[wisewoman]

Tomorrow is my evaluation. Refer to the ada post in depression. I meet with them tomorrow at 1:00. So my plan is not a healthy one. I am aware of this and yet I need to feel that there is a way through this. Some way for me to have some control. So I have pictured what I am to wear and where we will meet and how I will sit so my opportunity to do what I wish to myself is there. I will pre-medicate. Lots. I know it's old stuff but if I can have a poker face and stay calm I will feel less vulnerable. T doesn't like my idea. Well, I don't either but.... She thinks it would be good for me to set a positive tone to the meeting by making a statement about our shared goals. I feel angry and disappointed and I am not sure what I will say so quiet might be best. I know that I need to innitiate meeting in a conference room where there is a table and space. I have no choice but to get through and do well. I can handle it. I won't lose my job. I can't lose my job.

So I may break my positive cycle of no SI tomorrow. If I do it's the smaller of a greater evil.

Today was my hub's pre-op visit for surgery on a tumor, or mass in his spinal column. I learned more then I wanted to. he will be in great pain for a few weeks and will be heavily medicated. We may not get biopsy results for 48 hours or more. He will be at least six weeks sitting, resting, not able to work. He may need P.T. and O.T. depending on neurological deficits. The surgeon will remove some bone and not replace it and probably not have to pin or rod it.

My 20 year old son called me yesterday complaining of an illness that I thought had been cured. It might be a trigger so i will leave it out but basically he p'd me off. Yelling at me and swearing and telling me he wasn't going to go to no f'in E.R. so he could wait for hours and not get the ultrasound etc. So, I made a dozen calls and fixed it for him to get right in at the E.R. and they would have info from his urologist here. He has an illness in his privates. Plumbing related. But I have to fix it? Or I have to take control of figuring it out? Then he tells me that he is going to find a place to move after I was there the third week in Feb and moved him with my money I don't have to a decent apartment. In fact part of that money, $900.00 is just being paid back to a friend today as my taxes came in.

Daughter wrecked her car, friend is getting a new transmission in another one for her. Out of my pocket as hubby has no disability insurance. Mine will be the only income. Oh boy! Daughter acts like a regular 17 year old and takes off today in my truck on my gas to her boyfriend's while I am gone with hubby.

I want to scream. My tummy wants to explode. So I am a druggy tonight and tomorrow. As much as I need. And I will take my tools with me in preparation for my needs. Think good thoughts for me okay? I feel like I am a hurdle jumper in the olympics, clear one and there is another.

Speaking of plumbing, I have to get the pipes to replace in the kitchen where I took the garbage disposal out. Already replaced pipes on other side. I am a plumber too.

and then there is HIS parents. They are coming up for the surgery and I am worried about dad's health as he is 80 with cardiac and diabetes issues. So today we tried to have a sense of humor. I told hubby that I would greet him in the recovery room with an alien mask on. I also told him that since he was afraid of flying I was going to make a tape of a flight attendent's safety talk and play it for him while he is stoned. Lot's of jokes about gummy worms in the ears and putting a sign on the wall by his bed that says: "oy vay do I have a pain in the neck?" I also thought about getting a butt shot for blackmail purposes. He says he wants us to laugh because what will be will be.

[silver_queen]

((((((((((((((((wise)))))))))))))))))

I don't really understand what you're saying there but I hope it goes ok for you tomorrow. Please keep safe.

[cat_eye]

((((((((((((wisewoman)))))))))))))

That's gotta be so stressful. We're all here for ya.

WW, you are a very strong woman and i know that you'll get through tomorrow. you have the backbone to carry it off.....so, i'm praying for you tonight and praying tomorrow for your husband. my sister's church started a prayer chain for him about 30 minutes ago.......xoxox pat

[SweetCrusader]

(((((((((((((ww)))))))))))))))

You have a lot on your plate, sweetie

My heart is with you Please take care of you the best you can...

[wisewoman]

I am alive, thanks for the loving replies Angela, Pat, Ozzie, cateye and silver queeen. A day to be reconed with for a long time I am afraid. I cut, mostly scratched and surprisingly little. I made it through for the next bombshell. I spoke with my son about his behavior toward me and told him it hurt my feelings. I am so pooped. I am questioning my worth at my job but carry on I shall.

sweet, sweet hugs for you, WW.......fayeroe sends kisses and i send love and support for you.....pat

[wisewoman]

I am in so much pain I can barely stand it. I don't want to be a bad person. I don't want to make mistakes, I don't want for people to be upset with me. I think my pain will explode me.

WW, i'm so sorry that you're having a really rough time right now.......do you have a friend you can phone? please, please take care of yourself..........xoxo pat

[Rapunzel]

WW, I wish I knew what to say. I really feel for you. And with a day like this, I'm proud that you even made it through the day, period. I'm sorry that you hurt so much. It stinks so bad that life keeps throwing you so many curve balls all at the same time. I have so much respect for you, just for being who you are, and I know you'll get through this too.

Rap

[Kathyanita]

wisewoman,
how brave and unsung you are in this life,
and how you do SO live the screen name you've made yourself known by here. Do carry on as hard as it has become. Respite comes in small doses.

[wisewoman]

Thanks for the pure love Pat, wendy and Kathy. It helps more then words can say. I want to be perfect, anyone have a perfect pill? I miss my Jane as she would hold me and love me and let me know that no matter what I will survive. I want to be good at my job and I am not always good. Please bare with me. I am a hurting little pup right now. Tonight is hubbie's first show and I was out buying a car for the daughter who ruined hers. Tomorrow I shall attempt it. Hubby feels awful in his body and I am sad and worried about his anxiety level. Thanks for being my friends, it means the world.

