[KeepHoldingOn]

I want it so badly. I need it. I want to cut until I bleed out completely. I feel like I need the pain. I want to do something really bad. Not something that will kill me but leave me close to being dead. I actually want to be in a hospital, I want bandages and stitches, I need them. I want the pain, the pure agony, the marks, the bittersweet triumph. I can't fight urges anymore. Nothing is working and I need it more and more. I'm so confused, tired, and just want to get it over with and be done. I want doctors making sure I'm okay, no one has ever cared if I was okay before. I want to be fussed over and babied. I'm not doing this out of a need for attention, but because I feel the need to do something drastic, something to make myself feel differently than I already do. I feel pain, and need more.

[Sannah]

Which mental health professional can you contact ASAP?

[KeepHoldingOn]

I had a T appt that day in which I told her I SI. I don’t know what I want anymore. I feel worse than ever admitting things. The pain is excruciating and now I feel like I want the numbness to return.

[lovefew-fearnone]

Beth I understand what your saying but the numbness not being there is a good thing. Pain is a method and a stage of healing. Your getting better so just keep trying to get better. Do not let the numbness return fight it. I know you are strong enough to beat this. I know you can do it.

[Sannah]

KHO, when is your next appt.? Yes, people can struggle after they disclose but you must keep going to therapy even when you feel bad. It is the only way to get better.

((((((( Liz )))))))

[KeepHoldingOn]

Jon - I used to fight the numbness but now I want it so badly. I feel like I need it.

Sannah - My next appointment is in a few days. I don’t want my t to see me like that, I don’t want anyone to. She said she’s really worried about me and I really don’t want her to be.

Byz - Thanks!

[Sannah]

I am so proud of you for returning to therapy!!!! Do you have shame and this is why you don't want her to see you like this? Or do you feel vulnerable like this? Please don't worry about her being worried. She can take care of herself. You deserve people to worry and care about you, you know! Your T is used to seeing people when they don't want to be seen like they are. Keep up the good work!!! Please continue to keep us posted.........

[KeepHoldingOn]

I think in many ways it’s both. I do feel a lot more vulnerable, something I’m not used to. I’m used to being able to control that and avoid vulnerability by keeping stuff in.

[puzzclar]

Reading this breaks my heart, because I've been there. So if you need to talk I will make myself avalable to help. But I can say this, If you where to give up, it would NOT do you any good, you would actualy be in a worse place then you are now. Please if you need to talk then contact me. I'll be there for you.

[Sannah]

When you grow up in a dysfunctional home it is bad to be vulnerable. You are in a different situation now and you are an adult and now you can protect yourself so you can allow yourself to be vulnerable in certain situations. This is definitely a learning process. I so agree with Puzzclar. You need to keep moving forward. You can learn that it is okay to be vulnerable in certain situations and therapy is one of those. It is not normal to never be vulnerable. You can learn all you need to about this by continuing to move forward.

[KeepHoldingOn]

I already feel vulnerable enough as is.

[Sannah]

So now you need to learn that you can protect yourself and you probably also need to learn what you need to do to fix what is making you feel so vulnerable.

[KeepHoldingOn]

I want to give up and not bother anymore. I don’t care, either way I’m slowly killing myself.

[puzzclar]

I feel the same way. Only a bit different. But I still would encourage you not to. Like I do for myself. There must be away for both of us to survive. Here's one thought focus on others, give some service, get outside of yourself and do something for someone else. Good luck, and Keep posting

[Sannah]

What are you afraid of KHO?

[KeepHoldingOn]

I don’t know to tell you the truth.

[Sannah]

Is it fear, though, that is keeping you from wanting to move forward?

[KeepHoldingOn]

I suppose so.

I had a really rough night, slipped up several times.

[Sannah]

Are you still going to therapy? Do you understand what made last night so hard?

[puzzclar]

I want to help, but, I know the fustration that this all is. It's not fun. But I think part of it is fear, Fear that our life wont be what it once was. We both feel like we need it, and it does feel good, but at what cost. I think it is us that keeps us from healing. We both need to heal, but where not healing, we are both getting WORSE. I do know that we can do it, we just have to find another outlet, besides SI or Drinking. If you find it before I do, let me know. Stay safe, and I will try too.

[KeepHoldingOn]

Sannah- Yes I am, and no I don’t really know exactly why last night was bad.

Puzz- It’s really frustrating to say the least. I completely agree with your statement. I do think it is us that keeps us from healing, at least for me that is true. I think it’s much more than just finding another outlet, but allowing ourselves to heal, to actually want to get better. I know I’m not there yet. I need good reason to want to do something. I often avoid risks because I don’t want to risk failure. I’ve caught myself believing in this "black and white, all or nothing” thinking. I don’t want to but feel the need to.

puzz I also wanted to say thank you so much for just taking to me last night.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by KeepHoldingOn

I often avoid risks because I don’t want to risk failure.

THis is really important and I can see it holding you back from your journey of healing. Do you want to talk more about this? What has happened in the past when you "failed"?

[puzzclar]

You're welcome, I hope that I can talk with you again, since it helps to have someone to talk to. and I hope you are doing well today. Keep us posted.

[KeepHoldingOn]

My world just came crashing down, everything has to change. I just realized I can’t keep doing this to myself. It’s slowing killing me and now it is slowly killing another as well. I need this so badly though.