Guilt

So your fear is that they will leave you if you tell them? Have they ever done anything before that would lead you to believe that they really would leave you?

not these specific people, well one of them has given me reasonable suspicion but other than that no. I’ve always had a fear of people leaving me. That’s why I’ve kept this to myself for so long. I’d be to scared that they’d make me get help or just walk away cause they can’t handle what I do.

One option is to choose one friend who you think would respond the best and try it with her? (If you really want to tell your friends).

One already knows and I’ve talked it over with her (the one that used to SI). She says she considers it lying because I’m leaving things out and that my relationships are built on lies. I feel so guilty about not telling others that are close to me as well.

Because you don't tell everyone she calls this lying? You have the right to tell people or not tell people anything that you chose to tell or not tell. This is what boundaries are about.

Indeed it is my decision in the end. In a sense my relationships are bad because I keep things from the other person. I’d love to tell friends about what I do but it’s embarrassing. The last thing I want is pity.

It is hard to tell people certain things. It can be embarrassing but this is what intimacy is about and when the person responds well it is very rewarding and builds the relationship.

When you say pity you mean they will look down on you?

Yes as in someone looking down on me. I have a lot of close minded friends.

I’m ashamed of my scars.

So you are more open minded than they are? That is interesting. This facet of someone's personality is very important to me. It is at the top of my list. I can't have closed minded friends. I guess you like other things about your friends? Or was this how you were raised and so you just chose your friends this way?

I can understand being ashamed of your scars. I'm sorry . I had to work through and past my shame. It was very liberating. When I got past my shame I could tell myself "this is who I am, I have good points and faults and I love myself anyway and totally accept who I am".

I am more open minded when it comes to the friends I have yes. I tend to not judge, I take people for who they are. I would always be understanding of someone who is going through a particularly hard time in their life. I would say I do like other things about them. I steer clear of some topics because I know they can be opinionated at times.

I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t take this news lightly at all. I don’t want to be forced into anything by the people I tell. I don’t want to feel rushed or as though it’s my SI or friendship. I’m just overall scared they’ll walk away if they know. On the other hand the guilt I feel for not telling them is building up and ruining relationships.

The shame is just terrible. That is what I’m ultimately working towards being able to tell myself but right now I’m just not there yet. I don’t love myself, that’s one of my biggest issues.

This is definitely a journey. You don't get there by wishful thinking or just making up your mind. You have to work to get there. Where are you at in this journey? What are you working on right now if you don't mind me asking?

By the way I added to my last post last minute.

Indeed it won’t come easily to me. I’m not searching for a cure here necessarily, just other ways to cope.

Why would you feel guilt for not telling them and why is it ruining relationships?

In the long term don't you want a cure, though?

Certain friends can tell I’m hiding things from them and they don’t particularly like that. It’s causing a lot of arguments and distrust.

Long term yes, for now I’m fine with just stopping. Although that might not last long because the underlying causes haven’t been addressed. For now I just want to find new ways to deal with things.

Wow, that is pretty demanding.

Indeed it is. I don’t know what to do cause either way they’re slipping away from me. I feel so out of control. I want to control the situation but just can’t at all. It’s hurting me more not telling them but there’s that intense fear of them leaving me otherwise.

I can understand the fear of abandonment but are your needs being met in these relationships?

Other than this truthfully yes. I mean they aren’t friends I necessarily hang out with a lot but yeah. I’m so scared I’ll lose the only real friends I have over something as silly as SI.

The choices that you have in these relationships concerning the SI are out of your control. You are between a rock and a hard place. If you tell they might be judgemental and if you don't tell they give you grief..... The only control that you have is to except either outcome and have peace with the outcomes.

Either way in a sense I’m losing them so should I just let them go? I don’t want to be alone completely with no support at all. Even if I haven’t told them about SI they’re still there to cheer me up when I’m down.

I can never have peace with the outcome. Either way I feel guilt.

How about not telling them and when they press you to be more open tell them that they are demanding too much, that a person has a right to privacy?

They pull the whole "I’ve known you for *insert how many years* you should be able to tell me things” card on me. Then I feel guilty. I feel like they have the right to know.

They don't have the right if they aren't going to do the right thing after they know.

They’re my friends, of course they deserve to know what’s going on in my life.

Perhaps I’m jumping too far ahead in my fears? Maybe I’m just overreacting.