[granite1]

i cant believe i SI again tonight just out of the blue it just gets in my head and i just want to do it.i feel like such a failure because i just wanted to do it and did nothing to stop me from doing it .i have been good about comming here or writing in my journal or something untill it passed but i didnt feel like fighting.i'm tired and angry.i'm so tired of being in controle i just dont want to be any more it is real hard when i'm so angry.i dont want to anymore and i know people will hate me for it along with my T but atleast i can quit seeing her,i dont know what i'm going to do about my hubby.i dont even want to interact with him or anyone i just want to hide in my head so bad it is hard not to.i feel like i want to totally didapear in my head and never come back and deal with people

[granite1]

i swear something has just gone crazy inmy head and i am just not thinking ok.i'm so sorry i have no right

[thine_self_untrue]

Who says you need to have a right to lose it? In my experiance, you can't really control it all the time.
I'm sorry you're feeling so down tonight. It's hard. It's so hard.
I don't think people will "hate" you for cutting, but they probably will be disappointed because they care about you and want you to stop hurting yourself. Does your husband make you feel bad about what you've done? Does he not understand why you cut? I hope that he is supportive, but it's hard for a lot of people to fathom why anyone would willingly hurt themselves.
I hope things get better soon, granite. Know that you deserve so much better. Just because you failed tonight does not make you a failure. You are a valuable person who can win this. Pick yourself back up and try again. Every second, every minute and every day you stay strong is a success.

[suzzie]

(((((granite)))))

hope youre feeling better today.

(would say more but im not good with words.)

[googley]

(((((((((Granite))))))))))

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I don't hate you. I'm sure your T doesn't hate you and your husband doesn't hate you. I think they want you to be safe. They care about you so much. I care about you. I know it is hard sometimes. We all slip up sometimes. That doesn't make us bad people. It doesn't make us awful. It just means we are human. My T told me something last week that I have found really useful. She said that I should take everything one day at a time. I don't have to think about being perfect forever. That seems so overwhelming. I just need to think about a short period of time. And even if I do slip up, that doesn't mean I'm a failure. It means that I slipped up and I need to get on the horse again. She said that she wont hate me if I cut. She will be worried that I am in so much pain that I felt I needed to cut to deal with it. But she wont hate me. I'm sure that your T and your husband are the same way. It is really hard to accept that she wouldn't hate me if I slip up. That slipping up wouldn't mean that I was deserving of her hate and scorn.

You are not deserving of anyone's hate and scorn. You are deserving of only love. I care about you and want you to be safe. But I will not be angry with you if you slip up. Try to be compassionate with yourself. And I will try to be compassionate with myself.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by googley

(((((((((Granite))))))))))

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I don't hate you. I'm sure your T doesn't hate you and your husband doesn't hate you. I think they want you to be safe. They care about you so much. I care about you. I know it is hard sometimes. We all slip up sometimes. That doesn't make us bad people. It doesn't make us awful. It just means we are human. My T told me something last week that I have found really useful. She said that I should take everything one day at a time. I don't have to think about being perfect forever. That seems so overwhelming. I just need to think about a short period of time. And even if I do slip up, that doesn't mean I'm a failure. It means that I slipped up and I need to get on the horse again. She said that she wont hate me if I cut. She will be worried that I am in so much pain that I felt I needed to cut to deal with it. But she wont hate me. I'm sure that your T and your husband are the same way. It is really hard to accept that she wouldn't hate me if I slip up. That slipping up wouldn't mean that I was deserving of her hate and scorn.

You are not deserving of anyone's hate and scorn. You are deserving of only love. I care about you and want you to be safe. But I will not be angry with you if you slip up. Try to be compassionate with yourself. And I will try to be compassionate with myself.

my T has no idea that i still SI she has seen my scars and has commented on how i use to SI i never corrected her .i just dont cut my arms.noone ever sees.if they do they ignore it.i would be terrified to tell my T that i still SI.i think she would stop seeing me because i have been seeing her for a year and i have said nothing.i'm not ready to stop and i dont want her knowing.part of it is because i dont do it often and i'm scared to tell.i could never see myself telling her.and the longer it goes without being spoken the harder it is and the more unimportant it seems.

[googley]

((((Granite))))

I'm sorry you feel you need to keep this secret from your T. When I met my last T I had told her that I had been cutting (it had only been a few months since I had last cut). She asked me if I wanted to stop. It didn't seem like she was going to ask me to stop cutting if I wanted to keep doing it. I can't say that your T would respond the same way. But you might want to think about giving her the benefit of the doubt. I know it can be really hard. Just think about it. You are worth it. You are worth getting her help.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by googley

((((Granite))))

I'm sorry you feel you need to keep this secret from your T. When I met my last T I had told her that I had been cutting (it had only been a few months since I had last cut). She asked me if I wanted to stop. It didn't seem like she was going to ask me to stop cutting if I wanted to keep doing it. I can't say that your T would respond the same way. But you might want to think about giving her the benefit of the doubt. I know it can be really hard. Just think about it. You are worth it. You are worth getting her help.

just wanted to say your awsome

[Sannah]

I wish that you could talk about your anger Granite. I don't blame you for being tired of being in control. Being in control is hard. I wish that you could talk about these things because then you could give yourself some relief and then you wouldn't need to be in control so much.

I'm not upset that you SI'd............

[Detia]

Everyone else here has said many of the words I would like to say to you. So the only small thing I can offer you is perhaps a little bit of advice. When I feel the overwhelming urge, I sit still and do deep breathing exercises. I count how long each breath is and I just focus on that. Sometimes I'll put on sounds of the ocean to help focus on the breathing. After a time the urge will go away.

Perhaps this could work for you too... I am not upset with you, I think you're a wonderful person and mistakes happen, but they are in the past and tomorrow is a new day.