[veggy]

i cut when i get panic attacks and i've been on meds that have been helping and i've been really close friends with my ex's cousin that he never sees anyway, to the point of talking about moving in together because she's leaving her husband

and tonight he told her she had to stop talking to me and she listened

and she was all i had.

ativan isn't enough and now i can't stop bleeding and the bathtub water was dark red.

i just don't understand what makes a man, ptsd or bpd or not, go from proposing to hating someone so much for no reason.

[BashfullOne]

I really don't know what to say other than I am afraid for you. I pray that you have stopped bleeding. If not please, please get some help as soon as possible. I know that you are in a bad place right now - and I'm so sorry that your are hurting. Please keep posting so that I know that you are okay! If you have a Therapist or Psych doc please call them now on their emergency line. The next time you maynot be so lucky. Please veggy, let us know how you are doing! Love you!! {{{{veggy}}}}

[veggy]

so far it has stopped bleeding for the most part. i'm not calling the emergency line, i don't want to go to the hospital and i can't afford a hospital stay anyway.

[BashfullOne]

You have me pretty scared there. Do you have a therapist or a psych doc you can call soon? I find that when I get really depressed because of my sever panic attacks, I do a lot of writing in my journal. That helps me to cope big time. Is this something you do or could do to help you from SI? Thank you so much for posting back! It means a lot to me that you did. Contact me anytime, veggy, please. I'm here for you! {{{big hugs}}}

[veggy]

i got up and my leg started bleeding again. the only thing that ever calmed me down were my ex, his cousin, ativan and cutting. ativan isn't working and he took her away and left me for no reason so i cut.

[BashfullOne]

did you get it to stop bleeding again? How deep is the cut, veggy? If you have a pad for that time of month, press it hard against your wound for at least a couple of minutes. Then slowly, slowly, pull it away and wrap it with a bandage and gauze if you have any or put a pad against it and wrap it with gause or a band, but not tight enough to cut off circulation.
Do you have anyone you can call to come over and stay with you for a while? I really wish you would call your ER...Sweatheart I'm worried about you!! Keep posting please, Ill stay up and chat with you.

[veggy]

it only bleeds when i get up so i'm going to stay on the couch til it calms down. i just took ativan and clonazepam to help calm down. nobody will come over. there's nobody to call. she was all i had and she always made me feel better and gave me hope. i was the first person she even told about leaving her husband.

i just want to not exist.

[BashfullOne]

I'm glad that you have the bleeding under control. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Hopefully she will contact you tomorrow and things will be better. The clonazepam should help you relax and sleep. I'm going to hit the sack as I can't keep my eyes open any longer. My meds have kicked in that help me sleep. If I don't take them I'm up all night and day for days... I really would like to be your friend and stay in touch with you. Please post me again and PM me. I would like to know that you are okay in the morning. Hugs!!

[veggy]

i hope you sleep well. i have trazodone but it's the 6th try at a sleeping pill and they don't work.

[BashfullOne]

Becareful mixing them pills. I hope you get some sleep. Nite Nite, veggy!!

How are you doing, veggy?

[veggy]

miserable and i don't think i care anymore if i am.

Is there anything anyone here may do to help?

[veggy]

i don't know. she's been kinda talking to me and still swears she's going to make my ex talk next week since it's all so strange, so that helped, but i just feel like all the progress the meds made was destroyed with that panic attack.

i like that people here know what to do though... like when to call the doctor. i never know about this stuff..

Please keep on posting, veggy. Maybe we can help you sort some things out.

[Sannah]

Veggy, can you find your inner strength? It puts you in a tough situation when your peace of mind can be affected so much by the actions of one person. Are you in therapy? Who else do you have in your support system?

[veggy]

it's just hard because i'll be doing okay and he'll just come by and knock my feet out from under me. when he's his normal self he's so lovely, then he found out about being deployed and he just snapped and it's like my real love died and i want him back so badly. i mean we were looking at rings and making plans to move in together, then he suddenly stopped talking to me. his family has been my support system because mine could care less.

i got fired for missing work for being in the hospital, and i can't seem to find another job even though i've applied to a million places... and my mother just told me she's getting a transfer at work and moving to a different state so i better find somewhere else to live, but my doc said i can't work because i'll get worse.

and all i want to do is curl up with him and feel better like i used to but he refuses to speak to me. the last thing he said was "i love you, sweet dreams" before all this happened.

his cousin said she's just trying to lay low with our friendship to make sure he comes to visit next weekend, and then she's going to get him to talk about what's going on with him with me. he refuses to speak to anyone about me. it's just so strange and painful. i miss him. and if i stop talking to him on the forum we met on like he said to, then he seeks me out and posts to me to be a jerk. i can't win. i just so badly wish he'd go back to normal.

[Sannah]

Finding healthy people to be around is important. People who jerk you around, this isn't so good. Being deployed is a big deal. I could see how it would mess with anyone's head.

[veggy]

well his cousin is being fantastic now. she had broken her phone and that's why she wasn't really talking. their family is actually taking me for vacation this summer.

i found out he lost his deployment, and now we (me and his family) are extremely concerned because he was talking about being depressed and his last fb status said "i'm so ****ed" and nobody has heard from him since.

[Sannah]