I'm pretty sure I won't do this,don't WANT to do this because of the impact it would have on my kids.But honestly ,I keep a smile on my face all day every day and I just need to say somewhere,to whoever is out there bothering to read another moaning thread that I find life to be a ridiculous fkng joke.I want to die.I can think of a million different ways to accomplish the feat.I find myself repulsive for every major/minor deficit which stands before my face mocking me all day,every day. My life has been an absolute waste of space ,consumption of food ,air,whatever.In the end...my life has served no purpose.I'm a failure as a mother,daughter,friend,part of my community,and just,it gets so heavy on my chest to think of all I have done wrong.I intellectually am aware no one is perfect,we all fail,have defecits,yada....I preach it all day.I mean it when I'm telling it.But I can't own it. I look in the mirror...review my life,this hour,day,week,year,....and every fkng mistake I ever made ...person I hurt,moral defecit I possess....all of it is just like an audience shouting how bad I have fkd up.My mum is dead.I will never have the opportunity to relive whatever I could have done better to or for her .She fkd up I know,but she needed forgiveness more than what I delivered.My kids are grown.I can't redo their mom experience.I am a fkn nothing and a nobody.I want to shout it.I can imagine every single possible reply.From well...do something about it....to...aww everyone fkd up in life....or yeh...u did fk up and I dont like u either lol....whatever...At the end of the day ...I know...my boys were entrusted to my hands.My mum was the only mum I will ever have had.My husband...I have been married to since 1989....I didnt deserve him either.For whatever he did wrong ,he also did right.I have been different since I was as little as I can recall.I remember being four and wanting to only be near old people.I didn't 'get' children.Though I alaways wanted to be a mom and love animals lol.Between my mistakes with boys and developing feelings outside my marriage,and the fkng web of madness surrounding me,ie,husband hurting dogs,son in prison with a mental disease I can't fix with any amount of love....I could so easily end this whole thing.I must say it is terrifyingly tempting,because I can't see this transforming for all the self help I attempt,all the research I do to find wellness,stability..I cant erase the past.Can't take back one cross eyed sideways fkng glance.So far I've not been able to transform significantly.IDK.I really have to ask myself if in the end it'll do more harm to remain earthbound or to leave in a blaze of glory.I really am honestly exhausted jumping hurdles,dodging the next collision,trying to grip another hour hiding under my blanket,pissed as hell to come awake ....AGAIN.ANOTHER FKNG DAY wasteing fkn air.Sucking up peoples peace with my grief.I am sure it'll be as usual in the morning.I will shower,put my fake arse makeup,crank my music,and start scrubbing the house trying to wash my bs away.But for this one moment,this breath,the time it takes to create this thread,I am letting go...there is the thing lingering in the back of my mind,whispering in my ear...do it....c'mon do it...you know how...it won't hurt...won't last long...get it over...what are you here for treesa?You fk'd up your kids,marriage,you're a borderline 43 year old waste of fkng resources.IDk what people think in their judgement of me.Really don't give half a whip,I am a human like all of you.Just being real.This ...for me ...atm...this is real,its my reality in the moment of space I stand in.It hurts.I am tired and want to retire to nothingness.Yup I know I am not the only one.That tomorrow I'll wake up,do chores,errands,cook,smile,support,garden,exercise,make calls....but it will never,doesnt ever....go away.I am a bitter,angry broken soul,this part of me.Mad to be alive.And I firmly hope...pray,that I don't ...in a fit of passion...bring this all to a final draw.Cause I am riding a razors edge and fully tempted,very capable ,no fear of any part of death other than leaving my sons to fend for themself.Just needed to release that.Sorry if I offend.

[suzzie]

(((((((((((( wolfsong ))))))))))))

[disguise123]

maybe you can write a book. Was there anything in life you always wanted to do?? Honestly?
Your kids may be grown but they are not the only ones you could help.
There are alot of people who need help. Why not animals. Rather than take this path why dont you try to fix it? You feel worthless (its ok i understand) find something that makes you feel worthy. You feel selfish? (i understand, but its probably not true) find someone or something to give to.
Dont let go yet.
I was not joking about writing. You have a knack for it. Why not pour all this out into something that can help others?
You dislike how life is, change it, run, do what ever u want, your kids are grown, this is your time.
I understand how you feel, ive been there.
I am just trying to make u fight it a bit longer ok, because feelings come and they go, but your talking about giving up forever. Dont do it.
Sorry if this is totally unwelcome, i intend to help, sorry if i miss the mark.
Xx

[hopefully21]

(((((((((((((wolfsong))))))))))))))))

[disguise123]

oh.
Sorry
I see now u were letting it out.
Watch me eat all my useless words.... And im glad your expressing it.

Good suggestions rapid.No ones words fall on deaf ears for me.Thank You for your input.I appreciate it

[Sannah]

Wolfsong, I can't remember if you are in therapy?

