[Zenobia]

I hate it when I lose impulse control and do stupid stuff. Now I have to worry about being pregnant for 2 weeks just because I couldn't stop myself and hubby was just happy to get some. I don't want anymore kids.

My kids are coming home from my parents today. I don't want them to come home yet. I feel like a s**tty mom for saying this. I just want a few more days of just hubby and I. Been drinking a lot though, not good and explains my stupidity last night. Shouldn't drink.

Tried to tell hubby about my sadness this morning. He just sighed and didn't consol me. I got into the van and went for a run. Ran hard till my lungs felt fit to burst and the tears stopped coming. Stopped to walk a little until my breathing slowed and ran again. Twisted my ankle and had to come home.

Ate lunch and saw a letter adressed to me. It was from my insurance company. The billing gal at my therapist got a pre-authorization for 12 visits for me. It was supposed to be for my daughter so I am probably screwed. Of course it is saturday so I can't fix it.

Hubby got angry because I got frustrated and he stomped out of the house to go paint his mom's bathroom. I am alone now. Nothing to comfort myself except for the blade. I now have I'M F**KED carved in my upper thigh. The blood is soaking through my shorts. Guess I should go take a shower and clean myself up and come to grips with my own stupidity.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[mj14]

Carrie, we all have days when we slip...please don't let this day drag you down even more. You have done so much to move forward, and one slip, or even a whole day of them, does not negate all that good.

Please take care of yourself...you are too special to be so hard on yourself.

*hugs*
mj

[Peanut61]

Sending you HUGS, (((Carrie)))!! Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT :-)</font color=blue>

[Zenobia]

thanks mj and peanut. I am trying to lighten up on myself. I took a shower and had a little cry. Then I dressed my wounds and went out on the deck to eat a granola bar and read my book. I am feeling better now. The kids are back. I was just playing chess with my son. I don't know how to play chess so he was teaching me. My daughter was crying in her room. I don't know why. Perhaps she is sad to be home? Couldn't blame her. All she has to look forward to here is going back to school in a week. I was always excited to go to school in the fall because it was the end of my enforced isolation but she doesn't like going to school because she is so hard on herself and expects so much of herself that she gets anxiety ridden. She gets to see a therapist on monday. Hopefully she will get tools to help her with that. Hubby hasn't come home yet. He called though to check up on us. I hope he gets home soon. I miss him.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Feel better soon, please. You slipped, I have alot lately too......that doesn't make you stupid, just stressed.

Mary Alice

[Rapunzel]

Carrie,

You are not stupid. You just became overwhelmed by all the things that came up on you at once. It must be hard to be worried about your daughter and her anxiety on top of everything else. I worry about my oldest daughter (11 years old) too. She is too much like me.

Go ahead and vent here when you need to. We understand.
Wendy

<font color=green>Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that, you, too, can become great. -Mark Twain</font color=green>

[heidu]

Not stupid Zen.
Here's a hug from me.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

We are all here for you hun and please don't ever think that you are stupid ok? That word doesn't come near you. Believe that ok?

Hugs
Heather

<font color=blue>The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way </font color=blue>

[Fuzzybear]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You are so NOT stupid ...

Take care,
Fuzzy
xox

[Zenobia]

Ok Ok. I am not stupid. But if I am not stupid why can't I remember the things I have learned and spout off all over the place on these boards. Why can't I make my advice work for me when my being becomes fractured? Why can't I just not do these things? Why do I get lost inside somewhere and allow someone who is not concerned for my wellbeing take over the operation of my body? I look at my thigh and my stomach churns and I become afraid because I can see how close I was to not being here anymore. People, I don't want to die but sometimes I wonder if it is within my power to keep from killing myself. It is like I dissappear into a dark place and the part of me that is left is a sad hateful little girl who wants nothing more then to end the pain in any possible way. Any way.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[Rapunzel]

Carrie,

That is a scary feeling. You do know when to stop though. The rational part of you wins out eventually - that part just takes a break every now and again.

Have you tried writing yourself a note and some instructions for times when your rational side wants to go on vacation? It just might make a difference.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
love,
Wendy

<font color=blue>Life is filled with tragedy; if you let it overwhelm you, you cannot enjoy life's innocent pleasures. -Robert Heinlein</font color=blue>

[Fuzzybear]

That sounds scary. I'm sorry that I don't have any real good advice for you, but I want you to know that I care.

