[BlueMoon6]

I dont know where to post this. I am feeling so awful. I have been crying on and off this evening. And feeling sui and what I should plan and how my children will be effected. I want to SI but I didnt b/c I will be out of control. I feel like I have had enough of everything, of trying, of whatever the problem is, of working on issues, Im tired of thinking. I am tired of going to therapy. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Im tired of life.

I need hugs, but I dont want to post something asking for hugs b/c I dont feel deserving of hugs. I am just sick of crying and crying. I wont ever get what I need in this life and I dont know why I am trying at all. I feel all alone. All I do is take care of my children and husband and I feel like I am falling apart. Even medication doesnt work. I wish it would all end.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( BlueMoon ))))))))))))))))

[BlueMoon6]

Thanks Fuzzybear

[Sannah]

Moon, I am so sorry that you are tired! It is totally understandable that you are tired, though! You have been working soooooooo hard in therapy. Are you going to bring this up with T?

Of course you deserve hugs!

[Abby]

Bluemoon, i'm sorry, i find it really difficult to give hugs out, even online...but i do really feel for you. I understand that feeling of being utterly exhausted and sick to death of everything. And i don't have a relationship nor kids to look after....i have no idea how you manage all that?! I barely cope with my own selfish needs!! I've been reading your posts in the therapy forum and i know you have been doing a lot of very hard work. I don't post much because i find it very scary because i generally find myself entwined and then my automatic reaction is to run!!.....but i have been reading, learning and listening. I think there are a lot of silent members of this forum who take a lot from what you write, so please don't underestimate yourself. Having said all that, i understand what it feel like to be on the edge of coping and to want to sleep till forever. It sounds like you need a break, some 'you' time, some time to just not think or worry or feel. You can't do it all, all the time! I hope you are able to offer yourself some time to just be. I go for a coffee on the weekend, it sounds really pathetic to have no other plans but a drink by myself.....but sometimes it is exactly the space i need, i quit trying to be everything and just....i dunno really....i guess..drink the coffee??! I'm making no sense, but i do hear you.

[BlueMoon6]

Thanks so much Sannah and Abby for your reply to me. Thank you so so much, I needed your replies and hugs.

Abby- your post really touched me and Im glad you posted. It means so much to me. When I post things, epecially if its personal, I wonder what I could be thinking by saying this stuff in public. Its anonymous, but I wonder why I am writing it and if anyone is reading it and why would they care anyway. I know that feelings of getting entwined then wanting to run. Like I have nothing to say anyway and I get very involved in someone's story and begin to care about online friends I have never met. Its kind of a strange thing here, anonymous, but if youre on long enough, it loses some of that anonymous feel. If that makes sense. I like when you post, too. I hope you will post more often. I think I have been on some kind of break or something these past few days from the PT forum. I have been feeling triggery...not that its anyone's fault. Anything can make me feel sad.

I understand the coffee break thing. I do need some "me" time. I feels selfish to even say that. I think i may have even written a Starbucks post. How much a cup of decaf does for me, just to sit and think my own thoughts. I love coffee, but I dont think it loves me. I had a reaction to coffee (decaf) this morning and I couldnt go to see ftt. I was so upset about not being able to go to therapy. I will go post on the therapy board.

Anyway, your reponse to me meant a lot. Its so hard to be in this alone place and not know what to say or where to turn.

(((((((((((((((Moon))))))))))))))))))

I just saw this today. I'm going to PM you.

Love, love, love to you. I'm sorry it's so hard right now

[BlueMoon6]

(((Tree))) I love you. You're friendship means so much to me

[zooropa]

bluemoon, are you feeling any better today? Whether you are or aren't, lots of love for you

[BlueMoon6]

Thanks, Zoo. I am feeling better today. Everyone's replies and hugs has helped so much. Its amazing how that works. Even though I do feel better and not sui, I wish I felt better than I do. Its as if all I need is one push over the edge to feel like that again. Im not feeling strong and I dont know what is going on. Maybe it is the trauma work. Maybe I should go up on my meds?

[zooropa]

it definitely could be the trauma work, I haven't even started doing it in earnest but just talking about starting it soon & thinking about it more has sent me into a deep blue funk. Can you talk to your pdoc about increasing meds? that sounds like it might be a good option...

[nvrlvagain]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I dont know where to post this. I am feeling so awful. I have been crying on and off this evening. And feeling sui and what I should plan and how my children will be effected. I want to SI but I didnt b/c I will be out of control. I feel like I have had enough of everything, of trying, of whatever the problem is, of working on issues, Im tired of thinking. I am tired of going to therapy. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Im tired of life.

I need hugs, but I dont want to post something asking for hugs b/c I dont feel deserving of hugs. I am just sick of crying and crying. I wont ever get what I need in this life and I dont know why I am trying at all. I feel all alone. All I do is take care of my children and husband and I feel like I am falling apart. Even medication doesnt work. I wish it would all end.

I know exactly how you feel. I've been feeling like that for the past couple of days. Normally I'm able to cope and get over my feelings and recognize the symptoms and fight through it.

Well, this week I can't. I just don't want to exist anymore. I am so tired of feeling this way. Thoughts that I can't get out of my mind. Feeling depressed and tired. Not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring. Am I going to feel good, angry, depressed, happy, be tired, be energetic, explosive, or just not give a crap about anything. I just really can't take feeling like this anymore.

I have just given up. I have no hope left. I've tried numerous medications. At one point I was on several different meds. Causing so many side effects: Gaining weight, losing weight, anxiety, cycling, depression, anger and many more.

