[Abby]

A few months ago I made a decision to stop cutting. I knew I'd never be able to stop straight away so I have cut occasionally but a lot lot less. There are times where I normally would have cut but didn't which is great.

But I'm finding I'm vomiting a lot recently. I have spoken to my therapist about it and she's said it is quite a strong reaction to the feelings I am having but never implied it was anything to worry about. I'm pretty sure it is due to anxiety and stress as I have intense nausea and tiredness for a few hours before being sick (and sometimes after). Plus it is sporadic, not like a bug or food poisoning.

Like my therapist I'm not too concerned about sporadic vomiting either but the problem is that I feel I'm latching onto the better feelings I have after vomiting. E.g. today I had a okay day at work but I know somewhere I am really unhappy (although I can't seem to express it with tears or whatever), so I got home and was sick. I'm not sure if I made myself sick because there certainly was no logical thoughts or decisions, but (if it is possible?) I was on autopilot and afterwards I have to admit I felt better.

I can't really tell my therapist about today and being sick because I'm afraid she may think I'm over-reacting, perhaps all this will come to nothing....I just don't want to get into any bad habits.

[Sannah]

Do you think that your feelings are making you sick?

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Abby

I have spoken to my therapist about it and she's said it is quite a strong reaction to the feelings I am having but never implied it was anything to worry about. I'm pretty sure it is due to anxiety and stress as I have intense nausea and tiredness for a few hours before being sick (and sometimes after). Plus it is sporadic, not like a bug or food poisoning.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Do you think that your feelings are making you sick?

Yes, unless there is something physical that cause these symptoms.

[Sannah]

I would think that the only thing to do is to keep working on your feelings then.

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I would think that the only thing to do is to keep working on your feelings then.

I would like to think that I am trying. Thank you for caring.

[Abby]

Like watching a slow motion train wreck, as my logical mind predicted, I've become slightly 'addicted' to vomiting just for the sake of it. I'm being very honest with both my therapist and doctor but neither seem to have any advice on how to stop myself. When I'm self berating I believe I should be stronger and stop myself and not rely on other people because obviously somewhere along the line I am 'choosing' to do this, ...but it is really difficult when I feel that overwhelming need to 'get it out'....especially as my main goal is not to cut myself and therefore vomiting seems like a very 'non-harming' way of hurting myself. It's warped thinking, but identifying that doesn't seem to help. I feel as though I'm in a bit of a dead end at the moment...I can't cut myself because of many many reasons I won't go into on this post, but I've just changed tactics. I'm working hard in therapy....I don't know maybe I'm just extremely weak.....I'm not worried about the vomiting exactly (at least not enough to stop) but I hate being stuck in this never-ending cycle. I feel I'm fighting myself and a lot of myself wants me to lose.

[Wysteria]

Originally Posted by Abby

Like watching a slow motion train wreck, as my logical mind predicted, I've become slightly 'addicted' to vomiting just for the sake of it. I'm being very honest with both my therapist and doctor but neither seem to have any advice on how to stop myself. When I'm self berating I believe I should be stronger and stop myself and not rely on other people because obviously somewhere along the line I am 'choosing' to do this, ...but it is really difficult when I feel that overwhelming need to 'get it out'....especially as my main goal is not to cut myself and therefore vomiting seems like a very 'non-harming' way of hurting myself. It's warped thinking, but identifying that doesn't seem to help. I feel as though I'm in a bit of a dead end at the moment...I can't cut myself because of many many reasons I won't go into on this post, but I've just changed tactics. I'm working hard in therapy....I don't know maybe I'm just extremely weak.....I'm not worried about the vomiting exactly (at least not enough to stop) but I hate being stuck in this never-ending cycle. I feel I'm fighting myself and a lot of myself wants me to lose.

Hi Abby...
When you are vomiting, are you overeating at all before hand. Or are you just vomiting the bile from the nerves that is in your stomach? Do you have excess bile in your stomach from anxiety and nervousness? Are you nausaus from the nerves and anxiety of the overwhelming emotions or are you purging your "feelings" in a symbolic way? Are you purging food in an attempt to control your body or your weight? Are people commenting on the fact that you are losing weight? Does it make you feel better about yourself if they do? Does it create the urge to lose more/do it more to feel more in control and more able to make that happen?

