[googley]

I want to cut to show how much it hurts. Some sort of external representation of my internal pain. I felt in T this week that she was saying that the emotional abuse didn't count. (Though that probably isn't what she was saying, but that is how it felt.) I feel like I need to show her how much it hurts. That there is real pain. I called T and left her multiple angry messages. The last one asking her to call back because I needed to know that she knows that it hurt. Because otherwise I want to show her by cutting myself. I know that isn't fair of me. But I'm mad that I felt like she didn't think my pain counted It's like, if she doesn't think that counted, then I'll provide her with "real" pain. Pain she can see. I know it's immature, but that is how I'm feeling right now.

[Mike_J]

My first SI event was a very misguided attempt to show my emotional pain as something physical, it didn't work for me, really doubt it works for anyone, but I understand why people (me) try it.

But when you go down that road, SI takes on a life of it's own, such a visious cycle, if your in it please seek whatever help you need to break free, if' your not in it do yourself a HUGE favor, don't start

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( googley )))))))))))))))))

[Confused_1982]

(((((((((Googley))))))))))

Me too. If only someone (T) could *see* just how much pain I am in. SOmetimes I want to show T all my cuts and scars coz he doesnt seem to get how much pain I am in. He thinks I can cope. I can't. Im learning the more I keep it in the more hurt Im causing myself emotionally, and I need to tell T. I am finally learning to trust him. I dont care about the physical pain- I just need the emoitional pain to stop. For once. Somehow.

Has T called you back? Can you tell her about this pain in your next session? I've held it in for so long, but I think this week Im going to try and tell T how much I hurt- could you do the same?

If cutting is the only way to relieve your pain for now make sure you are careful, but please talk to T next time you see her.

[Sannah]

Very good for being so honest Googley. I hope your T calls soon so that you 2 can work this out. Your words can express your pain or your tears. You just need a chance to do this with your T.

One thing that I had to learn and I am seeing someone else here on the psychotherapy forum learn right now, is that you cannot have a conversation with someone who isn't present. We all are really good at having a one sided conversation in our head and we let it run off into the deep end. I really had to learn that I cannot assume anything about anyone else. This other person needs to tell me. I have gotten really good at it (and this took time to stop doing it the other way). Now I never assume anything about anyone. Nothing is true unless it came out of their mouths.

[turquoisesea]

I agree with Sannah's post. Hang in there, and try to be kind to yourself.

It sounds like you're looking for validation, and though I know HERE isn't the place you're looking for it right now, maybe telling us about it might help. I believe emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse. And I believe it affects every person differently. It sounds like it hurt you a lot.

You don't have to hurt yourself to prove the feelings you have bundled up inside.

*hugs*

[googley]

My T called back and let me know that she understood that it hurt and that it still hurts. That she wasn't trying to dismiss my pain as not real. And that she cares about me. She said that no one is allowed to hurt me anymore, not even me. And I told her I would try. It helped to be able to talk to her even though it was brief. To know that she understands. Thank you all for the support. Stay safe.

[Sannah]

I'm so happy that you got to talk to her and it was good!