When does it end? When do I ever get to lead a normal or close to normal life? To be able to wake up and not let the enviornment, weather, a thought, the tv, a song, something someone says, anything and everything, depict what kind of day I will have?

Sorry for going off the subject. It's just believe me I know exactly how you feel. Just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappearing. To not exist so the pain, hurt, frustration, thoughts, guilt, etc., just go away. Coming back when you feel better. But that is never possible, with having children and a husband depending on you. All you can do, which I know is not easy when your feeling this way, is to find something in your life that brings you joy. Try to distract yourself until you have the strength mentally to be able to deal. I know its very hard, believe me. There are people out there who love you. Who will be there for you and stand by your side no matter what. Those number one people are your children. You deserve a hug, a kiss, a tender word, or simple just we'll get through this.

I don't know how old your children are. My boys are 12 and 10. My youngest has bipolar, as well as a couple of other diagnosis'. When I feel this way, I try not to seclude myself from them. Just to sit and hold them. That makes me feel better some times. Please don't give up. We are in the same boat right now feeling the same way.. I wanna believe that one day things will be better. For now we just have to get through the worst. For ourselves right now. Not for anyone else. Hope this somewhat helped...

[BlueMoon6]

Ftt had mentioned that. She said often people go up on their meds in the winter because of effects of less light during the day etc. I was busier today than I expected to be. I had all of these feelings again, sui and SI. I do not feel strong at all. When I get like this its just a matter of time. I am feeling like I have had enough of life and there is no end to feeling this way. I love my children and that stops me from doing anything.

I had so many feelings about my day and I dont know where or if I should post this. My 2 yo is refusing to go to her little school. She goes 2 days/week for 3 hours each day. I usually send her therapy day and another day during the week. She has been crying and clinging and saying she doesnt want to go. I know this school very well from my other children and I know the teachers. On top of that, my 2 yo LOVES it there, but now she just wants to snuggle all day with me. She loves to play at school and loves their toys and the playdough and the jungle gym, everything. For the past 2 weeks she has been refusing to leave me and crying if I mention her school. I took her over today (actually to straighten out my bill) and stayed with her in the class for the 3 hours, half the time she was crying for me to hold her, the other half she was having a great time. I felt like *I* wanted to cry. I love holding her and cuddling up to her, I just dont understand this giant step backward. Maybe the novelty has worn off or she has seen her siblings staying home (with the flu). She came home and only wanted to snuggle next to me with 2 dolls she loves. She even cries if I leave the room. Maybe its not a PC board issue, but its making me feel so worried about her all the time. I am dreaming about her being scared and crying for me. So....I paid the school for the next 2 weeks and I will decide if she will continue for the rest of the year or if they should give away her spot.

Thanks for listening-

Thanks for listening. Maybe her clinging and crying for mommy brings up other issues for me. Could be....

[zooropa]

bluemoon
I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. Please PM me if you want to, I'll be online most of the rest of the day and I will listen. Or just post here or wherever, I don't think it matters too much *where* you post but it is great that you're noticing your feelings and talking about it. You can get through this. You're not alone.

[Sannah]

I wonder if she is picking up on your distress Moon and this is making her feel insecure and worried????

[DoggyBonz]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I dont know where to post this. I am feeling so awful. I have been crying on and off this evening. And feeling sui and what I should plan and how my children will be effected. I want to SI but I didnt b/c I will be out of control. I feel like I have had enough of everything, of trying, of whatever the problem is, of working on issues, Im tired of thinking. I am tired of going to therapy. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Im tired of life.

I need hugs, but I dont want to post something asking for hugs b/c I dont feel deserving of hugs. I am just sick of crying and crying. I wont ever get what I need in this life and I dont know why I am trying at all. I feel all alone. All I do is take care of my children and husband and I feel like I am falling apart. Even medication doesnt work. I wish it would all end.

BlueMoon,
Sorry to hear that you are going through so much. I wish I had logged on a while ago. Reading your post allowed me not to feel so alone and I don't have kids and family to worry and be responsible for.

I wish I could give you some sound advice but I just know that I need to stay with the therapy and let my therapist know what is going on. This is tough stuff and I have been working at it and feel like I am a total failure and not getting anywhere.

I often wonder what the point is - but you have children and that is AWESOME that you want to be a better mother for them. I hope that you are discussing what is going on with your T - maybe you could do a phone call in the middle of the week to help things out. That is what we did for a while and it was helpful.

Wish I could say more - but thank you for posting. I think the weather does have a lot to do with it and you are going through a lot. Try to be gentle with yourself - this is also a hard time of the year in general.

[BlueMoon6]

((((nvrlvagain))) I know how you feel. Its a few days later and I feel better, for sure, but I feel a bit on the edge. As if all I need is something to throw me over. Thank you for your kind words, and Im sure it is very comforting to your boys to have you sit with them. Sometimes its all they need in the moment.

Sannah- Well, she began to go to school. Im glad for her.I was ready to take her out if need be. I wasnt nervous or distressed. I have a feeling when she saw her siblings staying home with the flu it gave her the idea to just stay home and cuddle with me. The director of the school is wonderful, she did say she wasnt surprised she hit a rough spot, she had been so easy going up to this point.....so, she is fine there now. I stay a short while and then go. Its only 3 hours of play....2 days/week.

Thank you DoggyBonz for all of your kind words. I do think this is a hard time of the year. My t is away for a few days so I cant see her until wed. I last saw her 2 mondays ago. I really start to feel terrible when too much time goes by without therapy. Im starting to feel like there is too much going on and I need to see her. I can hold on until monday...what choice do I have? Sigh....