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Member
Member Since Jun 2003
Location: England
Posts: 197
20 |
Oct 05, 2003 at 10:38 AM
#1
I'm doing okay, though I can't say everything's just fine (otherwise, I wouldn't be posting here still ). But a problem I'm having now is that I WANT things to be worse. I want to to cut myself again, if that makes any sense. I want to feel like there's nothing I'm living for. What the hell is wrong with me?
So yes. Just wanted to get that out, whether anyone reads it or not. |
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Legendary
Member Since Jun 2003
Location: noplace
Posts: 10,284
20 132 hugs
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Oct 05, 2003 at 11:00 AM
#2
That sounds very familiar to me. When I was starting to get over my depression I really wanted to get worse again and to hurt myself more. I think it was mostly because I had spent my whole life being depressed and didn't know what to do otherwise. So, I think it's a good sign. For me, that feeling of wanting to be worse and to give in to the depression again lasted for a few months and can still turn up occasionally, but it gets easier to resist it all the time.
Wendy <font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple> __________________ “We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.” – John H. Groberg 
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Member
Member Since Mar 2002
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 40
22 |
Oct 05, 2003 at 01:36 PM
#3
I guess two things come to mind when I hear what you are saying:
1) self injurious behavior is addictive 2) Some times we only feel alive or only really know how to function if we are in crisis mode Take care of yourself --moonlight <font color=purple> Whatever you can do, or believe you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Goethe </font color=purple> 
__________________ [purple] Whatever you can do, or believe you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Goethe [/purple] 
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2002
Location: Washington, USA
Posts: 1,130
22 |
Oct 06, 2003 at 10:44 AM
#4
I felt that way for a long time after I started getting better. I didn't want to let go of the feeling out of control. It made me feel alive. To feel normal was too weird to me, it was scary because it felt like I was not really here. But when I got freaky I became ultra aware of myself and that felt good even though I was miserable. I found that admitting my desire to feel that craziness was the only way that I could move past it. I discussed it at length with my T. He told me that it is totally normal considering that was how my life was for so long. I just had to learn to be comfortable with what felt uncomfortable at the time. (much easier said then done, lol.)
As time goes by that changes though. I spend most of my time in a fairly good space now so when I get freaky it is down right scary to me. It gives me the shivers to think that was how I spent most of my life, just plain freaky, on the edge of destruction 24/7. Carrie <font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson |
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Grand Member
Member Since Feb 2002
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 714
22 |
Oct 06, 2003 at 02:56 PM
#5
cryingchild, I am going through very similar feelings right now. I know I am getting better, and it is terrifying. I'll find that I go through a day feeling ok, then get so depressed and cry at night, even though I can't think of a single reason why.
I think everyone has their own reasons for this feeling. I know for me, a lot of it has to do with the fear that if I get better, then I will have to deal with life by myself, without the help from my therapists. Anyway, just know that you are not alone in your feelings. And you are very definitely *not* stupid. *hugs* mj __________________ If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever |
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Veteran Member
Member Since Aug 2003
Location: Western New York
Posts: 316
20 |
Oct 08, 2003 at 03:31 PM
#6
Crying.... I can relate quite a bit to your post. I know that I typically want things to get worse. I am pretty confident that is depression clouding your thoughts and judgements. For me I know I often want things to get so bad that I have no choice but to end it all. Troulb eis you do that long enough nad you can find yourself in a hole you can't dig out of.
__________________ 
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Junior Member
Member Since May 2003
Location: CT
Posts: 10
21 |
Oct 08, 2003 at 07:12 PM
#7
WOW I feel exactly the same way. I have been doing good since I started PHP. I got scared and paranoid waiting for something bad to happen. I stopped focusing on me and getting well and I had a huge relapse. The only thing I could possibly suggest is to really use whatever skills you are using that are keeping you safe for now cause slipping is easy. Accept any mistakes or bad urges you have and dont be too hard on yourself.
best of luck Courtney |
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