[beatlesmarley]

Ok. So I just found out that I am going to be going to my old T on Saturday. I never told her anything about cutting/anything, or suicidal wants. This could be the only time I get to see her for a long time if she doesn't tell my parents I need to see her. I guess I do need help and I guess I should tell her but I don't know how. And I'm scared she'll tell my parents. Or she'll just walk away and not help. Or she'll judge me. Or if I tell her about everything, all the different SI, the eating, the suicide, the self-hating, and the other stuff, then she'll just say you don't deserve help, or something like that.
Sorry.
I guess my thing is, Is it worth it, should I tell her any of it, and how am I supposed to do that? And will she tell my parents?

beatlesmarley, copy your post and give it to the therapist. Ask her about the questions you have.

Thanks for taking this courageous step. Good luck.

[beatlesmarley]

Just show her this whole thing? Won't she get mad at me? I'm scared she's going to get mad or laugh or something and tell my parents, which will get me in trouble. Do you think I can trust her after all this time? And after not telling her about any of this before?

Hopefully I can take it completely. Thanks.

Show her the whole thing. Yep. She will understand. Tell her about your concerns.

Good luck.

[beatlesmarley]

Ok. I guess I'll try. Nothing worse can happen I guess.

Thanks for the help.

[Sannah]

Marley, therapist won't laugh, get mad at you or tell you you don't need help if you tell them some serious stuff. If she tells your parents how do you think they will handle it? Did you like this therapist?

[beatlesmarley]

Yeah but what if she does? Something inside just keeps saying she won't help, she doesn't care. It scares me that theres a chance she would, even though I guess I sort of know she wouldn't if that makes sense? I know but I don't. If she tells my parents.....it would be really bad.Yeah I did, she was nice, but we only talked about really shallow stuff, like just being sad on the surface sort of thing. But i guess I did like her though

[Sannah]

If you are a minor in many states the therapist has to tell your parents certain things. Why don't you ask her what she needs to tell your parents? If you liked her before and she was nice I really doubt that she would laugh at you or get mad, don't you think? Same thing about her being able to help and her caring about you. If you liked her before and she was nice she probably is caring and helpful. Can you go this time and get beyond the shallow talk? You can still get help from her without telling her certain details (if she needs to tell your parents and they won't handle it well). You can just tell her that you really need help with dealing with your feelings or whatever?? Talking with her about how your parents are would be helpful.

How did this new appt. come about anyway?

[beatlesmarley]

I guess. But if she makes me show her shell tell them for sure. And what if she doesn't like me since I SI or because I'm so sad. Or because I'm me. Thats a good reason. Or because I never told her the full truth about how I was feeling. I don't know if I can pass the shallow talk. I don't know anything right now about anything. Except that I cant deal with this anymore. One way or another it has to end.

I dont know. It was made behind my back I guess. I dont know why.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by beatlesmarley

But if she makes me show her shell tell them for sure.

Just ask her what she needs to tell your parents. You can chose then if you want to add details. You can say you are struggling really bad without sharing details. But Marley, you are not in a good place right now and you NEED help. Don't chose the route of no return.

Originally Posted by beatlesmarley

And what if she doesn't like me since I SI or because I'm so sad. Or because I'm me. Thats a good reason. Or because I never told her the full truth about how I was feeling.

If she behaved like this she wouldn't like any of her clients then. People become therapists because they want to help people and these people are not in good places. How you are feeling is so common with people who need help Marley. She has heard it all before.

Originally Posted by beatlesmarley

I dont know. It was made behind my back I guess. I dont know why.

Maybe because your parents can tell that you are needing help Marley. If they made an appt. for you THEY CARE!

Now Marley, please stay safe! Don't do anything that is irreversible! You must get help!

[beatlesmarley]

Mhm. Ok. I will I guess. But what if the only path I can find is the one of no return? Because thats how its looking right now. Again. A very close friend I got in a fight with a while back apologized today. It made me feel terrible. I dont know why.

I guess. But I dont see any reason why she would like me. I cant see why anyone would.

If they cared I dont see why they would treat me how they do. They probably made it to look like they care. I dont know.

Mhm. I guess. I dont know if anything will help. Tomorrows the day I guess Ill find out.

Copy your posts about how you feel. Even the last one. Be open and honest, beatlesmarley. You can do this. You are a valuable and important person. If you work with your therapist, it could be the beginning of something better for you.

Be well, friend.

[beatlesmarley]

Well. I went. I printed this out and had it in my pocket. I couldn't show her. I just couldn't. But I did open up a little bit. I didn't say much about how sad I am usually. Or how I don't seem to go "up" much at all anymore. Or about how I don't see any reason to live. Or that I had ways I could end it. And I said that the cutting had stopped. So I guess it was a waste. I thought I could do it and tell it all. But I guess not. Now what am I supposed to do? I'm probably going to be going regularly now on Saturday's. But she'll know I lied about cutting if I tell. And suicide and all of that. Why am I such a failure? I just can't seem to do anything right.