Bearhugs,
Fuzzy

[Zenobia]

Just a quick update. I have had a few people tell me that no I am not alone. Of course one of them had to state it quite firmly (Hey Deep) but it is starting to sink in...slowly. The other day I practiced using the crisis line number. Felt a little dorky explaining that it was a practice call but hey, now I know what to expect right? Deepthinker stressed that I could call her anytime and gave me her number. I am thinking about that. I asked hubby today if it would be all right considering she is an internet friend and all and he said she was my friend and I should decide. Also after I told my story at group today one of the group members gave me his number. Said I could call him when ever I needed too. Don't worry, he is much older then me and happily married. I definitely don't think he is hitting on me. Ha ha. Yes I am always suspicious. I want to thank bptoo for your support through this rough patch. I needed that hug. I am feeling much better now. I just am trying to get up the courage to show my hubby the damage. Sigh. I am just a little afraid is all. Will he be upset with me? I don't think so but I have learned to expect the worse when pointing out that I wasn't feeling well. My parents would get angry at me when I got sick. I learned just to deal with it on my own. It is hard to learn to trust someone to not get mad. Ah well. All I can do is try, right?
Thanks again everyone,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

Thinking of you Carrie xoxoxoxox

Mary Alice

[heidu]

Carrie,
I am glad you posted an update. I was a little concerned about you. As always you haven't let this instance go to waste and you are looking for ways to make sure when you get sick again you have a chain of help. VERY SMART!!!
And yes, all you can do is try. If your hubby gets mad it is only because he loves you and is worried about you but he also knows you and he won't stay mad for long. Especially when he knows your new strategy for dealing with it better.
Lots of hugs and love,
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

[Zenobia]

So you think I should tell him? I mean I can not go naked for a few weeks until the marks fade and save him the worry. But of course this has been my past strategy and I am trying to break out of the old methods so I guess I should show him. Sigh. I don't want to.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[heidu]

I think you should tell him. He's gone thru all these battles with you. He will understand, he will not like it I am sure but he will love you. He knows what you go thru and why. I think the best thing is to be honest. I probably wouldn't whip out the cuts but tell him first. After you can also tell him your chain of support that you have created to try to prevent it from happening again.
Just what I think, you really have to do what you feel is best. I imagine it's hard. You maybe are embarrased or feel like you have failed but that's exactly why you need his support and love.
Hugs,
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

[Serenity]

Carrie....do you trust him(I think you do) Do you love him(I think you do) Do you knwo he loves you too(I think you do......trust him Carrie....you can only get stronger for sharing and openign up the things that scare you most and your fears...take the chance of being hurt to let him support you...It may hurt him...so maybe dont go with hisfirst immediate response...whenwe are hurt we tend to react with anger first before we can think.....give him the chance to help and love you more Carrie.....my thoughts are with you

[Zenobia]

Thanks Heidu and Serenity, I know I should...*she stops writing to try to figure out how she feels about this subject*...when I am with him and think that I will tell him I get panicky. I have nothing that I can defend myself with. I know I shouldn't be doing this, I know that there are better ways but I did this anyway. I am not embaraced nor do I feel as if I have failed because I know that I am in the middle of a process and I have made great strides in getting a handle on it. So to slip is not a failure just another step in the process. It is just that I want to protect him and I want to protect me. I have come to realize this week that no one can be the there for everything 100 percent of the time. We each have our strengths and our weaknesses. I am learning that I don't need to expect any one person to be everything. My hubby is good at helping me with dealing with my anger and has proven to be exceptionally good at helping me see when I have taken on someone else's mood/personality but he is not good with my depression nor is he good at dealing with SI. And that is ok, but if I expect him to support me he is going to fail because he is not equipped to do it. Then he feels bad and I feel worse. So I come here and talk to my T...though I haven't talked to him about this time either. So I think Heidu has the ticket. I will tell him, but make it clear that I don't need anything from him to help me with this. That I have set up a support system of people more able to understand then he is. I will find a nicer way to say it so that his feelings are not hurt.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[Peanut61]

Hugs 4 U, {{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}!!

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

[Rapunzel]

Carrie, That sounds like a good plan. Let him know what it going on but at the same time let him know that you don't expect him to fix anything and that you have help. You have come so far! {{{{{Carrie}}}}}
-Wendy

<font color=blue>Life is filled with tragedy; if you let it overwhelm you, you cannot enjoy life's innocent pleasures. -Robert Heinlein</font color=blue>