negative thoughts

i'm having some really bad thoughts tonight. Just wanted to post them and get them out of my system... can I do that here? It might sound really bad, but it would just be getting them out of my head and into the universe.... letme know.. K?

i stink... i stink really bad. I am invisible and unvaluable and not even worth anyone's time. I am weak, unrespected, dirty, ruined and ugly. I am a wimp, vulnerable, easy victim, over-reactor, dull and retarded.

furthermore.... i am fat and unattractive... Any man in his right mind wouldn't want me. I think they call people like me faghags. I am a faghag. I thought the gay men were safe and were my friends... but they are just used me last night like other men have used me. I am hated and despised... I am 41 and no one wants me. I am ugly and retarded.

{{{{{{Willow}}}}}...I hope gettin gthem "out"helped...and I knwo trying to tell you those things arent true doesnt help much either when you feel them...but for the record(and my point of view) Ive seen you...(I hope Sept is watching these next statements...)
I think you're beautiful....
I don't think you're a faghag(whatever that is)
I think you're kind and caring
I think you're "worth it"

Just "My" thoughts...
Jennifer (Always seeking Serenity)

((((ozzie)))) ((((serenity))))) Thanks

ozzie... i'd love to have you as my friend. I feel honored.
Serenity... thanks for the affirmations. This morning I am in a place that I can accept them better. I finally had to knock myself out with a couple of drinks last night and go to bed early. not the best coping mechanism, but better than the other alternatives I had in mind to relieve pressure. Venting the negative did help temporarily. I think it was better than bashing my head... still... it's along the same line of coping as bashing my head would have been. I don't have to walk around with a bruise on my forehead at least.

They call undattractive and desperate women who hang around with gay men, faghags. It is becoming apparent that if I hang around in my friend Mark's world, I will be labeled a faghag. It's an attrocious label. I just learned of it myself and was appalled. Then I realized I fit the mold and do not want to wear that label. I hang around a lot of gay men.... not because I am hopeful to get them for marriage, but because I just seem to have a pattern of being best friends with people in the gay community. I have no idea how it happens. I have a theory though. All the men I pick are safe and unavailable. If they are available to me, I am frightened.

OK... so much for that topic.
Thanks for the affirmations. *HUGS*

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Willow}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I think it is important to get those negative thoughts out of you head and onto the paper. That way you can attack them, burn them, delete them and finally replace them with good thoughts. The sweet thoughts you deserve. As for it being another headbashing, I don't believe this is true. You were expressing your feelings. Getting them out AND you put them here were anyone could use them as a way to hurt you. That takes guts. I know we are a safe group of people who would never purposefully hurt one another but there is always that danger and you had the courage to put it out there on the table for us all to see. AND you kept from hurting yourself for a little while. You did good. Another Big Hug {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{willow}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} As for my feelings about those words, I don't think you need to take on any of those lables. You are not a Faghag because that is a derogatory word indicating that being gay is bad so being a friend to gay men is bad. I don't believe either of these things so in my world there is no way you could be a faghag. As for the things about your looks. I got to know your one eye which was beautiful then you graced us with your whole face which matched the eye very nicely. I wish you would put your picture back on below your name again.
Now take care,
Love,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

{{{{{{{{{{{Willow}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I have been thinking about you all weekend and hoping you are doing better today. I have never heard of that word faghags and I think it is awful that such a word even exists. It boggles my mind who and how these things are even made up. Please never think of yourself that way. You are a wonderful and caring person inside and out. Please look in the mirror and repeat that to yourself each and everyday.

Keep smiling hun and being as strong as you have been. I am very proud of you for how you are overcoming all of what is happening with you. Be proud of you too


Heather

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."
~~author unknown

((((HUGS)))) Heather and Zen.
I am getting up on my feet today. Went to work. Talked things through more with my best friend. He told me that the other guy caused a lot of other problems that night. he's not going to associate with that man anymore. I feel so fortunate to have you all here and to have my friend who is standing up for what is right. I had a horrible weekend, but my week will be better.

I told my best friend I wouldn't be using that word anymore. It's caused me grief ever since I learned it is used in the gay community to describe women like me who hang out with gay men a lot. I think i'm not "that word" and would rather not have ever learned the word. before I knew that word I was just dear friends with them... then I learned that word and it made me worry about that and made me feel cheap. Zen... you are right... it's a horribly derisive word. I won't use it anymore.

Yeah, please don't Willow ... I couldn't agree more about that word

****Hugs****

((((Fuzzy)))))
thanks

Zen... thanks so much for liking my eye and my face. (HUGS)

I liked your eye and face too Willow. I like you period. Youre a great gal.
I am glad you are feeling a little better and so proud of you for reaching out for help instead of hurting yourself.
You are a dear friend to us here and also to the people in your every day. Your a great gal, don't you forget that.
Heidu

There is a time in life when you stop existing and start living.
There is a time in life when you are given a new chance and new dreams.
There is a time in life when the old is to be forgotten and the new embraced.

There is a time in life......And that time is now.
Unknown

Willow,

I saw the picture of your eye way back when I was new on this site and you were off hiding in your cave, and I thought that's a really beautiful person. Honest, I did. You are beautiful. You would have to be, right, aren't you my long-lost twin sister I never knew I had?

I'm glad you're here, and glad that you are going to have a good week.
Wendy

<font color=green>"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." -Jane Rubietta</font color=green>

Thanks Heidu and Wendy.... I don't know what to say. I've been overwhelmed with so much nice feedback. I'm doing a lot better today. How do you like my new self portrait? Yes... it's really my xray!

Thats wild Willow!!!!! Of course I have to say you are much prettier with skin and hair :O)

Here's my foot. You can see my bone spur on my heal :O)
Heidu


There is a time in life when you stop existing and start living.
There is a time in life when you are given a new chance and new dreams.
There is a time in life when the old is to be forgotten and the new embraced.

There is a time in life......And that time is now.
Unknown

haha Heidu... you keep your xrays too!!!

Heidu,
Did you feel me tickling your foot. Tee hee.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson