cutting

I want to but I can't
Can't bring myself to make that first cut
Can't do the pain. Can't face the mess, the explanations,t he excuses.
I know I shouldn't but i have tried all the *shoulds* and they don't work. Maybe a forbidden act will help.
But I can't do it.

Caroline, try to stay strong...you can beat this. Take one second at a time...keep your hands busy with anything like typing or cards or whatever, just don't pick up any sharp objects. That usually works for me.

Stay safe and good luck.

No forbidden acts and no cuts. You can beat the urge. Pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaase? :uppydog eyes::
Like Lex says"Stay strong"!!!!!

Hi LEx
thank you for the positive thoughts. I was scared when I found myself pulling a craft knife across my arms, but didn't do any damage for the reasons mentioned.
I told a colleague at work today about it. She told me to call her if I felt that way at any time. When I demurred she pointed out how bad she woudl feel if I did hurt myself in that way. So I promised to call her if things get thata bad again. I also emailed my counsellor and told her what is going on, and I think she will pass it on to my GP. Don't know whether to try to phone him - he is extremely supportive but, let's face it, there is very little he can do, and contacting him (ltet alone seeing him) requires major organisation and plenty of time, neither of which I have.
C

Thank you Jax
I managed to beat the urge. Not sure I was strong, just scared. But I will keep trying. One problem is that my husband leaves craft knives all over the place, which means I often find them and that seems to be a trigger. I don't go looking for things to hurt myself with (except sometimes pins, which don't really count) - it's almost out of my control if I see them.
C

PM me if you want to...

Could he put them away for you?
I can't imagine it being that powerful. My heart goes out to you.
I use to cut but it was never so bad that I couldn't be around sharp objects.
Fortuneately, it ended as quickly as it started. I did it twice-really bad. I'm still scarred up from it.
I cringe now when I think of myself doing that to myself. It was over 20 years ago. Reading some of the cutting posts reminds me of why but I can't ever imagine myself doing that to myself again.
I really hope you can get to this mind frame soon. Something that you use to do but no longer have the urge to. I'm hoping really hard for everyone on this site who does cut that they find their way out of it. I really don't know what to say except HUGS!!!! and keep typing instead of cutting.

I can't tell him how I feel. He can't cope with it.

I haven't cut myself yet. I'm just scared I might.

ty for the hugs

I think that it's easy for it to be that powerful. If I'm near sharp enough scissors, I'll just cut pretty much automatically. I'm just lucky that I have a support system of friends.
*HUGS* for Caroline. I'm so sorry you're finding it so hard right now. PM me anytime. And you can Vent too. You should Vent. Venting might help.

Have you thought about cutting up something other than yourself as a means of sublimating? I personally love making collages and find making art in general to be very therapeutic. Something truly fascinating about collaging is this: if you make a drawing, for instance, that you don't really like, one you might be 'ashamed to own up to', you can cut it into a bunch of pieces and reassemble it into something amazing.If you print out a bunch of things that interest you from the internet, cut them up and reassemble them, you escape the anxiety of 'getting started'.

For me, it is even more extreme, I actually have taken a knife and cut into what were my favorite paintings at a particular time in my life, which was horrible. However, once I had put them back together and fixed all the awful tears, I found that my paintings were stronger and more 'me' than before. Unfortunately, I broke my hand not long ago punching a painting and so I had to go through the much less satisfying process of healing my flesh instead of paper or canvas.

You may 'feel torn up' and so you literally want to do that in order to make the outside and inside 'match up'. What you really need to do, though, is work in other direction, the direction of creating a whole from the pieces.

Oofti, that is really cool. I guess your avatar's your work? I wish I could see it bigger, it's hard to see.
Tamzi, , it's automatic, like a habit? I'm sorry you do that to yourself. ((((Tamzi))) I hope you can stop soon.
Caroline, if you haven't cut yet then don't it's not good. I have this ugly red wormy looking thing on my belly from cutting. And scars all over my waist. Please don't cut. Try what Oofti said or something like it. Anything but cutting! Thinking of you. ((((((Caroline)))))

*HUGS back* Thanks. I kinda hope I can stop soon too. But I don't really know why I'm stopping except for my friends who are worried about me.

that's a start

I guess.

Hi again Tamzi. ((((((((((Tamzi)))))))))) Just wanted to give you a hug.

Aww thanks. You can have one too. *HUG*

Just wanted to see how you are doing. How are you doing? I am thinking about you.
((((((((tamzinrose)))))))))

I feel kinda bad that I've hijacked Caroline's post. Sorry Caroline. *HUGS* How are you?

Yes Caroline how are you? ((((((((((((Caroline))))))))))