[paintingravens]

I cut last night. I just been feeling like I am on autopilot, like I'm looking out of a window of some machine that is just going and going and going. I wanted to cut so bad cuz i'm sick of being stuck in this here-but-not-really-here perspective, and even though the feeling is temporary, a temporary reality is better than no reality, if that makes sense. I knew it would be a refreshing slap in the face--maybe it'd give me that brief peace of mind needed to come up with a perspective that would counter the depressing philosophy that's been plaguing me. I just wanted some relief. I NEEDED to feel real, if only for a little while. I really did try not to. I just stood there, trying to decide if I should or not. Three times I held the razor to my skin but pulled it away. I tried to stop. I really did. But I just finally decided that it didn't matter if I did or not anyway. I needed to breathe. So I did. I pressed it to my skin, only this time--idk if I'm just becoming more tolerant to the pain or if I was just too numb to feel it as much--I was able to dig a little deeper, so I bled a lot more. I stood in the shower, watching myself bleed. And for a few moments, it was beautiful. The blood was real. I was really alive. I could see my blood, my hands red with it, warm and flowing. But after a short while, reality faded. I had to keep telling myself over and over "the blood is real, the blood is real, the blood is real..." but it still faded. At least I got a break from feeling machine-like.
But to my utter horror/disappointment/dismay, I looked down at the cuts on my leg and saw that they look like a f****** barcode. Like I had just labelled myself as some product, some branded machine that belongs on an assembly line. Not human. I just inadvertently branded myself. F*** me. And on top of that, all the blood running down my leg reeked of metal. IT SMELLED METALLIC. MY blood. That which is supposed to be real, to be my link to reality, to life and feeling real, betrayed me, joined the ranks of unreality. The smell rubbed it in my face. The blood was no longer real, no longer a sign of life and reality. It just screamed at me that I was a machine. I bleed like a machine, like some hunk of metal that just runs and goes and goes and goes. I then felt like I needed to somehow change the cuts, alter them in some way to look more artistic, like they belong to me, like they came from some part of me, whatever that is, like they came from somewhere in my soul, whatever that is. I couldn't figure out for the life of me how to accomplish that. I had no idea how to make a barcode look like art. And I discovered that even if I could alter it, make it more beautiful, it would still stink of metal. I would be a machine no matter what the cuts look like, no matter how I bleed. I would always bleed like a machine.
Now I'm worried. I'm scared almost. I don't know if I can rely on cutting to bring me back to reality anymore. Maybe. but now everytime I cut I'll be reminded of how unreal I am. Maybe I can still cut to calm myself if I'm feeling anxious. Maybe I can still use it. But that which used to be reliable has betrayed me. I don't know how I'm going to counter feeling unreal now. Maybe eventually I'll just randomly feel happy again, like I used to. I can't seem to control my emotions anymore. I don't know wtf I'm going to do. I'm just going in circles. Life is just circles. Life is cycles. Nothing is permanent. Reality, everything, anything, maybe even nothing, is temporary. I don't know anymore.

[Christina86]

((((((((paintingravens))))))))))))

Don't cut again. Do you have someone to talk to about this?

[paintingravens]

Sort of. I talked to a counselor once, but if you look at previous threads I've made in the past couple of days, I don't really have too high of an opinion of him. I don't know if I really want to talk to him. The thought makes me nervous. Which makes me want to cut. And he told me that first session when I told him the thought of it was making me nervous that if coming in makes me want to cut, then he doesn't want me to come in, if it will keep me from cutting. Does that not sound like the stupidest thing ever? I'm cutting anyway, whether I come in or not, which is why I needed to come in the first place! And now I will have let him down, and I don't want to tell him that. I only talked to him once.
I'm definitely scared now. I went out tonight with some friends and the whole time I felt unreal. I went to the bathroom at one point, but I honestly don't know how long I was in there. I didn't have my razor on me--I needed to wake up. So instead, I took my jacket and wrapped it around me neck, just so the blood would pound, rush to my head. I didn't keep it there long. Maybe 15 sec, tops. Just enough to feel it. And it was all fine, I could breathe a little better. But then I think I blacked out for a few moments--not passed out, just had a sudden bout of amnesia. I suddenly didn't know how long I had been in there. I couldn't remember for the life of me if I had left and come back (I had a lot of water to drink, so I went a few times)--I had NO idea how long I was standing there. It freaked me out. Since I didn't have my razor on hand, I scratched at my arm. and scratched and scratched. It still stings, but at least I can feel it there. But it scared me. I've never had a bout of amnesia before. I'm sure it had something to do with wrapping the jacket around my neck, so I don't really think I should do that again, but what else can I do??? I had to walk back out and I guess I was in there a while, cuz my friends started asking what took me so long; I told them I just took a poop.
I'm really scared now. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I'm just trapped here, and I just can't get out of this. I want to cry. I just want to bawl. But I can't. I'm honestly worried now that I might end up doing something out of control, something really really bad. I don't want to. But I'm scared I might have to, or I'll have to do something and will end up doing something far worse. I've never been this scared of myself before.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE...

