[PlanningtoLive]

A couple of nights ago, I sat in my room and took out one of the kitchen knives and sat for quite awhile with it against my wrists, one at a time. I even took the point and made scratches on my arms, but none were deep enough to cause any significant damage.

All I wanted to do was see red.......everywhere. The stress of constantly performing well at work is taking its toll on me - on all my tests this week, I received a 100%. The mid test is tomorrow - 300 points - on everything I have learned so far.

You would think that I would be confident of doing quite well based on my previous tests. I know I will pass.....my biggest concern is what the actual score will be. Stupidly enough, it needs to be a 100 also. I should be studying now, but I'm scared to.

If the score is not perfect, I don't know what I'll do. One of my biggest issues is that I have to do it as perfectly as is possible. Otherwise I fail and that is unacceptable. For anyone else, a score of passing (90) would be terrific - it would just destroy me to only get that.

Yesterday I worked 17 hours, today 11.......with alot of help from my pain meds. I got a wonderful review this week - which is done every Sunday as it is the end of their week - and it is faxed to the Regional Manager and the higher ups. My test scores were written on it as well.

I'm supposed to head home tomorrow after work, be back in the evening. It's a long drive and too much thinking time if I don't do well according to my standards. That worries me - I know how I will feel. If I do an excellent job, that is one hurdle down..........and many more to come [sigh].

I was never supposed to have made it this far, into this month. I have decided NOT to email my T anymore with little notes,some of my posts......but not like letters anymore. I am expecting him to have ESP I think and call me constantly, instead of just emailing me back. I feel separated from everyone these days, have for quite awhile actually....even when I am home.

The only reason I didn't really push harder into my skin the other night was because I hate the idea of being more of a pest and leaving a mess to clean up.....sorry if that produces images for anyone. The place I am in runs $500/day for anyone just wandering in off the street.....$5000/month. I read the back of the door and almost fainted.

Please say a few prayers for me - I have to do an excellent job. G*d help me if I don't.

Mary Alice

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}

Wish I knew how to make it okay for you not to have a perfect score.

I have to take a test tomorrow too, not a regular one for a class - this one is more important. It is to revalidate my classes taken more than eight years ago. So it actually covers material that I was finished with 12-16 years ago. If I don't pass I would have to take the classes over again to get my B.A. I'm not really worried about passing (they said that 51% would pass, and I think I remember the material pretty well, although there isn't a study guide and it is too much to read all those books again), but of course passing would never be good enough. Don't know what I can do about it though.

I'll keep you in mind, and you're always in my prayers anyway. We can at least sympathize with each other.
Wendy

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}} trying to overachieve is not easy, isn't it?

Best of luck to you, I'll say a few extra for you.

Thanks.

Mary Alice

[heidu]

I'll keep you both in my thoughts and I am sending hugs to both of you.
I know I could say all the mumbo jumbo like "do your best, that's good enough" and "you don't have to be perfect" but I can hear you both....."yah, yah, yah, blah, blah, blah".

So well wishes and hugs....that's what you get :O)
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[Zenobia]

{{{{{{{{{{{MaryAlice}}}}}}}}}} I know it is hard to do but please try to give yourself some slack. It is ok to not get 100% on everything. How you do on a test doesn't indicate how good a person you are. It just indicates how much you know and if you need to learn something. That is all.

If you are sitting with a kitchen knife to your wrists I think that is a good indicator that you need to contact your T. You are under a significant amount of stress and to cut yourself off from your support lines is not a good idea. You T may be able to help guide you through this.
Take care,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[Peanut61]

(((((((((((((((<font color=red>Mary Alice</font color=red>)))))))))))))))...

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[PlanningtoLive]

Heidu ************hugs************************ I wish that would work, unfortunately it doesn't.

But good thoughts and hugs ALWAYS work

Thanks.

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} where have you been? I've missed you.

The test results are how I view myself........it shows whether I have a good reason to exist or not. Warped thinking, I know.

My T must be fed up with me......I sent him a copy of my post, and no call or email. It's okay though - my being needy usually drives people away a lot sooner than this.

Really glad to see you.

Mary Alice

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} amazing how your pictures can say so much.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox ty

Mary Alice

[PlanningtoLive]

Okay everybody, the results are in.................YIPPPEEEEE I SCORED 100% ON MY TEST :::::::::jumping up and down:::::::::

The guy that is going to be the General Manager where I am going scored a 98.7% when he took his......and I beat him. Woooooooohoooooooooo [happy dance]

I received a "good job" from the training GM, from my District Manager, and from my immediate supervisor even on his day off. I guess the DM made some calls and let people know that I got all of them correct.

Ahhhhhhhhh, now I have to do it on the final at the end of the month - as my DM reminded me today. This has at least proven I haven't been a complete waste of space the last week and a half.

Now I can relax at home for the next two days.....then on Wed I see my T. Maybe he'll be talking to me by then [sigh].

That ambitious, competitive streak in me is thrilled. Thank you for all your support and well wishes.



Mary Alice

[Zenobia]

Just have been a bit quiet that is all and yes it is warped thinking (this is coming from the validictorian of her graduating class in highschool and a person who wants to go to college but won't because she is afraid of failing any assignments so she doesn't even try. Oh yeah, I can give the advice, just can't take it. ha ha.) Congratulations on the test! I am glad you can relax for a few days.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[heidu]

Glad you get some time to relax now Mary Alice :O)
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[Peanut61]

I care about you VERY MUCH regardless of how you do on any test!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm glad that you feel good about the results, though... Like Heidu said, try to have a couple of relaxing days, OK?!!, and keep posting because we miss you a lot when you don't!! XOXO, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[heatherm]

{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}

YAY - good for you!!!!!! We are all doing the happy dance with you

Get some rest and relaxation hun...you deserve it with all of the hard work you are doing!


