Guilt

SI doesn't stop (at least the urges) until you work on the reasons that you are doing it. I would suggest that you work on your issues and not work on the SI (except working on resisting when the urges come up). You have to work on the roots of this. This is what I am talking about when I say that you need to take the first step first. Trying to stop SI is like the 100th step. The dominoes have a natural way of falling here.

It’s hard when those reasons bring back memories. I will try though. Thank you.

Yes, and this is why you want to avoid it all.........

It would make things so much easier if I could just skip the whole memories thing and just get on with it already. I feel terrible, my mood is up and down, I’m super stressed from work and everything else. I’m starting to not even have a social life, it’s turning into sitting at home staring into space when I’m not at work. The thing is I don’t really mind that. Even if I’m the least bit happy the urges are still there and I end up giving in. I feel helpless, like no matter what I do I can’t control myself.

But this isn't based on reality. The only way out is through. You are wishing for things that can't come true.

I know it isn’t and the only way is to deal with it but it’s hard to. I don’t know how much I want it. Si is all I know, everything I have.

Yes, it is hard but it is the only way to get better. On the other side of the hard work is a much better life.

Is it necessarily a bad thing that I’m content with being the way I am?

If you were content you wouldn't be posting here.

The thing is though you are content. You can accept the things you do. You may not be content that they happen but your content with your life. Thats all I could ever ask for is to be content.

I am content but I’m not. I don’t really know. It’s getting harder and harder to hide the scars.

I don’t like that it happens but yes I guess I am content with my life. I’m stressed but well I get through it. For some reason the guilt is gone when I cut.

Thank you, Sannah.

I feel like nothing ever changes, like my SI just gets worse not better. Maybe people here are right, I am scared to changed and don’t know any better. I want to give in so badly I want to feel again.

And this is what is going to happen without real therapy.

This will require real therapy too...........

I haven't posted in this thread in a while, but I am sorry to see that you are still feeling so bad.. If it makes ya feel any better, I relapsed (if you wanna call it that) just the other day.. Yes, I was the one that had quit for nearly a year and a half. I actually made a thread while I was doing it, it just got to the point where I couldn't control it.. Hopefully I will be able to stop again, but just know you aren't alone and I am here fighting the same battle with you.

I haven’t posted in a while because I didn’t want to get the same responses. Yes it has gotten worse, a lot worse and I’m not able to control it at all anymore. I’ve found myself with blood dripping from wounds I do not remember inflicting, and pain like none I’ve ever felt before. I’ve also found myself places I don’t remember going to, and long gaps of time that I have no recollection of.

I gave in and I have to admit it felt really good to finally get everything out to the the surface.

Sannah: A friend irl actually brought to my attention that nothing is changing and I’m starting to believe her. She’s getting tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. I’m too scared to go back to my T because I always quit and then end up going back. The emotional ups and downs are too much for me to handle so I bury them deeper each time. I guess nothing is changing, and I’m not happy about that but I don’t know if I’m comfortable going back. I just feel like I can’t be open to anyone anymore in fear of being judged or getting hurt. I don’t want to be let down anymore. I’m afraid to hope and try because it just leads to more pain that I end up needing to escape from.

Emotionally Dead: Thank you. I really appreciate your post. You will be able to stop just keep working hard and you’ll get there.

That's me too. I can't open up very easily unless I am in the right state of mind. The memory lapes happen to me as well. Keep, I think for a lot of us we are afriad to hope to try to do anything to help ourselves becuase we see things as they are, and don't want to give up our ways of doing things.

But I can still say I hope for things to get better for all of us, but it seems like that hope is dead in all of us, but yet it still is living. weird huh?

KHO, there is nothing wrong with quitting T and then going back and then quitting T and then going back..... Your reluctance is actually expected. Therapy can be hard.

All of your fears are valid fears. From what I have found, however, is that facing your fears is the best way to be rid of them. Without facing them they continue to loom over you in a menacing way. Facing them and dealing with them tears them down and gets rid of them.

KHO, it sounds like you are getting to a very bad point and you really need to seek help. It is good that you have a therapist that you are familiar with. I really, really hope that you make an appt. with her. Please continue to keep me posted on how you are doing......

I hate going back and forth but I’m not content being in therapy. It doesn’t seem like enough now.

I’m scared to take that step to break them down.

I couldn’t agree more, I am getting to a very bad point. I’m actually not that familiar with her.

Being afraid and not feeling content with therapy are common things, things to work through. Can you make an appt. with this therapist?

I guess, yeah. I’m not sure when I’m available to go but I’ll see I guess.

I guess I just don’t want to give up Si quite yet.

Your T is going to make you give up SI?