[Sannah]

PR, I am worried about you. Do you have a family member that you trust that you can talk to? Do you have insurance to pay for a good therapist? What about checking into the local government mental health agency?

[paintingravens]

My mom has gone through quite a few periods of unemployment over the past few years so she's getting paid less than half of what she used to get before the company she had worked for for about 10 years went out of business. We no longer have medical insurance, which is not good, and she barely has enough in her savings anyway--I'm here at college on a full-tuition scholarship, which was INCREDIBLY fortunate, thankfully--so even if I were to tell my family, they'd have no way of paying for any sort of therapy, and I just CANNOT add to my mom's stresses. On top of everything, she's starting to go through menopause and is three-times more emotional than she's ever been (which is saying A LOT). I CAN'T cause her any more stress than she already has--I can't stand to see what that would do to her, and it'd be my fault. Plus, if the family were to find out, inevitably, the ENTIRE family would soon find out because my mom would HAVE to tell someone, and it would never be the same with the family again: perpetual, uncomfortable awkwardness and judging, pitying eyes. I don't want their judgments or their pity. Now I have no problem with religion--I feel all are valid and are worth something, but my family is EXTREMELY religious; they would ALL--and by all, I mean every single one of them--see the need to fix me by shoving religion down my throat, and while I respect their spiritual beliefs, I would NOT be able to handle the evangelistic overload on top of everything else.
I think my main goal here is to keep anyone close to me from finding out; I DO NOT want to hurt them with my selfish impulses. I CAN'T do that. They don't deserve it, and I'd just want to punish myself for causing them pain. That's not gonna happen, at least not by my own volition.

[paintingravens]

As of now, I'm wondering if I really do want to stop. Eventually, I should feel better; I always do, and I won't want to cut for a while, and I may or may not want to later. In a way, it's kind of beautiful--the whole ebb and flow of things, if that makes any sense. But maybe I'm just rationalizing. I don't know. I don't know if I really want to do anything about it anymore. Every time I try to think about it, I end up going in circles and just confusing myself. Maybe I'm supposed to feel numb. Maybe simply accepting it and cutting occasionally, only when I need it, is better than the trouble that comes with trying to fix it. I just don't know. I just need to figure this out...

[Sannah]

I can understand why you wouldn't want to tell family that is unstable. Is there anyone outside of the family who you can depend on? What about checking into government therapy? Many people here at PC get therapy this way here in the US.

Your last post had a problem solving focus to it. I like that............

[paintingravens]

I've been scribbling and journaling out the wazoo for the past few days, trying to see where it leads me, and at first it didn't help any--I just went in repetitive circles and I felt stuck, but I think things are starting to make a little bit of sense, fall into place a bit...Still, I'm kinda confused... I think maybe the reason I felt that the first session didn't help so much was because I was passive about it. I figured I NEEDED to be there, but I didn't have any desire to get anything out of it--I didn't really WANT to be there. If I really want to get anything out of counseling, I'm going to have to make an effort at it, which won't happen if I don't know what it is I want and WHY. Now I think my main concern at the moment is trying to figure out what I want, if I really want to stop SI-ing or not, if my decisions are worth the consequences, and if I'm willing to face the consequences. Tonight, I felt the urge, but I'm going to try going without it, see how long I can go without it and how it works out...It's now day 3 without SI-ing, and the countdown continues... wish me luck.
what is government therapy? how does that work?

Can you call your states medicare or medicaid office to see if you qualify for care? Depending on where you live, there may be no cost or low cost options open to you . I am worried about you also. I understand not wanting to burden your mom and I understand stigma from family, but you are too important to ignore. You are in awful pain; that is obvious. At least reach out here. Maybe someone can help you check out any options your state may offer. Please stay safe. I care.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by paintingravens

I've been scribbling and journaling out the wazoo for the past few days, trying to see where it leads me, and at first it didn't help any--I just went in repetitive circles and I felt stuck,

but I think things are starting to make a little bit of sense, fall into place a bit...

Yah!!!!!!!!!!!

