[Zenobia]

Went to group today. Apparently it was cancel but three of us were not aware of this so we showed up. We started chatting and telling about our week when one of the guys girlfriend came in just as I was going to talk about what happened last week. I started by saying how hurtful it was when last week someone told me how malicious and mean people with borderline are. The girlfriend pipes right in with "They are, they really are." I tried to explain that it was a misconception, tried to explain about the lack of emotional filters and how the explosions were not meant to be malicious they just happen because emotion hits us so intensely. She just continued say how awful we are because she had a neighbor who was borderline and she was absolutely dreadful so she knows how awful borderlines are. She said this AFTER her boyfriend told her that I was borderline in an attempt to get her to stop. I gave up trying to explain my experience and just started to cry. There was nothing I could do but cry and draw all over my hand. The boyfriend got me a kleenex and at this point she started to cry because it dawned on her just how dreadful she had been. He asked me if I was ok and I just shook my head no. He tried to cheer me up. I managed to stuff my emotions and smile. When I got out to the car I started to cry again. When I got home I was sobbing. I just knelt in the middle of the kitchen floor in a curled up ball and sobbed as I let the emotion ride through me. I was a breath away from head banging but I didn't. See the funny thing is even though I was sobbing and the emotion was riding me hard somewhere deep inside I knew all I had to do was wait and it would blow itself out. This is new for me, this awareness of time and that it won't last forever. Oh, I have talked about it. I have worked on telling myself it but this time I actually FELT it.

Now I am tired. My head hurts my eyes ache I feel horrible. But I know it is just because of the heavy out put of energy that the crying took from me. I am not depressed, just tired and achey. I will be ok.

Can you tell me how it is that people who are afflicted with mental disorders be such bigots toward other people afflicted by a different disorder? She didn't even know me. I had never hurt her in anyway. How could she be so damn mean to me? Doesn't the pain they feel when they are treated poorly based on their illness give them any empathy for other people who suffer the same bias and bigotry?
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[moonlight]

(((Carrie)))
I'm so sorry that incident happened. I guess some people just get caught up in what they are saying and they don't think.
I hope you are doing ok--
Lord I wish there was some way to better understand the whole borderline thing and to have people understand it. . .
take care of your self--
<font color=red> love </font color=red>
--<font color=blue> moonlight </font color=blue>

<font color=purple> Whatever you can do, or believe you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.
Goethe </font color=purple>

[PlanningtoLive]

Carrie, people have no clue and listen to heresay. I'm sorry that happened to you.

I just got done crying for 3 days straight and I know how you feel. I swing from one roller coaster to another, and meds don't stop the acute pain.

{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Mary Alice

[Zenobia]

Thanks for the hugs moonlight and mary alice. I find that I am niave about somethings. Dispite all that has happened to me in my life I still believe that people are for the most part kind and good. That is what makes it hurt all that much more, it is like getting blindsided everytime someone is so vicious toward me. I have had misconceptions about people in the past but have kept me mouth shut and my mind open and willing to change. I forget that there are many people who do not live that way. Sigh.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[PlanningtoLive]

See, I am the exact opposite. I believe people are basically out for themselves and would do whatever they have to in order to make their life better, etc. My parents always taught me never to trust anyone, because you will get hurt. In this they were accurate.

I have never really completely trusted anyone till my T.

Most people have told me that I am not nice.......I have a horrible temper and when picked on, get very cranky and nasty with verbal remarks. Not with anyone of you here, so no concerns.......lol.

I'm sorry you keep getting hurt, Carrie. People will do it every chance they can I learned.

Course my way of thinking keeps me alone, so who knows which is the right way?

[Peanut61]

((((((((((((((Carrie)))))))))))))))...

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[heidu]

I'm sorry she made you feel so bad. Some people have no understanding and think it's ok to label a group of people while forgetting they are individuals.
I have been getting this email from people talking about how whiney immigrants are and that America is so great and if they don't like it they should leave. It talks about how America believes in God (christian) and critisizes them for believing different. It talks about learning the language and if they don't speak english blah blah blah.
I find it the most unchristian email I have ever recieved. It's full of hate, predjudice and judgement. No compassion or understandning whatsoever. In the end it says if you don't agree delete it and if you do pass it on.
I have responded to each person that has sent it to me saying exactly what I feel about it and why. The sad thing is I have recieved it from half my American friends and family back home and yesterday it was from my mom.
It makes me so angry and sad. So much ignorance and cruelty because people are different. Being an immigrant myself I undertand how it feels and what it's like to try to fit in and adjust.
Friends and family here in Norway have said some horrible things about immigrants and seem to forget I am one. I actually have people say I'm different because I am white or because I am married to their relative. It makes me sick.
Sorry......I just got this email again last night and it's pretty fresh on my mind. All people are individuals with thier own feelings and should be treated as such.
Hugs Carrie,
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[Rapunzel]

People can be so ignorant. I think that most of them are not really out to hurt anyone - they just don't think before they open their mouths. Even when they should know what it feels like to be hurt by someone's comments about their differences, they do the same thing to others, most of the time without realizing it. Some do know what they are doing and maybe it makes them feel better to make someone else feel the way they do. They need to grow up.