[Butterflying]

Hi Marly,
I know it's hard, but you can talk to your therapist. I agree, ask her about what she has to tell your parents. Tell her you want to be open with her, but you worry about it not being able to stay between the two of you. And then, talk to her. She may have had other people struggle with the same issue. This is probably not going to be the first time she has heard this. She wont think less of you or like you less. She will be concerned and want to help. She will also be very happy you were honest with her.

[beatlesmarley]

Mhm. I guess. I sort of saw that. But I still couldn't tell the whole truth anyway. She said she wouldn't tell. And I said that the most suicidal thoughts I have are just "What's the point." nothing more. But that's not true. I didn't say half of what I needed to say. And now I still feel like s***. Especially now. Instead of "what the point" im thining more "whats the point of living." I hate this. So much. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm feeling really terrible right now. I don't know why. I cut really bad three different times today. And other stuff. It hurts now. And I think my wrist might be broken. But I can't do anything about it. I feel like such a failure. And just plain sad. Why should I try anymore if it's always going to come to this. Sadness. Pain. Hurting. I can't take it anymore at all. I want to end this.
Sorry.

[Sannah]

Marley, you did okay on that appt.! Rarely does anyone completely lay it all out there if they are having the reservations that you have been having. It will happen gradually. You went to your appt. and talked to her. Yah!!!! This next week you might feel a little bit more comfortable telling her a little bit more. If not, maybe the next week. This stuff is hard. Please don't be so hard on yourself!

So you felt bad when your friend apoligized? One day you won't feel this way if you keep working like this. You will work through it and come to understand what is going on with this.

I thought about you this weekend. I usually don't come here on the weekends and I usually don't think about PC too much either. But I knew that you had your appt. on Saturday and I was wondering about you. You are important Marley!!

You did it, Marley. YOU DID IT!!!

[beatlesmarley]

Sannah: I guess. I lied though. And now she'll know I lied to her. And then get mad and probably hate me. I can try. But I don't know if I can say it all. I'm just too scared too. And currently I don't see why I should.
Yeah. I felt like I was just worrying him or making him feel bad for no reason. Thanks. Eh. Not really.

TheByz: I guess. But not really. I failed anyway since I didn't tell the whole truth.

[Sannah]

Therapists know that clients don't want to tell all and that they sometimes "lie". It is understandable and okay. This stuff is hard. So she won't get mad and she won't hate you. You don't have to tell all right away. Just start somewhere and work from there.

When I have been afraid the anticipation was always worse than the actual thing that I was afraid of. I have always pushed myself to just do it and I have never been dissapointed. Actually, facing what you are afraid of is actually a relief because the anticipation is much worse than it actually is.

Why should you do this? Because this is how you get better.

[Butterflying]

I think you did fine. Your T wont hate you or be angry. They know it is difficult to get things out. You can still tell more next time. It's okay. Just tell your T there is something I need to say, then just say you self injure or you cut, just say it and get it out. Your T will ask questions probably after that and that will help you. Try to be as honest as possible. Your T is there for you, to help you.

[angie2716]

How are you doing today?

[Butterflying]

So how did it go? Did you see your T again?

[beatlesmarley]

angie: sorry it took a while to answer. today im doing pretty bad. my arm is killing me. and i feel really really bad and low and sad and numb and just ugh. i dont know. everything is just a blur and it feels like im not and shouldnt be here anymore. everything hurts and everything seems bad. im just so sad.

butterflying: yeah. i went yesterday. im also going to start going tuesdays now as well as saturdays. heres what happened:
i didnt tell her about my mom yet :/ i got too scared. but i told her more about cutting. and she said she thought it would be a good idea to tell my parents to not give them a reason to be mad for real. so she talked to them for a while about it and yeah. it was really scary. they didnt get mad there because i think she called them down a ton and stuff. they havent said one word to me though since. which feels almost worse. and then after they walked out and she had to give me this chart to track my moods and then she was really nice and i felt even worse. i dont know about it. i didnt tell her about half the stuff i was supposed to. actually not even close to half. so i dont know if i feel good about it or bad.

[Sannah]

I'm really glad that you are going to go twice a week! Can you tell your T then how sad you are?

[angie2716]

Oh its ok hun! I know how it is not easy to get right back with a reply. I do that a lot! I'm sorry your arm is hurting. And I'm sorry you are feeling so bad today. I hope it gets better for you hun! And you should be here. Everyone here would miss you! We all care about you and are here for you! Hugs hun! And I hope it gets better. If you need anything and I mean anything at all just pm me. I'm gonna be on here for a while.


[QUOTE=beatlesmarley;1317992]angie: sorry it took a while to answer. today im doing pretty bad. my arm is killing me. and i feel really really bad and low and sad and numb and just ugh. i dont know. everything is just a blur and it feels like im not and shouldnt be here anymore. everything hurts and everything seems bad. im just so sad.