Why do I keep cutting? :/

You have issues to deal with. Dealing with them is the only way they are going to go away. Denying that you have them will solve nothing.

Moving forward is the way to go. Your mother is an adult and she can take care of herself. It isn't your job to protect your parents. This is backwards. It is their job to protect you. (While you are still a minor that is).

yeah, i know :/ i just feel too guilty that she knows as much as she already does, the cahms people my doctor got in touch with just rang. i have to go see a doctor and a psychiatric nurse (is it normal to see them both at once?) next thursday. i guess if im totally open to them then things can start to change. its just my dad thinks its an attention thing because he's really skeptical about stuff like this, he doesnt think i have enough reason to feel how i do. but i think next thursday i'll just tell them everything.

Telling them everything sounds like a very good idea! I'm so glad that you are getting all of this help.

Your dad doesn't think you have enough reason to feel the way you do? Wow! that's a bold statement!

yup. he'd just picked me up from an appointment with my doctor (when i'd just told her everything, but of course he did not know this) and the first thing he says to me is "so, did she make you see sense then? did she make you realise that your life is actually good and that you have no reason to feel like this?" i was planning on opening up to him but after he said that i felt like he'd knocked me down and didnt want to anymore. so i just shrugged my shoulders and said "i dont want to feel like this dad, i cant control it, i wish i didnt" and he just said "i understand sometimes life can seem a bit rubbish, but you've just got to get on with life like everyone else does, rather than all of this" which made me feel awful. i mean i dont want to feel how i do, and i didnt make a deal about it, the only way anyone found out was when i OD'd, i didnt want anyone to know because i felt stupid. then i finally consider letting people help me this time before it gets as bad as it did before he says that. so i didnt want to open up to him after that. he says he tries to understand, and i know he wants me to think he's making an effort to and to be there, but i know he does that reluctantly and things im just being attention seeking or something. then theres mum whos the total opposite, she tries too hard to be there and to understand that its suffocating. so yeah :L
i think maybe dad thinks its his fault, because when i was younger i was genuinly afraid of him like when he got angry, he'd have me up against the wall or smash things at my feet and go as if he would punch me and then stop. i've learnt that as long as i dont get him angry and wind him up then its fine. but i think he knows maybe thats part of where it started. the thing is, i love him, he's amazing. i dont want to sound bad to him, he's lovely, he's not been like that in a year. i just think thats part of it. but he's not like that anymore.
ah i dont know. i'm confused. i love my parents but i dont want to have to deal with critisism and then suffocating caring. :/

I don't blame you. This would be hard. I'm sorry that your dad said those things to you. You are doing the right thing, though, by seeking help and working with them.

I agree with you. Your dad's behavior had to affect you. A smothering mother would affect you to. You will be able to sort through all of this and figure out what is going on with you by seeking help and working with them.

Does this make you tip toe around him?

yeah, thankyou so much for listening to me, i hope that things can start to get better now ive asked for the help. did you say wether it was normal to see thte doctor person and the psychiatric nurse together at the same time when its the first time i go? thanks again.

You are so welcome Jess! You deserve people listening to you. I don't see why you couldn't see both and think it is a good idea. You are in the UK? I'm in the USA so the system is a bit different.

urm, in a way maybe. when he seems stressed i have to be overly helpful and try and make him happy so there arent arguments. and when he wants to complain about it i just say yes i know im sorry yes im sorry.... be really ott. he just gets angry or stressed over tiny things. its much much better though.

This probably also contributes to your issues. When one person's needs in the house supercede everyone elses it causes problems. What you are learning is that you have to sacrifice your needs for him. What you are doing, however, is keeping you safe, which is a very wise thing to do. It sounds pretty stressful, though.

It can be. Most of the time it's not too much of a problem and he's lovely and amazing. It's just I wind him up easily and he works so hard and that stresses him. :/ it's a LOT less now, before it was most of the time. Now I now not to fight or argue (which I never used to If I thought I was right I would be so stubborn) and he's fine. I guess in a way I hate that sometimes he feels like he needs to tiptoe around me now and I don't want it to be that way. He's fine now, it was just in the past and I think the way I used to hate him so much, and the way he's so skeptical, makes it hard now for me to open up when I feel bad. I guess we've only had a good relationship for like half a year so it takes time. Thankyou!

So glad that it is better! Good luck with your appt. and please continue to keep me posted on how you are doing.

Will do, and Thank-you so much