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

[saving_grace]

hi, i think that is an amazing!!! result, you should be so proud
{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

'It's the dance we do... You get lost in it for a little while, but it always ends the same.'

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Peanut}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} ty so much. I wish I felt that way too.

Carrie, ************hugs**********************

Heather, Heidu, ty for responding.............

I am very glad that it is over with for now. I called my T and it turns out he was ill yesterday (hence the reason I received no response to my email). He was glad for me, but on the other hand he wishes I hadn't scored so well - he knew how upset I would have been and wanted to try to get me to work through those feelings.

He doesn't realize that talking about my failing would not have helped how I feel about myself. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to see myself the way he does, and really believe it is me. It has been so long this way, that I wonder if we are both wasting our time - sometimes the old dog does NOT learn new tricks.

Course my father asked me why I didn't do better??????????? Then he said he was joking and laughed, but I still got paranoid for a minute.

[PlanningtoLive]

Thanks Saving........it is one load off my mind for a few days. Next week, two important people from corporate are coming down and will actually be working shifts with me and want to talk to me...........gee, I feel so important.......lol. NOT - getting insecure at the thought of it actually.

Mary Alice

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}

Your last sentence about your Father teasing you cropped up an old memory for me......my best friend in High School (Cindy) was so very hard on herself and I didn't realize the extent until we were sitting in class and received our biology test back (Grade 10 - umm a couple years ago ). She made 98 on her test and was sitting there crying and I mean really sobbing. I went over to her thinking that she failed her test and she looked up at me...eyes full of tears and said "My Father is going to kill me...I didn't make 100". I remember giving her a hug and telling her he will be proud of her.

The next day I asked how his reponse was and she said..."just like I said - disappointed in me". I remember going home from school and telling this to my Mom. She said that it was sad but there was nothing I can do about it. I remember feeling so helpless. Cindy went on with her education and is quite successful today but that moment showed me the extent of her wanting to succeed - not for herself but for someone else.

I just want you to know that I understand how you feel and wish you could feel good in succeeding for yourself and no one else but you.



Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}

Congratulations on doing so well on your test!!! Even if you could get to the point where almost perfect would be okay, the boost you get from scoring 100% is nice. I hope you feel good!

Wendy

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

[PlanningtoLive]

That is how it has been and still is my entire life. I have only one test that scored less than 100 and it eats at me....those little voices whisper "loser, failure" and laugh. For now, thank goodness, they are quiet.

My life consists of doing things with my life for other people, so I guess I am not rejected and alone (my T's theory). All I know is that I am constantly trying to live up to extremely high standards, and to fail means that I have no purpose existing.

Thanks for understanding.

Mary Alice

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} how did you do? I know you were taking a test also. Hmmmm, come on, tell me.

I had at last shut those annoying voices off till my father said that - but, I am used to it. My efficient self is extremely satisified........I am terrified of the next test in 2 weeks. Always something, isn't it?

Mary Alice

[Rapunzel]

My test was awful. I still don't have results back, but I'm not at all confident that I even passed. It took three hours to get through the thing, and the questions were not at all like I was expecting. It was all multiple choice, but there was terminology that I didn't remember, and it asked about details of specific research studies that I'm not sure I ever heard of and case studies that just didn't even sound familiar to me. I just want to scream.

It didn't help that I was not in a good state of mind for taking a test anyway. My neighbors have been complaining to the sherrif department about my animals but they always tell me everything is fine, and an animal control officer was here threatening me on Monday. I did some cutting (not just scratches) after that, but it really didn't help. And I'm not eating - well, less than 500 calories per day. When I was taking the test I kept being distracted by being hungry, and the proctor was eating, and I couldn't concentrate very well. Then I went to my husband's office (same building), and he was out but my T was there and not particularly busy, and he tried to tell me it was okay even if I didn't pass, but it's not. I go to therapy this afternoon. I don't like to go when I'm upset or aggitated about something, or just generally down and depressed, because it's never very productive then. I want him to fix the problem and make me feel better, and it doesn't happen.

I'm sorry to take so much space about myself on your thread. Thanks for asking though, and I really am happy for you that you did so well on your test.
Wendy

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[heidu]

Wendy,
I'm so sorry things went so bad with the test. It sounds like you tried but it's so hard when there are so many distractions. Especially when your hungry and someone is sitting there eating. Wonder what the proctor would have done if you went and took his food?

I'm sending hugs to you today :O)
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[Zenobia]

Argh, I have one of those types of neighbors. They are the most frustrating.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[PlanningtoLive]

Wendy, I am so sorry. I hate when tests are not what you expect them to be.

I am glad that you told me how you are feeling, and you're right.....when I go to my T upset or depressed, I am usually looking for an argument because the last thing I want to hear is "it's okay - you're doing fine". Makes me twice as mad.

I told him last time that I don't care if something is a "normal response" - that it means nothing to me when I am upset and I don't want to hear it. [sigh] sometimes I am not nice.

If you need anything, venting or otherwise, let me know. You know I'm there for you anytime.

I hope things go well for you today at your T's. I get to see mine today as well.

***********hugs********************

Mary Alice