

the answer is that you wouldn't, and you would be putting your friend in danger. please respect her right to privacy, and her right to heal herself.

I totally agree with this. I'm sorry but your friend needs a release. And its sad to say but SI is the best thing for her at the moment.

All you can do is be there for her when she needs you and make sure she does not go to far.

ABE

[possum220]

Regardless of a persons reasons for SI....... until they want help there really is nothing you can do. If you continue to push the issue it is more likely that you will push her away. She knows she can talk to you. She knows where to find you. Sometimes we all have to hit rock bottom before we can look up.

Yes it is a horrid situation but she has to want help for anybody to be able to do any good.

[damajdancer]

What you all said makes sense. But how am I supposed to sit back and watch my best friend do horrible things to herself? Doesn't that make me look a little crazy? Because it makes me feel crazy. How can I be there for her if I cant do anything to help her? And what happens if she does get those stitches Deliquesce was talking about. I would know that I let her get that bad to the point she harmed herself so horribly that she needs stitches. How do you think that would make me feel? So you all are telling me that I need to let my friend hurt herself on a daily basis and not push the self injury subject. I dont think that sounds like much of a friend. Even if I pushed it a little too much, she's the type that cant be alone and I'm the only one she talks to. She would never push me away. She understands that I want to help her. I just dont want to see her get as bad as I was with cutting. I did horrible things to myself when I was a cutter. I just got worse and worse and worse because I had no one to help me. I had plenty of friends but they all acted like I needed my space. But all I needed was a friend to be assertive enough with me to help me quit. I finally got that, but it took a couple years. But if you all really think that just letting her do that to herself is the best way to go then I will try it out. But it's going to be extremely difficult.

[possum220]

She is really lucky to have a friend like you. A person who really does care. It would be an awful situation to be in. But you need to tell her that its too painful for you to watch.

I know what it is to SI and I have also stopped. She needs professional help and she needs to be the one to ask for it. Each person is responsible for the choices they make in their own life. I think of my own alcoholic brother. I would dearly love to make him stop binging, but I can't. Last time he nearly died.

Of course you wont stop caring for her and you are as near as the phone is. Never stop caring. Sometimes we just need to step back.

[Sannah]

Dancer, when you respond to her do you think your own issues can get in the way (that it hits too close to home)? If this is happening, you will be responding to your own issues and not to hers and this can be upsetting for people. Also, this is her journey. She has to start where she is and travel it with her own direction. Just support her, tell her that you are sorry that she is feeling bad and try to help her figure things out from where SHE is........

[fallenangel337]

Dancer,

After reading this thread, I just wanted to say I totally respect your position, and I'm sorry that you have to see a good friend suffer like this. It totally sucks, to put it lightly...

My advice is, like everyone else has said, to make sure she doesn't get too out of hand, continue being her friend, and at the same time, give her the space to figure out her own way. I know it's EXTREMELY hard to watch someone else follow the same path you once did. I TOTALLY get that 100%. However, as hard is it is, sometimes you just need to take a step back and let the person figure things out in the same way that you had to. It's important to support her and be a friend to her, but not necessarily try to solve her problems for her.

When my friends confronted me about cutting, it got ugly. As soon as they brought it up, I immediately shut down and went into my shell. I threw my wall up, and I came to resent them and push them away at the time when I needed them the most. I hear what you said about how she's the kind of person who won't be alone, and who will always stick with you; however, that may not always be the case if you push her too hard. I was that kind of person as well, and I immediately distanced myself from EVERYONE was soon as that happened. I quickly assured myself that being alone and without support was better than being with friends who would pressure me and make the scenario worse for me.

In a time where she feels betrayed by the rest of the world, as hard as it is, sometimes it's just best for her own sake for you to be the one person who doesn't betray her...even if that means watching her hurt herself.

I truly wish you two the best of luck with this. This is most definitely a rough situation for both of you, so I hope for the best for you.