[hatteras duck]

the desire to burn. But haven't! Barely hanging on to not hurting me again. I went as far and bought a brush, it's sitting on the coffee table. My favorite color too! I have been biting my fingernails untill they bleed, pulling skin off the palms of my hands and smoking.

but I have not used the brush to scrape all the skin off my ankles. Have held the brush many times. And last night, it stayed on my pillow.

Not so sure I wont be burning before to long.

[Omers]

Hang in there. You can keep yourself safe. I am going to post this so that you know I am here and listening... I do have more to say.

[Omers]

I am so proud that you are continuing to resist. What are you doing that is working? Obviously you are and continue to do something right. You have and are keeping yourself safe.
Can you tell me about how you are succeeding this far?
It may also be helpful to others who SI to know how you are succeding, that you have made it through the night and are continuing to succeed at holding off through the day.

[hatteras duck]

Hi, Thanks for your encouragement and support.

The urge is so strong! I'm not really sure how I am managing to control this. Except over eating. But that is not going to work but for long. I'm already hating that too. I have put on weight. I can feel it. Yes, I have had eating disorders. Anorexia. Now, it's binging and some purging.

Right now, I am just barely hanging on. I put the brush up to my ankle and just intensly imagaine the feelling. I so want to. I put the brush down and cry. I have even got out the hammer and sat staring at it. So want to put bruises on me. I love the feel of just scraping my skin off with the brush. I will brush until a spot is totally raw. I usually only to my ankles with that or hit my knees with shoes, rocks, wood, or hammers. And keep hitting untill bruises come up. and then I still keep at it.

I don't really know how I am not doing these. It's consuming my thoughts a lot.

[Omers]

I am sorry that you are in so much pain and that expressing it physically is such a strong temptation right now. Are there other ways you can express what is going on?
I too am aspi so words really don't work for me. I use art to express myself (mostly photography right now) and music to soothe.
are the feelings more difficult at night or is there something else that helps keep you from this durring the day?
Is any part of the SI connected to the aspi (like a stim, sensory seeking or obsession) or are the two seperate for you?

What kinds of gemstones do you collect? I have a collection of semi precious stone spheres that I use when I am hurting. I find a lot of comfort feeling them in my hands.

Please stay strong. Is there something that you can look foreward to? Do you work with a T? Some way to stay focused on moving forward? a goal you can set with a healthy reward?

Please keep posting and know that I am here (perhaps too much some days) if you need me. You havesomeone beside you as you continue to stay healthy!

[Sannah]

Duck, do you have a therapist? Good work resisting.

[hatteras duck]

I have thought of that often - how being aspie may contribute to the desire to want to si. I think it plays a big role. I get so frustrated at the limitations with my body. The discordination, the akwardness, the hyper and hypo sensitivies to touch, fabrics, sounds, light, color. The emotional and psychological trauma of always being labeled: "weird, crazy, psycho, clutz,strange, stupid, lazy learner ..."

The so wanting to fit it, be "normal", the psysical and psychological strain of trying. And just not understanding why I can't and why it is so hard.

[hatteras duck]

Yeah, I'm working with a t. who's been great helping me with this divorce - the working with my anger toward my ex and the psychological/emotional/physical/financial/sexual abuses of this marriage. Working with me and eating disorders. Supporting 3 kids on my own with absolutley no help from him. Getting me into social services when I absolutey hate doing so.

Am I angry? yeah. very much so.

[Sannah]

I'm glad that you have a therapist. Does the anger fuel your SI urges?

[hatteras duck]

Sannah - yeah I think it does.

[hatteras duck]

I started a post earlier today and went to post it and the wifi went goofy, so I lost the post... anyway, going to try again.

Some things I do to cope:

I love walking on the beach. I live about a 10 minute to the beach and I walk and walk. Sometimes for miles. I take lots of photos of waves, sun reflecting on the water. Which I post very often to my Facebook. I just recently bought a new camera. Just a cheap digital because I have bad habits of leaving them on beach towells and a wave gets them. I can't even begin to tell you how many cameras I have lost. And this one took me 6 months of scaping together a few dollars here and there to get.

I love my gemstones. I have about 1000 kts in many different types of stones ranging from topaz, diopside, tansanite, amathyst, rubies, champagne diamonds. I took them all out of the gem trays and put them on a saucer. (to sort again) and I just love hearing them clank together and I take them out in the sun and just watch them sparkle and shimmer. Beautiful!

