[Shadowsinsideme]

i know i already put the little trigger warning, but i just wanted to add an extra warning that this will surely be very triggering...



hi everyone. i don't remember if i've ever posted over here or not. i'm usually in schizophrenia and psychosis.
..anyways, i started SI when i was about 7 or 8, just things like hitting myself and picking at my skin and biting myself. When i turned about 10, i occasionally tried breaking my bones and such, and then i started actually cutting when i was around 14. Then, when i was 16, my depression got real bad and i started cutting everyday, mostly on my wrists. It became a nightly ritual: i would sit at the sink everynight, slit my wrists and watch the blood flow into the sink.

I have not SI'd in about 4 or 5 months, but i'm just curious to know if any of my cuts were ever severe enough to where i should have gotten stitches. it's hard for me to know for sure.
there was one i did on my hip, with a razor. I'd say i cut it about 1/4 an inch deep and it split open really wide...about 1/2 inch wide. it bled quite a lot at first, though after about 5 minutes the bleeding stopped. It bled on and off for the next week and didn't start to even heel until about 10 days.

then, there were quite a few i did on my wrist, also pretty deep and split wide open so i could see down into them. They would bleed a lot for the first 5 minutes and then stop. I'm thinking maybe i just have really fast-clotting blood, or maybe they just weren't as deep as i am thinking they were. Whenever i would let the blood run into the sink, it would already be a big clot about 1 minute later. is that normal, or does my blood clot really fast?

well, i hope this wasn't triggering for anyone who decided to read it. thanx

-Becka

[fgh]

Hey becka sounds to me like you are bragging. i can brag too but it ain't my cup of tea if you know what i mean. i cut for me and not for nobody else. but that's okay cuz you're not triggering nobody who doesn't already want to cut, you know? This sure is one weird place here that lets us talk about all that blood running and stuff. My t hasn't heard half of this garbage. what did you get out of letting me read this is what i want to know? It's like a mini course of how to and not like i need any instruction ifyou know what i mean. nona.

[Rapunzel]

Becky, why do you want to know? Maybe your doctor would be a good person to talk about that. None of us are qualified to give medical advice.

Rap

[Hope4me2]

Becky,

When I SI I keep it to myself....I never describe it to anyone NOT even my T....he knows I do it but I do not give him details....I also would like to know why you felt you needed to give details like you did...and I am no medical person so I cannot give you any answers to your question.....
<font color="purple"> Hope </font>

[Shadowsinsideme]

why the need to be so rude and snappy?. I'm sorry, i did not realize i would upset people so much with my questions. I guess i thought the trigger warnings would be enough.....

and what's with making the assumption that i've come here to brag?. I thought this was a place to vent about this stuff.

hope, i also keep this to myself. i dont talk about it with family or even my therapist..it's too weird and uncomfortable to talk about in real life, that's why i came here and asked...figured that maybe someone might know.

why the need to give details? i guess i felt like it was something i needed to talk about and get out in the open. I've never really talked about it like that and now that im pretty much recovered from SI, it's much easier to talk about...i didn't even really realize how detailed i was being about it, but i didn't think it would be that big of an issue.

everyone has asked me "why do i even want to know?" well heck, why not? It's something im just curious to know and i've been curious for a long time.

again...sorry i seemed like i was "bragging" or whatever.

-Becka

[Shadowsinsideme]

alright..now these replies i got are REALLY bothering me! i went and read more posts on this board...plenty of which are extreamly graphic and detailed...like some of the poems that people have written about their SI...yet no one has jumped down THEIR throats about it. I gave the trigger warnings!i felt like talking about it!I felt like i needed to know something after all these months of not knowing!! and this was the only place i felt comfortable doing so! I was not "bragging"--what a rude thing to say to someone!!!. It's not fair. why me? what the heck did i do wrong??

-becka

[hereiam]

Shadow...

Sorry you feel attacked. I didn't think you were bragging, but it does seem like you should ask a medical professional about this if you want a good, reliable answer. Glad to hear that you're doing so well without Si'ing!

Don't let one persons opinion reflect the groups intentions.

[Hope4me2]

Shadow......

I am so sorry if you felt attacked.....that was NOT my intentions at all....please forgive me....but I was having a rough day and I had just got done SIing and I took it out on you..I should NOT have done that.....what you said about others posts here is very true...I was so wrong in my posting to you..."I want to say to you adnd others here on the forum that I am so sorry for my actions.

[Renwolf]

Hope, please don't be too hard on yourself. The original post in this thread kind of rubbed me the wrong way too. Reading it made me think about how I've cut myself, and the damage I've done, and whether or not what I do is more severe or less severe than what was described. And if what i do is less severe, does that mean that I'm less deserving of getting help? Or, worse, if what I do is less severe, then that must mean that I'm not strong enough, so I need to try harder to do more damage.