Not everybody is nice, but I tend to trust people until they have given me a reason not to trust them. It's all or nothing - once I know that someone can't be trusted they probably will never have a chance of winning my trust back. It's not about forgiveness or holding grudges - it is self preservation. If someone might hurt me, I see no reason to give them the power to hurt me by giving them my trust. For example, I know that my neighbors hate me, so when they try to act friendly I know it's false and I mostly just try to stay away from them.

Carrie, I'm sorry about how ignorant people are and that they hurt you. You handled it extremely well though. It's okay to have feelings and to let your feelings show, and let people know when they have wronged you. Maybe they will learn from it. We can always hope, anyway. You kept it under control enough that you were able to get home, when you allowed yourself to feel your emotions but recognized that if you rode it out, it would pass. You did great!!! Congratulations for managing that situation and getting through it like you did!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs for Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{hugs for Mary Alice and Heidu also, and everyone else who has to deal with not-so-nice people}}}}}}}}}}}}}
-Wendy

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[forgoten]

(((((((((((Carrie)))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry that you got hurt.
People are so mean but I still don't know why. I guess it's their way to shield themself so they will not get hurt. Maybe they don't see the damage they are doing. I just don't know. All I know is this world is much too mean.

Take good care!
forgoten

[Zenobia]

thanks everyone for the support and understanding and your hugs.

Mary Alice, For some reason I am not able to lose this niavitee. It is funny because I am a cynical person in most areas of my life but when it comes to people's innate goodness I just can't let go of the idea. I wish I could sometimes, like now.

Heidu,
There is a song by the Violent Femmes called "America, the Home of the Hippocrit." When I listen to it I jut have to shake my head because it rings so true. But you know what, I don't think it has to be that way. I believe that the majority of us are not that way. I think there is just a minority of white people who have forgotten that the only people who are not immigrants in this country are the Native Americans. I think a lot of this sentiment is fear based. White, Christians have been in power for a very long time, is it no wonder that they don't want to lose that power? Quite frankly, I don't think that they are aware that America isn't so Christian anymore. I have a feeling that all the other many religions are catching up with them. I think it would be awesome if we could start having paid holidays for every religions special days. Nor is America so very white anymore. As the minorities find their power or should I say their right to have power things will change quite drastically in our government. I look forward to the day because once it happens I won't have to be so ashamed of my color, which is white.

Rapunzel,
I am super proud of how I handled it. It is truly the first time I actually KNEW it was going to pass. This is like an important milestone for me. As far as not being able to gain your trust once it is lost, I find that I don't actually trust anyone until I have put them through their paces. I was married for over a decade before I could trust my husband. I had to put him in a situation where any normal man would leave, when he didn't then I trusted him...sorta. My T is still on the iffy list. I am working on it.

Forgoten,
I guess I am just so used to holding my tongue when I don't have something nice to say that it goes beyond me that others can be so callous. Jerks.

{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie hugs Peanut back}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thanks darling.

To Everyone: I talk to my husband about my feelings. He refered me back to my T. This frustrated me because I thought I was doing such a good job dealing with it. So I call my T and told him about it and he said I did beautifully, just what we have been working on and no I don't need to go see him about it. Then he postulated that maybe hubby might need to see someone since he is still having such problems dealing with my talking directly to him about my problems. I think Dan, my T, is finally realizing that there was a reason I learned to stuff my feelings and not talk about them to my husband. I think he is starting to realize that he may have misjudged how much of what I was telling him was distorted by my BPD. He did give me a good way to discuss this problem with my group. He pointed out that there should be many classifications of BPD because there are many different presentations of the disorder but unfortunately if you are Borderline you get lumped in with everyone. He said that I present more of a PTSD symtemology (I am not sure if symtomology is even a word I just made it up tee hee) which is much more High Functioning then other types. So what I think is if I explained to my bi-polar group that BPD is much like bi-polar in that there should be the different classifications like they have. I think they could understand that. Anyway I have to get out of here and go to work. Take care everyone, and thanks again.
Carrie





<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson