Guilt

This sounds like their rights/needs supercede yours?

I want totally open relationships but feel that’s impossible right now. I just don’t know what to do.

As for the whole telling my T thing I guess I’ll be ready when I am. I’m not rushing things right now.

Totally open relationships are for when you can trust a person and they consider your needs. If these criteria aren't met you will be setting yourself up for getting hurt.

KHO, my daughter has been begging for the computer. I have been on for hours. I need to get off. (My time zone isn't correct right now. It really isn't 3:45 AM where I am, it is much later). I am so glad that I have been able to talk to you. I will check in later.

That is very true.

Thank you for everything. (ha, it is almost 4 am here)

Please keep me posted on what happens?

I’m too much at a stand still to do much at this point but I will keep you updated if anything new happens.

After all of this I’m still not sure if I should tell them or not. Perhaps my fear is irrational and I should just see what one of them says then maybe tell the rest?

I’ve decided to sit one of my good friends down and just spill everything. I’ve realized that I need someone I can fully confide in and he has always been willing to listen. I’m a bit nervous about how it will go but I’m meeting up with him later today.

I like that you have made a plan! Please keep me posted? Good luck!

It didn’t go well to say the least.

I'm sorry it didn't go well, but at least you have us here to vent to. And I have to say sometimes telling those that we think care about us can sometime back fire on us. It all depends on them, and how they will handle it.

Wow, I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?

He didn’t talk to me for days.

Is he talking to you now? Why do you think he didn't talk to you? Did you ask him why he didn't talk to you?

He is talking to me now but not much. I think it was caused by a lack of understanding. I haven’t asked because I’m a little worried about what he would have to say.

What could he say that would worry you?

((((KeepHoldingOn))))

I just read this and I want you to know that it is okay to slip up. I slip up when the pain is too much or I feel so trapped that I feel no other way out or to be able to relieve the pain I am feeling. Do I like it? No. Am I judged for it? With some. But if they are going to judge me then do I really want them in my life.

Everyone deals with pain and hurt in different ways. Whether they SI or drink or eat or not eat or whatever they do, they have their ways of dealing. No one has the right to judge you until they have walked in your shoes. I hate when I fall and SI but it happens. It is not something I plan but when the pain starts sometimes it is just what it is.

I know that you know as I know that when we SI we are doing it for a reason. My reason is to get the pain from the inside somehow to the outside even if only for the moment. I know that it is not the answer but it is a coping mechanism I have used for as long as I know.

I know that when I do it I have then the pain of what I did, the shame of doing it again both to myself as I told mytself I would not do it again, and the shame of others seeing it. I also know that there is guilt of doing it and of what others think.

There is also the pain caused by doing it and also the fact that even after it is all done and over the original pain of what caused me to SI in the first place is still there staring at me. Until I am ready and willing to talk about the pain inside it will not go away. But this takes time.

I hear you say that therapy is not doing anything for you, stick it out and it will. I know that so many times I do not want to go and I always say it. But I also know that when I do not want to be there is when I need to be there the most.

I think it takes a long time to be able to build that trust up in even your t to really talk about things. When I do go to see my t and I do not want to go, it seems that is when I do the most work and things really seem to come to the surface.

But be patient with yourself and accept yourself for who you are. I am sorry that your friend reacted in that way. Maybe he needs time to think about it and to let it sink in. He I am sure does not understand it and he may hurt for you as he feels like what can he do to help.

If they are pushing you to tell them then I think that you have a right to set boundaries. You have a right to your feelings and to open up as you can and you want to. There is nothing wrong with not telling them if that is how you feel.

I am sorry you feel so alone. I do get that as even though there are people in my life that I know love me and care I still feel all alone so many times. When we feel no one understand then it is hard to not feel alone. But I want you to know that we do hear you and we do get it.

Being who you are is important. We are here to listen and to support and encourage you. Be kind to you hon. Do something nice for you. You do deserve it. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

Therapy isn’t working because I don’t want it to. I’m living on the edge but I like it. I love how SI makes me feel, I love everything about it. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t start cutting. I don’t know who I am or where the heck I’m going in life but right now I’m content. Content with feeling numb, just getting by every day. There are so many things I’m unsure of but SI is something that’s constant in my life, something that has never let me down or disappointed me. The shame, well I can deal with that. I’m starting to feel like my life isn’t so bad how it is, that the pain I feel is normal. I accept that pain with open arms, living with it but never learning from it. Some days I hate it, I hate SI and want nothing to do with it, but in the end it’s all I have and I run back to it. It takes the agony and hurt I feel and makes it physical, real, and tangible. I feel so numb, dead, emotionally detached, and reserved. At the same time I’ve never felt more alive even though I feel nothing. Each day I wait for the numbness to take hold, to consume me until I feel nothing at all.

I see you as too afraid to move forward.

You are just scared to move past where you are right now. where you have been for so long. I have noticed some changes in you since i left and came back. You are scared of being let down in life again. you say SI never lets you down but i remember the days when it was the thing that let you down the most. I am here to help you move past this. i am here to help you just like everyone else on this site. the real question is are you willing to help yourself and put forth the effort to bring yourself out of this like i have always known you could do. its time

No, I’m not ready.

I am patiently waiting for the time that you will be ready ...........

I just don’t know how I’m going to get to being ready.

One step at a time taking the first step first and you don't get any extra points by rushing it, actually, you lose points by being impatient.

I don’t know if I should just hope that some day I wake up and don’t want to anymore or if I should try to stop even though I know I’ll fail. I just don’t know what it will take for me to realize that I’m done feeling the way I do.