The logical part of my brain realizes how twisted that kind of thinking is. But still, those are the first thoughts that came to mind and it kind of put me on the defensive at first. I know that wasn't the original posters' intention, and it's totally my fault for continuing to read despite the trigger warning. But I understand why you replied in the way that you did.

Shadow, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I really don't know how to answer your question except to say that only a medical professional can tell you for sure if your cuts require treatment or not. And I'm sorry that you were hurt by some of the replies.

[ickydog2006]

Hope....I don't think you have done anything wrong. I know how you feel because I have had some of the same responses shown to my post. I know those things were not your intentions...and they wern't mine either. I understand your reasoning for posting detail because I do it sometimes just because I need to get it out. Need to feel like I'm not hiding it and get it off my chest. I'm sorry some of the people responded the way they did.

[Shadowsinsideme]

I want to say i'm sorry again too....i should have been more careful about how detailed i was getting...i just kind've let myself go on writing and didn't really think too much about it. I need to remember that i am mostly recovered (at least for now) from SI, and most of the people here are not.
Hope, don't feel so bad about what you said. I can understand why people responded the way they did, even though it upset me...this is a very sensitive subject and i need to remember that.

Im sorry everyone and i will be more careful in the future...i hope you can all forgive me.

-Becka

[Hope4me2]

you have nothing to be sorry for....you posted your feelings and there is nothing wrong with that....that is what the forum is for....you should be able to post what your feeling and not worry about what others think....It would have been better if I would have paid attention to your trigger symbol and not read it until I was settled down myself...again you did NOTHING wrong...so dont be down on yourself....please feel free to post anytime and get your feelings out please....do not hold back because of this one incident...
take care

[Rapunzel]

Hi Becka, and everybody else. I'm just getting back to the forums after working graveyard last night and being out of it most of the day today, so just now seeing this. It does look like you were able to reach an understanding, and I appreciate that very much.


Becka, when I asked you why you want to know, I was thinking about my own self-disclosure about SI, and responses that I have received. I suppose that I'm recovering from this also, but I slipped a little bit a couple of months ago, and for a few weeks I did not want to tell my T, but then I felt guilty about keeping a secret like that, and I did tell her, pretty graphically too. In my case it was pretty light. But the result of describing it like I did was having to spend three weeks trying to figure out why I wanted to talk about SI in that manner, and what kind of reactions I get from people when I do that. It wasn't fun.

There could be many different reasons for wanting to talk about SI, ranging from wanting to be understood to wanting attention to not knowing any other way to talk about our feelings to wanting to compare with others. I feel that if we are self-injurers, we probably have a tendency to act without fully considering the consequences, and that includes when we post or talk about it. It doesn't mean that it is right or wrong to talk about SI - just that maybe we ought to give some thought to what kind of responses we are looking for, as well as how we talk about it.

Another reason that I asked you why you wanted to know what you asked about is that now that you are recovering from SI and the wounds have healed or are healing, it's too late to tell you to go get stitches. Any cuts that are through more than one layer of skin, or deep enough that the fat layers show, or that gape open, or that bleed for a long time really should receive medical attention. But it just seems pointless to tell you that now, know what I mean?

Graphic descriptions of SI are dangerous to many of us here, even when trigger icons are used. We all should probably be careful about that. I know that often when I am not doing so well, and I kind-of feel like SIing but I'm only half-way motivated, I'll go looking for something triggery to push myself over the edge. I'll read it because it has a trigger icon. How much do you want to bet that I'm not the only one? And it can be so tempting to compare damage, which doesn't do anyone a favor either. I'm not just talking to Becka here - I think these are things we all should probably think about if possible. And I do understand that sometimes maybe it isn't possible, so we'll handle those times as they come.

Thanks again, everybody. Be safe.

Wendy

[Hope4me2]

Rap.....what you said is soooooooooooo true.....I go looking for something to trigger me too...espically if I am sitting on the edge of doing it...and it is tempting to compare my damage to others too that post about it here.....the trigger symbol just draws me too it...and then I get upset afterwards....so stupid I know....but am guilty of doing what you said....
you said also that if it is deep enough that it lays open and you see fat that you should see a doctor....I am so scared and embarrassed to do that...how do you deal with doctors and ER's about self injury... I just keep it my secret.....I am so ashamed about all of this...
UGH


PS so sorry if this is highjacking did not mean it to be...

[tamzinrose]

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Rapunzel said:

Graphic descriptions of SI are dangerous to many of us here, even when trigger icons are used. We all should probably be careful about that. I know that often when I am not doing so well, and I kind-of feel like SIing but I'm only half-way motivated, I'll go looking for something triggery to push myself over the edge.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think a lot of us do that. I do.