Relapsed, feeling hopeless and alone.

As some of you know, I'm a recovering drug addict/alcoholic. Last Saturday I relapsed and relapsed again lastnight, big time. I'm still high today from lastnight and haven't been to bed from all the meth I smoked. I feel sooo guilty and feel such shame over all this. My sister is living back home and she's an addict as well. She constantly torments me with dope until I give in. I know it's my choice, which I feel terrible about, but it'd be so much easier if she'd move out or something. I went TEN MONTHS clean, then relapsed. Now it's shot all to hell! *sigh*

All I want to do is get a blade, curl up under the covers in my bed, and cut until I'm too exhausted to cut anymore. I haven't cut in several months, but the urge is really there right now. Using or cutting... Why can't I think of positive ways to cope? GRRR!

I feel for you Bama. Sorry you're finding it so tough right now. But try not to be so hard on yourself. PM if you need to talk. We all need better ways to cope, but none of us have found them yet, except those of us who now have the honour of calling themselves Recovered, whether it be SI-ers or alcoholics, or drug addicts. Whatever. Just try to keep the hope of recovery, and don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes.

(((((tamz))))) Thank you. I'm trying my best not to SI or use right now, but both are easily accessable to me. I truely wonder why some of us have to go through so much pain at such young ages. So tired of the bulls**t. Tired of the flashbacks from being raped so many times, tired of the consequences and damage my bodys in due to the crap I put myself through, tired of the drugs, tired of hurting. Just tired.

((((((Bama)))))))
Everyone makes mistakes. Like tamz said, try not to be so hard on yourself. Please be safe, and PM me anytime you need to.

-Jennifer-

((((((((((((((Bama)))))))))))))) Try not to be so hard on yourself. Congratulations on the 10 months. That is something to be proud of. I have relapsed too and have found that I need to look forward instead of backward. You know you can as you went ten months. You are trying to recover from some very strong addictions. Do you have someone you can call? A counselor or a therapist? Feel free to PM me should you need someone to talk to. Keep posting.

thanks y'all. ((((((everyone))))))

Yes, I have a therapist. I'm going to call her tomorrow. I just took a nap and feel a little better. The urge to cut isn't as strong now.

Bam meth is a hard drug. there is a 89 percent relaps rate for it. I know alot about meth cause my cousin uses. She stopped cold turkey cause she is pregnant. if i were u i would go back to treatment. Keep posting.

I don't have the same insurance anymore so I don't have the means of paying for treatment again. I still go to my IOP aftercare meetings, which is outpatient rehab, but obviously I need something inpatient. I can't stop on my own.