Tired of Harming (new to site)

*********possible trigger**********

i dont want to trigger anyone i swear i really dont but im about to explode. im new to this site well i joined in january but couldnt post until a few days ago. i have been self harming for at least 15 years and its like a vicious cycle i cant break. i can go months even made it a year once without having to use it as a coping mechanism but those times have become fewer and farther in between.

i have multiple diagnosis and it gets complicated for me to keep it together. i am a sex abuse survivor from age 4 (that i can remember) until i was able to leave home at 18. i came from a super religious family and my abuser father was a youth minister. he did do prison time for what he did to myself and my cousin but was welcomed back into the church after he got out of prison he is a registered sex offender and noone seems to care.

my diagnosis are Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, Bulimia, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and Dissociative Identity Disorder

i wanted to sortof introduce myself well say something about myself before i just dumped a crisis mode on this group. ive been on a Self Injury binge as i call it for almost 3 days now. i will cut just for the sake of cutting it seems. i dont like to express emotions it was practically forbidden growing up and tears were only shed when you were begging for forgiveness for your sins. i dont think i know how to properly express any type of emotion even happiness. im trying hard to stop harming altogether but it seems just getting through one day is a major struggle.

i just want to stop it. its to the point i cut words in my skin because i hate myself so much. i know that what im doing is taboo and very much misunderstood. i have scars all over from upper arms to ankles and pretty much everywhere in between. i am ashamed of it but also feel powerless to stop. i am in therapy and he is really awesome he has been working so hard with me and the parts i hold inside but yet the self harm seems to be my only outlet for emotions.

all i want is one day that it doesnt cross my mind much less give in to the urge and do it. to me i feel it has become a habit like drugs and because ive been doing it so long when i do try to contain the urge its like going through withdrawels. i do have therapy tomorrow and would like to not be wearing bandaids from fresh marks when i walk in there in the morning but from the way its looking now even trying to post here get it out the urge has not lifted and im afraid before i see him tomorrow i will cut again god i feel so pathetic

You seem to describe me in some ways. . . .
I suffer from almost exactly the same problems as you. . . .
Dissociative identity disorder may be a part of it too. . . .
Although im not at all really sure. . . .
I do things and say things which i sometimes forget. . . .
And when someone reminds me of it im stunned. . . .
Also it feels i've run out of emotions and shed tears only when i beg for all of my crisis to end. . . .

I totally understand what you must be going through. . . .
But cutting is a sort of a temporary relief that will get u nowhere. . . .
I'm so happy to hear u r in therapy. . . .
And i'm sure pretty soon you will stop cutting permanently. . . .
Whenever you feel such an urge is arising you can write posts here or enter chat which you will be allowed to enter after you write five posts minimum. . . .
Also why don't u do things that u love to do for example read books or listen to your favorite songs. . . . or a walk in the park . . . .
Wishing you good health and pray may things get better for you. . . .
Hugs if you need. . . .

((((((nice girl))))) i really appreciate the post and support. i do try doing things i enjoy but to be honest it doesnt help much the noise/static/voices inside my head demand for the harm and even at times going outside is hard because im a lil agoraphobic. i cant read because holding a train of thought for more than a page or 2 becomes a chore ugh im just gonna have to figure out something to do even the rubberband thing on the arm popping it didnt work im going to talk to my therapist today and see if he has anymore ideas about ways to substitute

im sorry to hear that you are dealing with issues also - i know how hard it is for me and i wouldnt wish this on anyone thank u again for sharing with me i dont feel quite so alone in this now and for that i am greatful

Hi Vickie, welcome to PC. I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. I'm so happy, however, that you do have a therapist. I would think that working on expressing your feelings would be a way out of the SI habit. I hope that you are working on this with your therapist. I'll bet that you picked up all sorts of messages while growing up about why you can't and shouldn't express your feelings.

I'm here to support you on your journey...........

((((((sannah))))))) thank u so much yes he has been trying to work with me on opening up and letting emotions and feelings out. he said its like im having to be re-programmed into a different way of processing and thinking. im going to talk to him some more today he has been wanting to do a few different techniques with me but ive been reluctant well really scared of what he is going to tap into when he does get into my emotions. will let you all know how it goes today. thank u again for the support its helping and means alot to this ol bama gurl

Sounds like you have a great therapist! I can understand why you would be afraid of what you have stashed away emotionally, but it sounds like you are in good hands with a good therapist and it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you have us!

Support is really important. Do you have other support too?

I lived in Montgomery Alabama for a few years in the late 1970's when I was a young teenager.

no i dont have any other support i can count on one hand how many friends i actually have and my family does not stand behind me in any way unless its to push me down even farther. they are stuck in this super strict religion that shuns people like me and my mental health challenges are considered demons that need to be cast out of my body. this is the first time ive ventured out online into any type of support groups. it was a couple months after joining PC that i even was able to post.

i live about 45 mins from montgomery all my health docs are there except for heart doc and therapist. my therapist is awesome. he calls a couple times a week to check on me and he has me email him as much or little as i need to. if i journal or write a poem he has me send it to him - he said it helps him understand whats going on with me better and what i cant tell him my poetry speaks for me.

the only outlet i have really to express how i feel is through my poetry. ive been writing since i was a teenager but would have to hide it cuz my parents would find it do horrible things to me and destroy what i wrote so noone would see it

thank u again for the kind "ear" im starting to feel more like i might belong here and its ok to be who i am

Of course you belong here and you are okay just the way you are!

hehe thanks im getting ready to go to see my therapist now quick question do u think i should tell him about this site? would it be beneficial for him to know

Why not?

i dont know im so new to this online thing and not sure how therapists take to their patients doing things outside their office they havent approved beforehand. i guess im still trying to not make anyone mad or disappointed or upset with me. i dont like knowing ive hurt someone or disappointed them. im always scared i will be left

i will put on a brave face and tell him - thanks again

Good awareness!

A therapist isn't a parent. You are empowered and in control of your life.

You are welcome! Have a good appt.! Talk to you later..........