[Amoslass]

I have been so good this past year. I have hardly self-harmed at all. But tonight....when it is so hot, and I'm tired and upset and angry and scared and poor....I need something more than the painkillers I've just taken.

I need release. But...it's summer and I have been forced to wear less clothing and...there's nowhere unnoticable, at least to my GF. But then again she is so self-absorbed I could sacrafice a goat in the living room right now and she wouldn't notice.

I've been resorting to bruising -because my med condition means I bruise easy anyhow and I can pass that one off on something else. I want to beat myself up, cut and jab myself until I'm numb.

SO I type....cos I know if I type my hands are busy. Hopefully I can type until I pass out.

I need love right now. And there's none going.

I hate myself so much right now.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Amoslass

she is so self-absorbed I could sacrafice a goat in the living room right now and she wouldn't notice.

This ^ is funny.........

I hope you did alright last night.

So you need love and you aren't getting it from your gf?

[Amoslass]

That's the kind of sentences I come out with. I have a..twisted sense of humour - a family trait!

I get very little love right now. I know it's hot here, I know it's hard to feel romantic when your melting, but...just some attention would be nice. I get nothing. A kiss, a hug, nothing.

I didn't self harm last night, well, actually I kind of did - I took too many pills and knocked myself out with them. Part of me wanted something bad to happen - like overdose. Not to kill me, please no, but enough to rush me to hospital. In hospital you get looked after. In hospital they care for you. In hospital you get those great warm blankets and they feed you and look after you.
But nothing went wrong. I went to sleep at 5am and woke up around 2pm. No other side effects besides a bloody nose. And my balance is way off so I'm lying down.

I just want someone to look after me right now. I saw a baby on a tv show and..I wanted to be that, wrapped up and warm and safe. I don't feel safe right now.

[krisakira]

We all have an "inner child" that wants to be nurtured. I actually have DID/MPD so I really do have a child personality as one of my parts. Anyway, what I've learned to help with that nurturing-seeking part, is to be the nurturer yourself, and take care of yourself. Wrap yourself up in a blanket, even pet your hair and say everything will be ok. It sounds a little off, but it soothes my child alter when she needs it from me. We all have to learn how to take care of ourselves, because sometimes it is all we have. Best of luck.

[Amoslass]

Oh thank you....it doesn't sound too weird at all! Maybe I do need to nurture myself a little more instead of punishing it all the time.

I just wish someone else could do it for once. I've never had that. Well, not since I was little anyhow.
My first GF was an emotional wreck and she was still with her BF (he was fine with it until he realised there would be no 'action' for him in the relationship) and only ever told me she loved me when she was drunk or high. Then came 11 years of nothing. My friends aren't affectionate types. Most of my life has been hug-less, kiss-less, not even a friendly pat on the back. I need hman contact so much. So much. Thus I torture the skin that no-one has loved.

[krisakira]

I'm sorry you have not been very fortunate with loving people around you. I hope that you can find some people you can hug or even just sit next to and know that there is that connection with them. Do you have any pets? What helps me when I feel alone like there is no one to hold me (usually had those feelings a lot before meeting my boyfriend i met online and moving in with him, id crave his touch but i couldnt have it), I would cuddle up with my dog. I know she isn't a person but it was better than nothing. It sounds to me like your "love language" is "touch." Meaning that you value hugs, cuddles, even just a hand-shake, and that your physical contact with others is the way you feel the positive emotions between you and others. If that makes sense. For some people, it is giving gifts, as in when they feel they want to express their love for someone, they will give them a physical gift. Others it is "time" where they will spend time with others if they care about them. Anyway.... it is tough to have a touch love language because it is a vulnerable position to be in to let someone touch you and a lot of people are afraid of that. Well, anyway, whether or not you do get that human contact, just know you deserve it. And you never know if you will find someone in the future who you can be physical with. I hope you do, because we all deserve hugs. OK i am done rambling :P

[Amoslass]

Wow, that is an amazing answer, krisakira!

Time is also another one I would love, my GF doesn't spend much time at all with me.

I wish I didn't have the "touch" as my love language....it has bitten me back in very bad ways over the years. I've hurt and been hurt, had a certain guy in high school abuse me for a year with sexual crap...bad stuff. I was only 13. Also a lot of bad groping and awful drunken situations I hate remembering. I was a weak little kitten back in the day, very vulnerable, very suggestable.
That is why I crave good touch. I've never had it. Only weird scary situations that freak me out.

In regards to the pet thing, we do have a cat but she hates being held. She will sit on my lap sometimes but she is not the cuddles type. She also upsets me a lot...but that's a seperate issue.

[krisakira]

Physical and sexual abuse is so hard for anyone, but especially for those of us who have the touch love language. For me, it taught me that whenever I did something bad, I was supposed to feel bad physically, since my dad abused me for punishment. So whenever I felt like i had done something wrong, and my dad wasnt there, i would physically hurt myself just cause I thought i was supposed to. That that's how life is. But it is not. We all make mistakes and we do not deserve the pain we have felt emotionally or physically. It makes us question if there really is a physical sensation that IS good, or is it all just bad? But there is good out there and that is what i fight for. If i had given up back at my lowest times, I would have never met my wonderful boyfriend who cuddles with me every day.

[Amoslass]

Again, thank you for your insight, I will try, I feel that all the years I have spent protecting myself from being hurt by not letting anyone in, by putting a wall between myself and everyone else, has come to be a huge problem. Now I see that maybe people think that is who I really am, when I really am not. I have so much love to give, so much. I just need someone who will let me give that to her, and will be able to give it back to me, when I can learn that it won't hurt.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Amoslass

Again, thank you for your insight, I will try, I feel that all the years I have spent protecting myself from being hurt by not letting anyone in, by putting a wall between myself and everyone else, has come to be a huge problem. Now I see that maybe people think that is who I really am, when I really am not. I have so much love to give, so much. I just need someone who will let me give that to her, and will be able to give it back to me, when I can learn that it won't hurt.

Great insight Amo!! I'll bet that you have actually chosen people who will keep their distance because this is how you feel safe from others - by not allowing them to get close. Well, now you are suffering from that too.

You can learn how to deal with this and get yourself what you need! I can't remember if you are in therapy? Please learn how to get attention in a healthy way and not by going to the hospital because you OD'd okay?

[Amoslass]

Thankyou Sannah,

I'm scheduled to see a new counselling service on the 14th - I have moved and unfortunately I couldn't stay with my wonderful support team - one of the reasons I've been struggling.

I find it tiring having to start all over with someone new - I feel like writing a pamphlet - "So, your new client is Amos? Here are the facts", for every new doc I see!

I've also just started college as a mature age student and am going to be seeing the counselling team there too. I already know them and they're great. SHe makes me herbal tea.

I feel a little like I am starting again.....

[Sannah]

Very good!! Keep us posted?