[silver_queen]

((((((((((((((((( wise ))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you're hurting like this . I wish I could help you more in some way. Please tell me if there is anything I can do.

[emwell]

Keep posting Wise. We are hear to listen to you. I think your name is very appropriate.

Despite all that is going on around you, you sound like you are doing okay. Don't forget to take sometime for yourself. You are focused so much on other people right now that you may forget about you. Don't let that happen. I have learned from reading your posts. Thank you.

Deb/emwell

[wisewoman]

Silver and emwell, thank you for the kindness you show me. It makes me feel like maybe I am not such a horrible bad person. Hard times. The reactivity post in ptsd hit home for me. Quite interesting. I am a hanging in. Hoping neighbors etc come to help with all that is in store.

hang in there and don't project too much.....we're all here to help you get through this time.....xoxo pat

[wisewoman]

Thanks Pat. Last night an old friend came with her young foster daughter, a young neice and her 2 older children to see hubby's play. They couldn't reach me on the phone so I was at home feeling lazy and will go to the last performance tonight. So suddenly it's 11:00 and in troops a party of 5. Scurry to get beds made up and then realize we have no milk for the baby. We use soy and she was not particularly impressed. So anyway, it was cool to see them all. Wish I gor snuggle time with my friend but I read to her young neice instead. I woke up and fed them and saw them off and went back to bed till about 1:00 and then Hubby left and I watched t.v. till 3:00. I feel so tired. I am getting ready for the play.

He is getting nervous, wants us to be okay. Thinking about death. I told him that I would pickle him and sit him up in the living room with the nintendo controllers and a motion senstive recording of his voice saying "yes dear" "just a minute" ":a ha" "what" ! He chuckled at that one.

I am trying to let the work stuff go. I am hurt and confused. I have no opportunity to ask questions or get answers about the things that were said of me. It doesn't matter though because I need to work. It hurts that I am vulnerable.

I don't feel guilt or shame for the cut, I feel satisfaction that in reality it is only a scratch and that I survived.

I have been here long enough to see the misunderstandings and the pain that happens on the boards. Still, it boggles my brain that my intentions at work could be so mistaken. It boggles my mind that co-workers would feel I was unapproachable and go behind my back. I can't waste my energy here now though. I need to build up the reserves to get through what is coming. I have friends who will set up the hospital bed if necessary and move my daughter as she has the only first floor room.

I need to talk, and this is how I am doing it I guess. I called about hubbie's teacher's retirement yesterday as he has no disability insurance. If we cash it in to live on we lose 30% automatically. A small portion may come back in form of 2005 IRS filings. What to do?

Thanks for listening.

I am trying to be good

I just want to be loved.

i'm really glad that you had the time and inclination to come post this afternoon. you handled the surprise visit well...hats off on that one! i don't handle visits at all. i am not up to it right now....

i know that things are really rough right now and you're confused and scared. that's to be expected. please know that we care for you and will be here when you need us.......xoxo pat

[Rapunzel]

My goodness, you just never slow down, do you? Thanks for posting. You are good, and you are also loved. I can promise both of those.
Rap

[wisewoman]

Wendy, thanks, I need to feel that I am good and that I am loved. Your words touch my heart.

[wisewoman]

cast party today for hubby and lots of support. I hate the unknown. I have places on my body where I have scratched and I did not intend for it to be SI but I think it was due to the feelings in my head. Trying to plan calls and phone trees and contacts. Youngest is so anxious and oldest doesn't have a clue. Middle is sick. I am greatful for fiends.

[wisewoman]

My husband went to a large teaching college Tues a.m. with me at his side and had a spinal tumor removed from his spinal cord at c5, c6 level. It was attached in 2 places to the cord, and was originating from the nerve roots into the right arm. I slept in a chair next to his bed. They were great there, letting me break the rules because he was not in a private room. But I made the nurses and techs jobs easier and they were all very kind. He had a horrible weds night and thurs. He had tried to do with too little narcotics. He came home this afternoon and when I was listening to the machine we found that the pathology reports are back and it was a non-malignant tumor called a (schwanoma) (sp). He has no pain in his leg now, and has 95 percent of his functioning back in right arm and hand. These tumors reoccur. They can happen anywhere. He will be scanned yearly. He is the luciest man alive. I layed next to him and touched and kissed him and told him the the rest is gravy. No money, no job, can't work, but we will be okay. No cancer, no paralysis. Nice people who were loving and kind. I am totally exhausted. I am sore in my body from my leg muscles being tight. I am relieved. Can't think past this moment. Letting my daughter take care of him right now. We had a hospital bed put in my daughter's first floor bedroom and I am in her bed, he is in the hospital bed. He has a lot of pain. My friend stayed with the girls while we were away and did a magnificent job. I am now stressed and that is odd. Let down? I was a little nervous about coming home, scared, his pain and needs. I had them shower him there because the first floor only has a tub and shower versus the second having a walkin. He seems better being at home already. There are kind people in the world. What a trip! Guess I would like to write these folks a letter about what their kindness has meant. The worst part was the 4th year med student and the intern coming in at 7:00 and waking us up to ask dumb questions and give wrong info. Not their faults of course. But man, if we are finally sleeping, please let us!!!!!! So many thanks for the prayers to our great spirit and the love of friends. A hurdle partly jumped thanks in part to all of you.