[paintingravens]

I don't know, recently it feels like this whole SI thing isn't really a big deal. At all. Like, it just feels like this thing that I do, just some little thing I do only every once in a while, and that it's nothing, just a few little scars... I don't know why people freak out about a few little scars anyway. I mean, if it was some GIANT gash in my skin, or I was purposely missing a giant chunk of flesh, then yeah, I'd understand if it was a big deal... but a few lines... REALLY?? A few scars, what's so bad about that? Maybe it's really not a big deal at all. The emotions I've tried to remember feeling while I had SI-ed feel...idk how to describe it... fake? Like maybe they weren't real feelings at all, like maybe they were just pretend, like they weren't really valid... I don't know if I'm making sense at all, but that's how I feel. I can deal with these "feelings", especially if they're only temporary, and if I SI just when I absolutely need it, then I don't see what the problem is... I hope I'm not in denial, but god, it just doesn't seem like a big problem anymore AT ALL.
I'm just rambling... uselessly rambling...I actually have no idea what to think of this... or if I even have a point to this rant... just thinking out loud I guess...:/

[Rapunzel]

I feel the same way sometimes. There are times when I really can't see how it should be considered a problem at all. That's why the sticky thread about reasons not to. Sometimes it gets very hard to think of any.

SI does keep us from dealing with emotions and situations in more effective ways. It keeps us stuck. And sets a poor example of emotional management for others (children, etc.) who are aware that we do it and reason that if it's ok for us, it must be ok for them too. We don't teach them more effective coping and emotional management either.

[daytimedreamer]

I feel the same way as you do. I am kind of disturbed by how, uh.... undisturbing I find it. So that's something, I guess.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by paintingravens

The emotions I've tried to remember feeling while I had SI-ed feel...idk how to describe it... fake? Like maybe they weren't real feelings at all, like maybe they were just pretend, like they weren't really valid...

I can deal with these "feelings", especially if they're only temporary,

it just doesn't seem like a big problem anymore AT ALL.

Hi PR! Your description of your feelings up there ^ sound like you might be detached from them??????

[stupidsminkle]

I feel the same way. I don't cut deep and it just looks like scratches. I have never understood why I feel like it's not enough to make others worry, because in my mind I can't necessarily say it's good but I don't see it as bad. I would rather have helping resources be used on those that need it more than I do. Perhaps that's why I get many of my friends that know about it angry, because I just can't see what I'm doing as dangerous or any big deal. I know it CAN be dangerous and it CAN get out of hand, but it just seems like a fact and nothing more. I'm not trying to promote cutting, but it just seems to me like something that I do on a regular basis and it's nothing to worry over. :/ This is making it hard for me to stick to recovery and is ruining my relationships with those that know.

[paintingravens]

I'm just... I don't know, I really don't know at all what I'm doing with this anymore. I mean, I don't know if I want to fix this, assuming it needs fixing, or if it even needs fixing, or if I just want to ignore this completely and it'll go away after a while... I don't know what I'm really feeling anymore. Or if I'm feeling anything anymore. I can be happy, whatever that means, I mean, I do enjoy having fun, but it's getting harder and harder to do, it seems, and I don't know why. It's like, the "happiness", the fun, it only lasts a short while, and then there seems to be no point to having it in the first place, which makes it harder to enjoy it, I guess... maybe I'm just being whiny. I have no reason, NO reason at all, to feel this way. I mean, I really have it good. I have a family who loves me, a house, food, friends--it could always be so much worse. I went to the Philippines this past summer, saw where my dad grew up, saw all the poverty, and it made me so much more thankful for what I do have. I SHOULDN'T be feeling this way, especially since I have so much to be thankful for, and when I get to this point I feel guilty for being here--I have no reason to be here. So then WHY do I feel this way?? The "feelings" must not be real, since there's no real reason for them, right???
ah, whatever, I have no friggin idea what I'm talking about...

[paintingravens]

Apathetic... THAT's the word I'm looking for, I think...

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by paintingravens

I don't know what I'm really feeling anymore. Or if I'm feeling anything anymore. I can be happy, ... but it's getting harder and harder to do, it seems, and I don't know why. It's like, the "happiness", the fun, it only lasts a short while, and then there seems to be no point to having it in the first place, which makes it harder to enjoy it, I guess....

I have no reason, NO reason at all, to feel this way. I SHOULDN'T be feeling this way, especially since I have so much to be thankful for, and when I get to this point I feel guilty for being here--I have no reason to be here.

So then WHY do I feel this way?? The "feelings" must not be real, since there's no real reason for them, right???

You feel a certain way, you feel a certain way. The way that you feel is the way that you feel. There is a reason, you just don't understand it right now. Maybe it is just sadness???? I felt a lot of that before I got better and in between the sadness and getting better was a lot of me understanding myself.

[stupidsminkle]

Exactly! I have had others tell me to be more thankful, and I really AM but I still have these feelings. When asked if I want to fix it, I just reply "I don't know.." It makes them really frustrated, so eventually I just pretend to be happy and I stop reaching out for help. It sounds like the apathetic feelings are similar to feeling numb about the whole thing? (correct me if I'm wrong) I can't tell you the reason why you feel these things, even when you know that you "have it good" and should be really grateful. In my experience, hating yourself for having these feelings just leads to more self-hate. Maybe if you just accept that you feel this way and that it's OK to be a little selfish, you can try to figure out "why". I know it's confusing, but maybe you should spend some time reflecting on your feelings so you can understand yourself. After you know what you feel and why (or want to figure out why) then maybe you can talk to a therapist?