I also collect rocks and crystals. I am very energy sensitive and love the way they feel. I have huge quartz pieces all over - amathyst, citrine. Almost everywhere. Love them.

I enjoy going to park right near me and swinging on the swings. I do that often. And climbing monkey bars. lol. I am 47 years old and sit on top of monkey bars, hang upside down (like that too). I climb trees. Used to rock climb quite a bit before I started having kids.

And I listen to lots of music. All kinds but I do not like opera. Can't handle it. Today has been a Van Morrison day. Other days I get iinto jazz or classical, hip hop, country. It all depends. I don't watch tv unless it is a movie I have. The kids have gotten used to life without cable.

I read. A lot. I have favorites which I read over and over.

I also learn things. One of the most recent is the periodic chart. Taught myself how to read it and draw diagrams of mollecular structures. I have also taught myself to sew by hand. I would used news paper and make patterns then sew things. I have made several tops, pants and a few dresses. I collect fabrics too. If I like te print. I have maded myself a book of just fabric textures of fabrics I like. Can't deal with some fabrics. I also embroider a good bit and have a large collection of embroidery floss which I like to sort. (lol)

I have learned how to play board games because my kids enjoy them. I don't but since they do. The only game I could ever play well as a kid was chess. I got pretty good.

And I do belly dancing. The movements of the dances are usually slow enough that I can almost keep up with the vidoes. I am not good, but do enjoy it.

Basically, I just keep myself either mentally or physcially very busy.

[crossfire]

hatteras duck ,i am so proud of you for resisting si,i too am battleing with eating issues and have started back to my old friend of si and your strength to resist gives me hope,thank you

[Omers]

BTW...I am still here listening...and pondering.

[Sannah]

Duck, you do so many very interesting things!! Is working on your anger in therapy helping?

[hatteras duck]

Thanks! I guess therapy is helping. I am very angry at my ex - but I don't let it rule my life. I have my moments where I allow it to get to me.

If I have to talk to him or email him. I refuse to show any reaction to whatever he says. If I let him egg me on to the point of yelling at him - he wins. And that just can't be.

If he says things via email that are vicious. The response he gets from is NONE.

The last time I saw him, he was cussing me pretty badly. I stood there with my arms folded across my chest and said "Until you can speak to me nicely and with respect, don't bother doing so." and I turned around and walked away.

I am not going to take it.He would much rather see me react and I don't. I just flat out don't care.

But, yeah, I do express my anger with my counselor. And I walk. Or clean. Best way to get out anger is to stay busy and not dwell on it. At least for me.

[Sannah]

Wow, sounds like he is on a mission to upset you? I hope that you can find some peace. I have always said, if someone can push your buttons then discover those "buttons" and work on healing them so that they aren't vulnerable anymore.

[hatteras duck]

Last night was not good I held the brush again. But resisted. It took every ounce of energy in me not to burn. The day was no different from any other. It was pretty but rainy in the morning.

I got tired of fighting it. I found something to occupy my mind. Writing. I wrote a screen play a number of years back. Bad format, but the story was good. At least that is what I was told by the couple of production companies that read it. So, thought I would restructure it try again. I dug out the script, started writing notes and found an online free script format and started again.

I woke up this morning with my head on my keyboard - and no burns!

[Sannah]

Very, very good work!!

[hatteras duck]

Another night wth no incidence. Kept the brush on the coffe table. and moved the hammer back to the drawer!

Maybe I'm getting over these feelings! (that would be great to concure it this time)

Keeping my mind and body busy has certainly helped.

Got the first two scenes restructered and complete. Moving right along

Time to go to work!

Have a great day!

[Sannah]

Woo Hoo! You go girl!

[hatteras duck]

It's been a few days since I have been on. Still doing good, actually the urge is less. The brush is in the magazine pile under the coffe table somewhere. The kids have used it to groom stuffed animals. lol.

I have been keeping myself busy.

I think what brought this round of wanting to burn again is/was financial strain. Knowing Christmas was coming on. Not getting any help from my ex. Going to social services and getting assistance has releived a major burden. I am able to give them a christmas!

A very good friend of mine was moving and I was helping him get stuff together and cleaning up/packing. He gave my kids a drawer full of change! So far we have sorted and wrapped the silver and thats came to $120. Have wrapped about $40. in pennies so far. The kids have decided that they would like a Wii station. So, I will put in the rest and they will have one.

It's ok. Hopefully I have turned the corner on this battle of my war with the injuring me.

[Sannah]

Wow, what great news!! Keep up the good work!! And please continue to keep us posted!