I'm just hoping to better understand and hopefully help you make sure you are not substituting one addiction for another... In the end, both "tactics" are you trying to "control" your emotions or slow them or stop them temporarily and "feel" something else..something very physical and tactile and real and immediate...instead of the overwhelming rush or flood of emotions that take their toll on the very sensitive and gentle-hearted like yourself...

Unfortunately, they ARE both addictions and not just tactics or ways to cope or deal with it...I'm a little scared for you too... If your pdoc and T are not listening to you and hearing you...I think you need to SCREAM it in their face or in an email and make them stop and listen and respond appropriately...

With only healing and hope in mind..I hope you know I'm listening and that I care. I'm sorry if the questions seem a bit blunt...but I think it may be obvious that I'm right there...and don't want you to choose the paths that I did. You have a beautiful persona and many gifts...please don't waste them...You are so much wiser than I. So much more courageous to be reaching out and recognizing that there may be a problem. I have faith in you...

Huggles,

Wysteria Blue

[Abby]

The vomiting is not linked at all to food or weight. I've fortunately never had an issue with either of those. When this all first started I would feel very nauseous from anxiety and I'd feel sick so would be. But now I think it is more symbolic than anything else. Being sick is quite violent and I think I have latched on to that because it is very physical and immediate, and actually totally different from cutting.
I do think my dr and therapist are listening but I feel I've been a bit left to carry on as I am whilst I try and get better overall. It can feel so isolating behaving like this and not having anyone to really share it with. I tried to tell my therapist from the start what was happening and how I knew I'd likely get stuck in a pattern but I feel it was passed over and now I'm stuck and hardly feel it's worth mentioning again since she never asks.
Thank you for caring.

[Wysteria]

Originally Posted by Abby

The vomiting is not linked at all to food or weight. I've fortunately never had an issue with either of those. When this all first started I would feel very nauseous from anxiety and I'd feel sick so would be. But now I think it is more symbolic than anything else. Being sick is quite violent and I think I have latched on to that because it is very physical and immediate, and actually totally different from cutting.
I do think my dr and therapist are listening but I feel I've been a bit left to carry on as I am whilst I try and get better overall. It can feel so isolating behaving like this and not having anyone to really share it with. I tried to tell my therapist from the start what was happening and how I knew I'd likely get stuck in a pattern but I feel it was passed over and now I'm stuck and hardly feel it's worth mentioning again since she never asks.
Thank you for caring.

Hi Abby,

Yes, I do care and am so glad to hear that you are comfortable that you are not slipping into an ED, but it is still a form of SI, so do be careful. I do indeed think it is definitely worth mentioning and it doesn't really matter if she never asks..it may not be on her radar...so put it on her radar.

You may have to still be patient, but it can be also dealt with directly and not just indirectly. You are very wise and know yourself and could see this coming. Don't just let it happen or continue to happen. You are definitely worth it and deserve every happiness.

Safe hugs and hopes for some real healing soon for you...

Wysteria Blue

[zbmom]

The easiest way to stop an addiction is to replace it with another one. When I stopped cutting before my recent relapse I replaced it with eating. Instead of feeling like you're not doing something right, try to channel that need somewhere positive. You need to find a healthy release for your emotions. For some people that is exercise or a sport, for others it's writing or painting, for others it's just talking out loud or validating themselves. Some people do well in support groups and other do well on their own. I'm still working on finding my replacement but I just wanted to let you know, you're not alone in replacing SI with something else.

[Sannah]

Yeah, until you fix the underlying problem which is being able to deal with your feelings and finding and fixing the dysfunctional thoughts and beliefs and environments that torment you emotionally, you will probably need an addiction to cope.

[Abby]

Thanks zbmom, it is good to know that i'm not alone in doing this. I'm working on finding a healthy good enough replacement. It can't come fast enough!

Thanks Sannah, i'm working hard on dealing with my feelings in a healthy way. Seems to be a rather long journey! Sometimes I get so fed up with myself.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

Sometimes I get so fed up with myself.

And having this attitude with yourself causes problems too. Having compassion for yourself works much better!

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Sannah

And having this attitude with yourself causes problems too. Having compassion for yourself works much better!

Thank you for this. Sometimes, it seems, the obvious needs to be pointed out to me before I can see it....I didn't even see that remark as counter-productive! Compassion is a huge issue for me.....and I will say i'm working on it because I still cannot seperate myself from others. But at least I can now say that, which (as you know) I wouldn't before (although I will not permit myself to say more than that!...and it scares myself to even be saying this still. if that makes sense!!) Sannah.

[Sannah]