[Estee1]

I did something last night that was not me at all. I don't know why I did it. Actually maybe I do know why but I'm too ashamed to tell anyone. Am I going nuts? Why am I wanting to harm myself? I used to be so together and would never allow such thoughts into my head. I felt like a real freak. I feel guilty about what I did now but at the time I didn't care.

[shadowdancer]

(((((((((((estee1))))))))))

all i can tell you is that you're not alone and you're not a freak. i wish i could help more but all i can offer is that if you ever want to talk about it, i'm here, feel free to PM me.


shadow

[tamzinrose]

You're not going nuts and you're not a freak. *Hug* I don't like seeing new people here, but you've come to the right place...

no, you're not the only one. I was surprised when I did something similar to what you seem to be describing. It's a scary kind of feeling. I managed to tell my counsellor and she urged me to tell my GP. That helped - I have a very supportive GP. He gave me some meds to help me get through the bad times. Is there someone you could tell?
Caroline

[Ryan]

*safe hugs if wanted*

estee, you're far from a freak and you're not nuts either... well, maybe a cashew, but that's about it j/k. People do this for different reasons so it's hard to say. If you need to talk, you can PM me. Take care.

Ry

[Estee1]

I seriously don't know what came over me that night. I was not myself. Maybe I just felt really hopeless. I haven't told anyone about it yet. I suppose I'm afraid of what they would think. As you would expect. I felt like a loony that night. was not a nice place to be.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((estee)))))))))))))))))) i understand being in a bad place and wondering about it later. i hope you're doing well now?

[Estee1]

One day life is completely unbearable for me and the next day I feel bad for complaining about life being so unbearable. It's so up and down. Today I feel a bit better but who knows what tommorrow will be like, or even what the next hour will be like. I've had enough of this pain.
Rrrrr

[Ryan]

I know how that goes... the ups and downs. One minute you're so far down that you can't see the light and the next you're wondering what you were so worked up over. Do you have t any time soon? This might be something he/she could offer some good advise for.

Ry

[Estee1]

Yes ryan I see the t this week but I'm terrified of talking about what's been ging on. I have a list written down about how I've been and hopefully I will get the guts to show the t. I get so scared. Frozen.

[Estee1]

Oh no. I did it again. What was I thinking. I was really depressed and worried. I just can't believe that I did it again. In my mind I say how stupid it is, but I still did it. The t asked to see my arms last time I went there because I told the t that I pick alot. Then I remembered how I had cut my arm and so I didn't pull my sleeve up very far. I didn't want the t to see the mark. I haven't told her yet because I feel so stupid and ashamed. I feel like she will think I'm just some attention seeking freak. But I think things must be getting alot worse if I'm starting to do this and I worry how much more damage I might do. I am a very sensible person usually and I would never think of doing such things. Does anyone know what I mean? I worry that I'm losing my mind.

[Rapunzel]

Estee, there is a reason why you are doing this. You aren't losing your mind - you just haven't learned better ways to cope. That's what T is there for, to help you learn how to cope. Obviously you're not attention-seeking either, since you don't even want her to find out about the cutting. Maybe there are some people who assume it's for attention. I remember having to figure out that I must not be doing it for attention, since I was keeping it a secret, before I was ready to tell a t about it. There's a little voice though that tries to tell you lies about yourself. It's hard to counter that voice, because we're not used to speaking up for ourselves, even to ourselves, but maybe you could answer back and say good things, the truth, about yourself in response.

[Estee1]

That makes me feel a bit better. Thanks. Maybe I'll just have to grit my teeth and tell the t next time I'm there. It's not going to be easy. I'm so worried about what the t will think. aaaaah.

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((estee1)))))))) You are not losing your mind. I agree it is not a good coping skill but that is what your therapist is there for; to help you find better skills to utilize. So many people misunderstand this behavior that it is hard not to feel ashamed but please try and not to. You are not attention seeking but hurting and crying out for help. Please let your therapist do this for you.

[Estee1]

Yes I definately am wanting help. I'll try to tell the t. I'm going there in a couple of days. I just don't know how to say it or bring the subject up. Any suggestions?

[tamzinrose]

Uh...try to casually show your SI if you can't bring yourself to say it?

[Rapunzel]

Or you can write it in a note. That has worked for me when I needed to bring something up but I couldn't just come out and say it. Another idea is to tell the t that there is something you need to talk about but it's hard to say, and t will give you support with getting it out there.

[Estee1]

Sounds scary. Aaaah. I keep telling myself 'maybe she doesn't need to know.' I'm looking for any way out of it. Makes me feel sick just thinking about it.

[Rapunzel]

My experience is that anything that I don't want to tell T about tends to be exactly what I need to tell T about. Even if it's scary. That's how you get better though, and it feels better after you tell.

[Estee1]

I didn't tell the t. I couldn't. just couldn't. I was so nervous when I went there because of other stuff that had been going on the day before. I did see her looking at my arm though. Hope I can gets the guts to tell her next time. I am so scared of everything lately. especially asking people things or telling them things.

[Rapunzel]

It's okay. Maybe another time you will be able to tell her. It sounds like maybe she knows about it or at least suspects, but won't push the issue until you are ready. So, that means that she already accepts you and is willing to keep working with you.

Tell me, what are you afraid would happen if you told her?

[Estee1]

Probably that she would think I'm just attention seeker or something. I really don't know. Maybe I'm afraid of her asking why I did it. Yes that would be hard to talk about.

[Rapunzel]

Yes, you are probably onto something about talking about why. Do you know why? And it is true that she will want you to look at that. That is what it takes to heal, and healing isn't easy. But you also can let her know if she starts taking it too fast for you and you need to slow down and rest before getting deeper into the hard stuff. I believe in you.

Love,
Rap

[bipolar_bear]

Healing is a hard process. Maybe you could try and figure out why you are doing this. Yes, I think that is one of the things she will want to talk to you about. There are things that you are trying to cope with that are causing you to exhibit this behavior. She can help you with these issues and help you find more positive coping skills.

When you are ready you will bring up this subject with her. Please be patient with yourself as it is a hard subject to talk about. Remember you deserve to feel safe. If you can try and let her in to help you. That is what she is there for.

[Estee1]

Honestly.....I think I did it because I wanted someone to help me. But the next time I don't know why. I just felt so miserable and upset that I did it. I have sometimes not been very good to myself because I have felt like no one will help me. I have felt like no one cares about how much pain I'm in. But I know that I need to tell people because they can't exactly read my mind and sometimes I act like everything is fine because I think that people won't want to hear. Some people think that mental illness is something that we can just snap out of. Don't know if this makes any sense.