emptiness/hopelessness

cut myself today. after 20 clean days. just been feeling so empty for so long. and its been growing. felt so hopeless all day. i cant get rid of the hopelessness. every time i try to picture myself in 6 months, a year, all i see is a repetition of the past few years. im sick of it all. sick of myself. i had to do it. nothing else would get rid of the emptiness. i dont know what to do, im so tired of this, its wrong i know but it seems like my only escape. and it feels like nobody listens, like theres no help and it can never be fixed. the 'help' im getting is fixated on getting me on meds when i have issues with med noncompliance. i just feel so sad and hopeless. and i know i'll have to do it again tomorrow just so i can keep the emptiness at bay. meds dont get rid of the emptiness. nothing does. i feel so so hopeless

So you aren't in therapy?

i am. hes my prescribing doctor as well.

Is therapy helpful?

idk. i really dont know. my view of whether its helpful or not depends a whole lot on how much i like the therapist, and that changes almost literally moment to moment :s

Are you able to work on your issues?

i dont know ..its been around 2 months since i started with this one, its going really really slow ..and for the past month its been trying new meds (3 days max on each one) and me making excuses for why i cant take them every time and asking for another one to replace it. i dont know whats wrong

So he wants to get you stablized on medication before he starts therapy? You don't want to take meds? So you think something is wrong?

i do..well part of me does (want to take meds)..i agree to it- and when i agree i mean it, but once they're prescribed i find fault with every single one of them and go back asking for a prescription for something else. meds dont drive the constant emptiness away. and that makes me angry. or maybe thats just another of my excuses. injectables were discussed as an option. but i know that for me its either i dont take drugs (dont use them or abuse them) or i do take drugs (which will always involve abuse)- so if im on injectables i know i'll continue to take unprescribed ones too. if im taking meds might as well take them my way. (i know how wrong that is. but its what i'll do.i know myself. its what i'll do.just like my eating patterns.either dont eat.or eat-but when i eat i lose all control)
im not sure about the getting stabilized on medication before starting therapy thing- but thats what i think.

Do you think that you need meds?

i do right now- becoz i feel so low.
as soon as they take the edge off though (within a few hours) i change my mind. and get angry at myself for having given in. so i try to go without til i feel very low again.

So they help you should take them. You don't like taking meds or you don't think that you deserve to take them?

both..i dont like them because of the loss of control, the changes in my appetite (but then my appetite changes with my mood and i have trouble managing my eating behaviour all the time anyway- so this is probably an excuse too), and the fact that they dont address the emptiness, they're just a superficial solution- but one that satisfies your doctors and so should satisfy you too- but something still doesnt feel okay deep down inside even if ur behaving more stable/less hostile/less paranoid on the outside- but just becoz ur hostility/instability has gone down nobody addresses the emptiness coz theres no real way to put into words what it feels like or what causes it

and i feel like i dont deserve to take them coz i feel guilty for getting extra 'help' ..most of the time im convinced i dont have a biological mental disorder.and so taking pills for it is like not taking responsibility for being such a ***** to everyone, its equivalent to blaming biology for being such a horrible person, when its not really biology that's to blame. its me. and so taking pills to make it easier is like cheating. its wrong and bad.

but when i feel horribly low im willing to overlook all of the above and take anything that will make it go away even a little

..also all of what i've written, the way i feel about all this stuff- keeps changing -sometimes every hour.

or maybe all of these are just excuses so that i stay stuck where i am. there are so many traps at every step i dont know whats true and whats a lie
:s

Your past has made your functioning very difficult because it interfered with correct development and your difficult functioning affects your neurotransmitters. The meds help in the short term. Therapy helps in the long term. Can you ask when you will be starting therapy?

thats a good idea..i felt uncomfortable doing it but im gonna ask now..if i dont get a response im skipping this weeks appointment he can go to hell

Continuing to talk through issues with him is better than running. I'm really glad that you are going to ask. Keep me posted?

Yeah. I have to stop running.

Thank you - for everything.

I will keep you posted. I want to.