[angie2716]

I'm to the point where I am just ready to give up! I'm so tired of putting on this fake smile and acting like everything is ok when it's not. How much longer can this go on. when will it get better. I just feel like no one around me cares about me so why not just end it all. It's getting to where I want to cut more and more. I know I need to get in and see a doctor and T but I'm scared to talk about this to anyone. I know if my husband finds out he will leave me and tell me how stupid I am for doing this to myself. And I did ask the lady I saw last week if me & him were to get a divorce he could suppena my records. And that just scared me even more into not talking about it. But that's the only thing he would have on me and my suicidal thoughts. I just want to cut more!

[Sannah]

Angie, I'm glad that you are thinking about seeing a doc and therapist. This sounds like a really good plan.

So you feel like you have to put on that fake smile?

[angie2716]

Yes. All the time. I hide everything from everyone around me. I just can't tell them what I do.

Copy your post, angie, and give it to you therapist. As you know, therapists are there to help you, They cannot give you their best work if they have to speculate about what is bothering their clients.

You need help. Maybe you could put your embarrassment aside so the valuable, important person you are can get the help you need.

Good luck.

[angie2716]

Thank yall that's what I plan on doing. I just don't want my husband to find out.

[puzzclar]

Angie, I do the same thing, I put on a fake smile for 4.7 years and it's worked to fake everyone. But I do know that eventually it will have to come out, and you just have to work to control it, so that it's your T that finds out, and not the rest of your world. Starting here is a good place, and then your T. and if you can and if your husband is strong enough, then maybe him. It is hard to tell those who love us. I'm not even there yet.

I just want to encourage you to put on that fake smile some more, and only reveal your problems to the professionals. It's a start at least, I know it's hard, but you can get through it!

[angie2716]

Yeah. So now I just have to find one. The thing about my husband is though is if I tell him he will flip out and try to leave and try to take my kids away from me. And that will send me over the edge!

[angie2716]

Well I slipped up again tonight. Everything is just going wrong. I cut once and then. Earlier I burned myself twice. I'm slowly going down hill. I'm to the point I just don't care!

[Sannah]

Angie, you must find a therapist so that you can get better. I have a different viewpoint on the fake smile. Acting opposite of what you feel is very difficult and it isn't fair to yourself. I realize that sometimes you have to do it but I think that it should only be a small amount of time.

[angie2716]

I'm trying to but I'm not working and don't have the money to go. And I feel the same way about the fake smile. I just do it to hide evrything and make everyone else happy.

[Radien]

Angie putting up a fake smile takes a lot of work and is even harder to find a way to take it down. I try and make everyone happy as well and it drives you to insanity. Keep posting and talking to us.You don't need to hide it from all of us on this site so it can be a kind of release for you, you don't have to pretend or fake. I know i am pretty young but if you want someone to talk to i will listen. I hope this helps

[Sannah]

Angie, have you checked into the government sponsored therapy? The belief that we have to make everyone happy is a dyfunctional belief from childhood. Have you examined why you have this belief?

[angie2716]

Thank you. Yes it does take a lot out of you. I've gotten so used to it.

Originally Posted by Radien

Angie putting up a fake smile takes a lot of work and is even harder to find a way to take it down. I try and make everyone happy as well and it drives you to insanity. Keep posting and talking to us.You don't need to hide it from all of us on this site so it can be a kind of release for you, you don't have to pretend or fake. I know i am pretty young but if you want someone to talk to i will listen. I hope this helps

[angie2716]

Yes I have checked into that and I'm on a 2 year waiting list. And I'm supposed to go to a free clinic out of town. Just waiting to hear back from them.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Angie, have you checked into the government sponsored therapy? The belief that we have to make everyone happy is a dyfunctional belief from childhood. Have you examined why you have this belief?

[angie2716]

And I didn't have a bad chilhood. I just grew up this way. I had like 6 bleeding ulcers in my stomach at the age of 14.

[puzzclar]

angie your like me. It takes a large amount of work to pull off a fake on the world. But we must be good at it, for it works part of the time.

As for the bad childhood thing. I to think that having so much go wrong with your body could have contributate to the problems to day. Or it could have just made you stronger to deal with all that you are going through. Just try and keep your head up, and your body safe. (Key word is try)

[angie2716]

Yes it does. And I'm trying as much as I can. I just have to take it one day at a time I guess. I just wish it would get better. I'm physically and emotionally worn out! And thank you. Its just nice to hear that I'm not alone here.

Originally Posted by puzzclar

angie your like me. It takes a large amount of work to pull off a fake on the world. But we must be good at it, for it works part of the time.

As for the bad childhood thing. I to think that having so much go wrong with your body could have contributate to the problems to day. Or it could have just made you stronger to deal with all that you are going through. Just try and keep your head up, and your body safe. (Key word is try)

(((((( angie ))))))

[angie2716]

Ok tonight is getting a lot worse. My kids won't listen and my husband is being a complete jerk. I'm trying to keep myself from going in the bathroom and doing it again. I'm going to lose it!

[angie2716]

Its like I can't stop myself. Why do I do this? Why does it feel good to me? I can't understand any of it. I thought about calling my sister and telling her but I chickened out. I'm afraid it will bring her down as well. I just don't think I can do that to her. I'm calling the place that's an hour and a half away again in the morning. I have got to get some help. Not sure how much more I can take. I just can't stop crying.

[Sannah]

Did you call that place? How old are your kids?

[angie2716]

Yeah they told me to call back monday. And today is no good either. there is just too much crud going on.

[xXWhyXx]

Originally Posted by angie2716

I'm so tired of putting on this fake smile and acting like everything is ok when it's not.

I've said the exact same thing to myself a lot. I can completely feel your pain and agree with you. *sigh* I know saying that I can relate and then giving you a hug won't help but it's all I can do for now.

[angie2716]

Thank you. It helps more than you know. And hugs to you too. I appreciate it!

Originally Posted by xXWhyXx

I've said the exact same thing to myself a lot. I can completely feel your pain and agree with you. *sigh* I know saying that I can relate and then giving you a hug won't help but it's all I can do for now.

[Sannah]