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  #1  
Old Sep 19, 2003, 10:32 AM
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Rapunzel Rapunzel is offline
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I've been using a pocketknife to make scratches on myself this week. I started doing it on Sunday, and did it every day this week except I didn't yesterday. The locations have been strategically planned not to be noticed too easily (hip, upper leg, upper arm - I tried the bottoms of my feet but the skin is too tough there). I seem to function better overall when I'm doing this, although I've never done it so frequently before. When I can't feel the last one anymore, I do it again.

My husband noticed some of the scratches last night. Busted ***(trigger)*** He grilled me on why and how, etc., insisting that it must be because of him, and also that I must have meant for him to find it there. Busted ***(trigger)*** I really didn't expect to get caught. I didn't think I was doing it for attention, but as it turned out, I didn't particularly mind being grilled about it. Was it more for attention than I thought it was?

I refused to tell him what I used (he would hide it, not that it would be hard to find something else). I don't plan on telling my T this time. I'm not doing bad at all right now. I was upset on Sunday when I started, but since then just did it for maintenance or something. I used to have to be pretty upset to SI, so that change has me a little concerned. I don't know why I'm posting this. Busted ***(trigger)*** I guess I'm trying to work out what's going on. Don't feel obligated to answer - I have no idea what I'm looking for with this.

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>
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“We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.”
– John H. Groberg


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  #2  
Old Sep 19, 2003, 11:03 AM
PlanningtoLive's Avatar
PlanningtoLive PlanningtoLive is offline
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Member Since: Jul 2003
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,511
At least you have an outlet.......another stupid promise I made to my T that I wouldn't do that anymore either. They are scratches, though, right? nothing deep?

If you are comfortable with your T, you should tell him......it might help you figure out why you are still doing it.

I care about you alot. xoxoxoxox

Mary Alice

Busted ***(trigger)***
  #3  
Old Sep 19, 2003, 11:14 AM
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Rapunzel Rapunzel is offline
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Yes, just scratches. I don't think I want my T to know about it. I'm embarassed. Busted ***(trigger)*** We'll see. Then, there is the chance that my husband might tell him. They talk about me, and although I know my T won't disclose information to my husband, it doesn't work that way the other way around. I hadn't thought of that....

I've never made a promise to anyone not to SI. Nobody has asked me for that promise either, but it really bothers my husband that I do it, and I feel awful about that.

I care about you alot too. {{{hugs}}}

Wendy

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>
__________________
“We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.”
– John H. Groberg

  #4  
Old Sep 19, 2003, 11:21 AM
Zenobia Zenobia is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2002
Location: Washington, USA
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I would bring it up with my T if I was in your situation. I wouldn't want to but I would...eventually, ha ha. I believe that I Self injure for a reason. The reason is not always clear and I wonder if there is a reason but I have found when ever I go to my T and tell him about it he is able to help me locate the trigger that is pushing me to SI. Always remember that the goal is to not need to self inflict injury someday. (Bear in mind that I still haven't told my hubby about some significant damage I did a few weeks ago even though everybody recommended that I do tell him. Ha ha. But I have mentioned it in a letter to my T so I will have to deal with it next week. Sigh)
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson
  #5  
Old Sep 19, 2003, 12:57 PM
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Rapunzel Rapunzel is offline
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Carrie,

I've been sitting here staring at your words. I would tell you to talk to your T about yours too (in fact, I think I probably did tell you that, didn't I?) It's easier to give advice than to take it though. We'll see. <font color=blue> she says as she throws her hands in front of her face and peeks out from between the fingers </font color=blue> I'll see him again on Wednesday - four weeks since the last time I saw him. It is entirely possible that that has something to do with it too. Yesterday he answered the e-mail that I had sent him about two weeks ago, and that was probably why I didn't SI yesterday. Just before getting his e-mail I was thinking about making some more scratches and also sending him another e-mail declaring myself mad at him, which would be a first (for me to admit to being mad) and he would probably have thought it was great.

