[Lexicon78]

Well, my weekend has sucked so bad. My bf has been giving me the silent treatment again. I just don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I can't seem to do or say anything right. In the past 2 days I've cut 15 times. And it doesn't seem to be enough. I'm really slipping.

Anymore, it doesn't seem to matter how little of an urge I have, I just cut and don't think about it. I usually just cut on my wrists 3 times. But I'm cutting 15 times now! Just like I used to when I was 13! I'm not caring that I'm cutting. I'm not caring what my arms look like. Things aren't really as bad as they could be but the cutting is so much worse. First it was isolating all the time, and now the cutting. I haven't told anyone about this but you guys. You're the only ones I can turn to. I really haven't been out of the house in almost 2 weeks either. Sure I've gone shopping and done laundry, but otherwise I haven't been out. I've cancelled all my counseling appointments and doctors appointments just so I don't have to go out. It's not that I'm afraid of anything...just isolating.

The first night I cut, Thursday I think, I cut 9 times in the bathroom. Last night I cut while laying in bed while my bf was sleeping. I doubt he was sleeping...just laying there acting like he was sleeping because he was mad at me for something I did, even though I have no idea what it was. I cut 5 times last night.

It's crazy but I don't even know why I'm cutting anymore. Usually something triggers me and I have a big reaction to it. But that's not the case now. I'm not having big reactions...just cutting a lot. And I have no will or desire to stop.

[backandforth]

hun, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. and that you're cutting so much and it's not getting better. I know what that feels like. I used to cut a whole lot more in h/s as well and recently I started going back to some of those things.... and I don't even know why. but I know it sucks. I don't know a lot about your b/f but it sounds like there's a lot of conflict....and that he's not very supportive. is that right? does talking to him help at all??? he's sure not helping you by being mad at you for no reason.... I know it's hard to get yourself out of your house but maybe therapy and just getting out of your house would help a bit? even just therapy. not the "chores" or "social obligations", hell, that's the last thing you feel like doing, I know... but I dont' think staying at your place much longer in that env. w/ all the negative thoughts is going to make anythign better.....
glad you can come here though and have all this great support. wish I had more answers.....

[nightowl2]

I am so sorry you are having a tough weekend. Your boyfriend does not sound like much of a friend. I think you should try to make contact with your counsler, even though it is hard to talk sometimes, maybe he (or she) can help you understand why you have increased your cutting.Maybe it is the pressure of the holiday season? (((((((Lexicon)))))

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((Lexicon)))))))))))))) I am so sorry you feel you have to resort to cutting right now. It sounds like things are overwhelming you and you are having such a difficult time coping. I wish you would reconsider seeing your counselor when you so need them. Maybe even a phone conference would help if you feel you can not leave home.

Maybe you could look at your relationship with your b/f and decide how good it is for you. It appears that he is sometimes indifferent to your feelings. Maybe I am wrong and hopefully I am.

Maybe you can try some of the tactics you have so generously given to other people on the forum instead of cutting. I know sometimes it seems that it is your only outlet and that the other options are not as attractive nor seem as effective.

Please try and be safe and feel free to contact me at any time.

[(JD)]

(((hugs))) Lexi. I think part of you really wants to stop cutting..thus the post? Try and find something to do instead of harming yourself... loneliness is tough at those times.. sending warm wishes and energy to you.. you can do this...

[sara1010]

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Lexicon78 said:
My bf has been giving me the silent treatment again. I just don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I can't seem to do or say anything right.

Last night I cut while laying in bed while my bf was sleeping. I doubt he was sleeping...just laying there acting like he was sleeping because he was mad at me for something I did, even though I have no idea what it was.

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Holy Crap!!!

Have you been with this guy for long? Does he do this silent treatment often? Do you know what this is called? It is EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL and is what the Passive/Aggressive person does to control, control, control. Was there something he asked for recently of you, information, an item, etc., that you either said no to or wouldn't give him, or have you tried to take a next step which would take you out of his sphere of control? Think on it, replay the point in time that you first detected his silent treatment, something set him on this path to make you buckle under the pressure. This is why you're doing this to yourself.

One other aspect here, when you find the spot when he did this, (the info gathering or request) keep in mind that he's using this controlling silent treatment because he is afraid . All the things you think of yourself, he also beleives of himself. The difference is that he uses emotional blackmail (silent treatment) to punish you and feel more in control, while you try to control your environment by cutting yourself.

If you can do an internet search on Emotional Blackmail and see your BF there, think about who in your life before him did the same things to you.