[Bmee2]

Wolfsong, i understand what you wrote. I understand some of your mistakes and regrets. I even understand the desire to end it all. I just do not understand how we both can feel so vile inside and smile and support others on the outside. i doubt anyone would get why i did it if i did. i seem so happy. At least every now and then...we you and me and others can let it out....scream to the roof tops.....and never say a word at the same time.
If you do not mind, i will join you: i am a bloody hypocrite....a fake....and i am too stupid to figure out how to make this existence meaningful....but...maybe tomorrow i will get an idea....maybe. Sadly i am not a momma. But i try to be a good friend. i bet i am reviewing my life in a negative way that i need to improve upon. Well tomorrow is another day. So back to the grind stone....

Hello, wolfsong. What has helped me the most in dealing with anger, resentment and loathing is forgiveness. The hardest part of learning to forgive was accepting I am worthy of forgiveness. The process of forgiving is ongoing. Because I forgave myself does not mean I could continue doing harm to myself and others.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14...f-forgiveness/

[thine_self_untrue]

Wolf,

What to say when there is nothing to say, eh? I have few words and sentiments that might be helpful, but I do want you to know that it makes me very sad to see such a beautiful soul feel so much loathing for herself. You always have a kind word for the posters whose threads you reply to and you are witty and hilarious on chat. In what little I have been lucky enough to know you, I would notice your absense. I would miss you if you left. I cannot help but think that the people who know you even better would miss you even more.

I also berate myself for imperfection and yet no one person can carry the whole world upon their shoulders. No one is perfect. We all f*** up in countless ways. But we also do a lot of things right. More than we give ourselves credit for. I'll bet you have done a lot of things right, too. Maybe they don't seem as big or important as the wrongs, but do not believe you are worthless.

You are kind and gentle and caring. If people like that have no worth, than this world has no hope.

Suzzie,Thank you.I appreciate the gesture.

Hopefully thank you as well.

Sannah.Yes I am in therapy.But with the severity of my brain injury, the depth of my emotional damage,the state of my 'family dynamics',the borderline personality disorder,the D.D,the inability to remember to take my meds,the depth of my misinterpretation of 'people',the tragic recent events in my life,an online emotional affair that compounded all my issues when there was soooooooo much else occurring IRL,the midlife atypical crisis where one delves within to try to come to terms with their personnas 'building blocks' and how to knock some of them down,*the comment of me being a "fk'd up friend,mother,wife,who the fk needs you,why don't you kill urself,you're a waste of air(from an ex friend who was on meth and highly verbally and physically assaultive toward her husband and 4 daughters),which was her response to me saying......."don't tell me I can't help these girls get their car fixed.Just because you don't want a relationship with them doesn't exclude their need to have a functioning car to get to and from work,or a person to chat to......"when she told me that I promptly O.D'd and was on respirator /coma..I simply believed her*........There is soooo incredibly much more.Therapy is being supplemented by myself via at home reading/workbook on D.B.T,and C.B.T....but the T sessions are one month apart...and 45 min. in length...and the brain injury and time span are destructive to my progress.

[Chronic]

((((wolfsong)))) I am sorry you are in a bad place and things are getting on top of you. I hope things start to improve soon

Bmee2,
Thank you for reading.Everyone around me has received a letter they are not to open unless I were to die.Explaining the long-term damage my illness and childhood has created and how it must've magnified my personalities sensitive tendencies.They have all been thanked deeply and reminded of every kindness and told how it is my illness that is to blame.I hate to think I sparked your self-devaluation.Yes tomorrow is indeed another day.Please push on and chase any tiny helpfulness and happiness you can claim.I didn't want to post these feelings because I don't want to spark a major thought process within anyone.Please push on.

Byzantine,
As per Byzantine...and tears are rolling down my face....you speak the fewest word,and ALWAYS speak to the core of things profoundly.That is my grand fail.Forgiveness of the self.I will click that magic "Byz link" when I can breathe w/o my eyes dripping lol....(Byz's magic links.....lol)I honestly do not know,and can't fathom forgiveness of me.ANYONE else at all....and for any offense.O.K....can do.(Even if I may no longer speak with them due to fear of injury...my heart loves them)But the self....wow....I honestly can't fathom the concept.It's all too 'In my face'.{{{{I.D.K Byz if you realize how valuable you are.How deep I perceive that}}}T.Y for reply.

((((((((((Thine)))))))))Please forgive me for bringing your heart a cold shadow.Truly ...soooo not my desire.I mean that in a very deep way.It hurts me as well to think that you (who always brings to mind a gentle aura)can feel or relate to the feelings I have.The word lovely comes to mind whenever I see your pc name pop up.Thank you for your kind comments.That feels very very warm in my spirit.I....just don't understand how to change this thing with seeing me as anything outside my putrid shadows lol.Grrr.....I'm sorry...it's so in my face.I WILL get better because I CAN'T give up lest I set an example for or bring injury to my sons.So I will keep trying.That's all I suppose I can do.Sooooooo many hugs from you.Soooooo many more aimed AT you.Thanks darlin'....WO.olf

Chronic I appreciate that alot.I am climbing out .I truly am...just fell in a hole sweety.~W~

[bpd2]

(((((((((((((Wolfie))))))))))))))))

Thank you BPD2 .....I appreciate!