So many questions! ( May Trigger )

I just don't understand any of this. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why does it feel good to do this? Why do I have to keep punishing myself for what everyone else is doing to me? Just so many things going on in my mind. I keep thinking to myself just one more week and I go to the dr. I just can't stop myself!

Why do you keep doing it? I can't answer that for you. That is for you to figure out.

It possibly feels good because every time you do it something called endorphins are released which cause you to feel relaxed.

Perhaps you should discuss these questions with your doctor once you go?

Thank you. Yea I'm gonna talk to them about it when I go. I just wish this week would hurry up and go by. I have a feeling its going to go by very slow.

Angie, it is a coping mechanism which does give you some relief, though temporary and unhealthy.

If you want to explain an instance where someone does something to you and this makes you want to punish yourself, we can examine it here so that you understand what you are thinking?

Its mainly the way my husband treats me. Its like I never do anything right for him so he yells at me and treats me like I'm a child and also name calling. And also when I'm having a panic attack and I can't get any relief from it.

Have you ever discussed this with your husband?

No because he would flip out and leave and then use it against me to try to take my kids from me.

How do you know that he would do this?

He is that type of person. No one knows what he is capable of but me. He's talked about leaving and taking the kids from me because of me being suicidal and my panic disorder and depression. He brings me down. He is my main problem but I can't do anything about it until I get my disability. He scares me. I'm sure that is why I haven't left because there is no telling what he would do to me. He can be your worst enemy.

Why I started is a long story, and really didn't make sense but I started.

After that I felt bad for hurting myself, so I hurt myself more, then felt bad about that, so I hurt myself more,

It feeds on it's self for a bit SI makes you feel better, takes away so much of your stress, lets your forget about your pain for just a bit.... but all of that is a lie, all your SI is really doing to you is setting you up for more of the same....

While this isn't understanding or supportive I can't see this as abusive.

I have just seen it before where a person has built someone up to be this certain type of person and what was really going on was that the first person was projecting these negative qualities onto the other person. I have even been the victim of this projecting. I spend a lot of time volunteering and helping people but this person projected bad things on me. She projects bad things on everyone.

Everyone gets upset with things and I have seen where a person who is afraid of anger builds the other person up to be much nastier than they really are.

I have even done this. When I was growing up I was a follower who didn't stand up for myself ever. I got into a friendship with a girl and because I didn't stand up for myself I built her up as being much nastier than she really was. Everyone has a responsibility in a relationship and if one person is not going to stand up for themselves they are partially to blame. No one can take care of you but you. It isn't anyone else's responsibility. (Except if you are a minor).

Nothing is going to get better with your husband unless you talk to him about the problems.

Now if your husband is a wife abuser that is a different story. If this is the case you need to get out then.

He has abused me physically in the past. And now he is doing it emotionally. He puts me down takes things from me. He treats me like a child an has told me what he would do to me if I leave. If I don't do something his way I get gripped at and told that I don't ever do anything right. There are so many things.

Why did the physical abuse stop?

Domestic violence got called. He just finds other ways now.

Well he is more "accomodating" than many are. This means that he does have control over himself. Most of these guys can't control it (they have such deep issues to work on and they aren't working on any of it).

This can happen in non abusive relationships too. You have to answer it (unless it would put you in danger).

How do you respond when he puts you down?

I guess I'm wondering how much of this relationship can be worked on (how much he can work with you).

In my view, your husband is obviously using your emotional problems and the children as a means of controlling you. And yes, I believe he is abusing you. Is he a good father? How much time does he actually spend with the children? Does he help you with the children, wash some clothes, do any cleaning?

Statutory and case law is to the effect that a parent suffering from mental illness should not be penalized in a custody dispute provided the sufferer is following the instructions of her treaters and is capable of taking care of the children.

My suggestion to you is to keep a journey of the amount of time your husband spends with your children and the comments he makes about using the children as weapons to keep you in line.

You should not have to remain in an abusive relationship because you fear your mental illness will be the deciding factor in a custody dispute.

Good luck.

Thank you. He does ok with the kids. He spends a couple of hours a day with them and I have to take care of everything for them. And I'm the only one that cleans and does laundry. He will cook every once in a while do some yard work. And I've been writing down when we argue and when stuff gets turned of etc. And I give it to my sister. I can't keep a journal at home cause he finds it where ever I have it hid and reads it.