Another possibility is that I might have been hypomanic this week. That was what it turned out to be the last time I thought I was doing great and was full of brilliant ideas (that I couldn't quite pin down and which turned out to be a bunch of junk when I tried to remember them later). And I'm going to be exposed to shopping tomorrow too (going to a fiber festival) - uh oh. I don't have money, but I have a credit card.

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>
__________________
“We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.”
– John H. Groberg

  #6  
Old Sep 19, 2003, 04:31 PM
valbends valbends is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2002
Location: Maryland
Posts: 146
you say that you are not doing bad at all right now... I think you should still tell your T... if you are cutting, and it's getting worse(it doesnt take as much to want to do it) then there is obviously something behind it, of which you might not be aware of. Your T can help you find out what is going on that is making you cut. You can't just try to solve this on your own b/c you won't believe it as much as if someone else says it. Talk to your T, though you may not want to, he can help. (((hugs)))

Through each others weaknesses we find comfort.
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Through each others weaknesses we find comfort.
  #7  
Old Sep 19, 2003, 10:53 PM
Zenobia Zenobia is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2002
Location: Washington, USA
Posts: 1,130
You cut when you are hypo-manic? Hunh. That is interesting, I never thought about it but I certainly can see why. I know the frustration of being way up and thinking all these ideas but not being able to focus on one long enough to do anything about it. When I get that way I pace and pace and bounce up and down. At work it is awful because I just can't settle into the groove, I am great with customers though, ha ha.

Personally I only SI when I am down. It is irritating though because none of my moods last for more then a few hours but I just can't seem to remember that it isn't going to be forever that I feel that way. ah well.

As far as being able to e-mail your T, I am jealous. I can't even call mine after hours to leave a message. It sucks. I understand it though, if I had an e-mail address he would be getting 2 e-mails from me a day. I used to send him all sorts of mail but now I just write the letters in my journal and don't send them. I did however send him a letter about my cutting. I did tell him I was angry at him once...I think I told him I hated his guts and he was a worthless piece of...well you know. He didn't get mad though, I think he understands and sorta expects it once in awhile. In fact considering I am borderline he probably is surprised that I only said that too him a couple of times in the last 3 years, ha ha.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson
  #8  
Old Sep 20, 2003, 12:45 AM
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Rapunzel Rapunzel is offline
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Location: noplace
Posts: 10,284
Well, I haven't decided if I'm on the manic side of things. If I am it's only the second time ever - the last time didn't count because I was overdosing on St. John's Wort, but I haven't taken too much of anything lately. I did score 34 on the mania quiz (if you click on quizzes at the very top of the page). If that's what's going on then the cutting would be to try to stay up and avoid the crash, which wasn't nice at all last time.

My T let me have his e-mail address last spring. I'm really not good at talking about things, but can write, so it really helped to have that option. Sometimes I send more than 2 e-mails per day, but then I get anxious about him not answering and slow down. He even forwards junk mail to me sometimes. He'd probably like it if I got mad at him, since angry is outside of my range of emotions. He really hasn't, but previous therapists have really tried to make me mad just to see if it was possible. Apparently it wasn't.

Thanks for your comments. Busted ***(trigger)***
Wendy

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>
__________________
“We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.”
– John H. Groberg

  #9  
Old Sep 24, 2003, 06:16 PM
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Rapunzel Rapunzel is offline
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Posts: 10,284
Okay, I told him. (just now got back from therapy). Now tell me what to think about this! He surprises me with what he says about things all the time. He said that I was getting better. (yes I explained that I was doing it almost daily and never had done it so frequently before) He asked the extent of it (just scratches). I wound up saying that I just decided to go ahead and do it when I wanted to rather than waiting until it would probably be worse. He said that's good - I'm in control of it rather than just being a victim as if it just happened and I couldn't stop. He has said before that he doesn't hold SI against people or look down on anyone for it, and said again that he doesn't hold it against me.

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>
__________________
“We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.”
– John H. Groberg

  #10  
Old Sep 25, 2003, 10:18 PM
Zenobia Zenobia is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2002
Location: Washington, USA
Posts: 1,130
Therapists are surprising people. Glad you meeting went well.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson
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