I think maybe the reason I felt that the first session didn't help so much was because I was passive about it. I figured I NEEDED to be there, but I didn't have any desire to get anything out of it--I didn't really WANT to be there. If I really want to get anything out of counseling, I'm going to have to make an effort at it, which won't happen if I don't know what it is I want and WHY. Now I think my main concern at the moment is trying to figure out what I want, if I really want to stop SI-ing or not, if my decisions are worth the consequences, and if I'm willing to face the consequences.

Wow!!!!! Good problem solving here!!!!!!

Tonight, I felt the urge, but I'm going to try going without it, see how long I can go without it and how it works out...It's now day 3 without SI-ing, and the countdown continues... wish me luck.

Yah!!!!!!!!! And I wish you luck on your continued SUCCESS!

what is government therapy? how does that work?

I don't know which state that you live in. Every state is probably different but each one has community mental health centers where you can go to get free or reduced cost therapy.

PR, I get the sense here that you have just found some of your power!!!! This is way to cool! I am so happy for you!!!!

[paintingravens]

Well, i mean, I don't know... There have been several times when I thought I've had this figured out, which led me to thinking I knew what to do about it, but I always ended up back here,and maybe this is just a rerun of those times. I'm starting to really question if this is really a problem, especially since I don't do it all the time. Only when I feel like I ABSOLUTELY need it, and that's not all the time--anywhere between several weeks to several months, though it's more often than not several months. I can be really down, but unless I have no idea what else to do about it, I can usually deal with it. But I think I'm starting to just accept these down times, coping techniques and all... I feel like I'd be giving a part of myself up if I try to get rid of it. I understand that it's not exactly good for me, but who decides what is bad for me to do or not do? Ok, maybe I might have problems communicating my emotions to others, maybe there's underlying issues, but I'm not killing myself. Loved ones don't know about it, so I haven't hurt anyone else. It's not controlling my life; it just takes up a part of my time ONLY when I need it. And wouldn't alcohol be the same way? I mean, people consider it generally ok if someone gets drunk EVERY once in a while, VERY few times, maybe even if someone is having a really hard time and needs a break, and it's not exactly healthy for you--in fact it's bad for you, but it's much more socially accepted because so many people drink it and enjoy it. It's only bad when it becomes a constant thing, right? I mean, practically everything can be bad for you if it's not done in moderation and done for the wrong reasons. Drinking alcohol is basically a form of disguised SI--it kills brain cells and can screw up the liver, but people just don't see the potential/already occuring damage because the SI part is hiding behind inebriation and all that fun stuff. SI is just like the final point of arrival for alcohol--the body's ultimate self-destruction--but because SI skips the inebriation and all the fun stuff, it's seen as being really bad. People just don't see what we get out of it, and in that way it's misunderstood, maybe it's really not as bad as society makes it out to be... It's actually a very controlled response, right? Depending on how it's done and how often and why...better than losing control and killing oneself, right? I'd rather be in control of my pain when I feel out of control, just when I need it, some of the time, than have my lack of control manifest itself in every other aspect of my life, like the little things I might do that people can see and may find annoying or see as controlling or "bossy", or the big things--god forbid, I don't know if it'd really happen--like completely losing it because I feel so out of control and have no means of feeling in control again. Because I worry that's what might happen if I were to give up my means of control--my SI. I don't want it to manifest where others can see it--I want it where only I can see it. I want to know what is so bad about wanting to be in control of my pain if no one else is being affected by it? I'm not making it my mission to go out and hurt the world--I keep it hidden so I don't hurt anyone else. What makes SI so much different than drinking alcohol on a bad day? Or indulging in vast quantities of junk food every once in a while to feel better? Only difference between SI and these things is that SI isn't as socially accepted, but ultimately, all these things are just as harmful in the end. People are just blinded by what they get out of it, and because no one sees what we get out of SI, it's SO BAD to the rest of society... Why should I give it up?
...
Am I in denial? I don't know; these are my thoughts on the matter, what I feel to be true, but really, I'm not sure. How can I expect to fix anything if I don't want to fix anything, if I feel there's nothing to fix, if I don't want to stop? How am I supposed to get anything out of counseling that requires me to do ALL the talking if I never end up wanting to contribute to the conversation? because I don't feel like I need the help, consciously at least? I AM SO CONFUSED AT THE MOMENT...

I'm sorry, I am rambling... I've started picking that up recently...

[Sannah]

Yes, those are all forms of coping mechanisms. If you are healthy you don't need any coping mechanisms. You get healthy by working through your issues and learning the skills that you need to learn. How about looking at it as getting healthy and working through your issues instead of looking at it as having to give up your SI?

[paintingravens]

I guess that's true... I never really thought of it like that before...
Thanks.