trigger-self harm and thoughts of suicide-trigger

Thoughts of self harm r really strong right now. I haven't had thoughts of suicide in a very long time which worries me. I am still camping with just my mom, dad, and niece as of now. The whole weekend was very exhausting and paranoia and scary for me for some reason. I don't like how I feel but that's how I feel. I want to take extra pills and cut my wrists but I am trying hard not too but it is hard.

hang in there xxxxx

Thanks but I don't know how much more I can handle

You have no idea why this is so stressful for you? Do your parents stress you out? If so, do you understand why? Why does it worry you that you aren't suicidal? Doesn't your trip end today?

I am suicidal and yes my trip does end today. I don't know why I am so stressed out. I just want to take extra rx pills. Worried pdoc will want me to go into hospital. Scared but want to do something..

I think that it is really important to talk to a someone about your reaction to this trip. Do you have a therapist? I'm glad this is the last day of this trip. I misunderstood about if you felt suicidal or not. Makes it more important to talk to a mental health professional. Why is it bad to go to the hospital?

I have a therapist and a pdoc. I will talk to her soon.

Very good! Please keep us posted?

I talked my pdoc and she is seeing me tonight and told me to take an extra 100mg of seroquel so hopefully that will help the urges.

Good work Teresa! This is good self care. Will you talk to her about how you were feeling during the trip?

Yes I will tell her everything as I have been texting her while on vacation at times. I really want to self harm right now and take extra meds. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. I want it all to end. Parts of me want to die but that's not an option for me and my family. Thanks for all your support. It has been great keep it coming please. It's just that I was just in the hospital 2 months ago and it seems like I'm always going into the hospital and I want to end that cycle.

How did your session go?

my session went okay but I failed today, for the first time I bought razor blades and used one. I am not happy about it but it did feel good. It felt nice seeing the blood. I did text my pdoc about it and told her what happened. She doesn't know that I used it.

Did you get any insight as to why the trip was so hard?

My pdoc said its because people with Bipolar don't do well with crowds and I have Bipolar with a number of other disorders. I just want to scratch the razor spots that I did last night to see blood again.

Keep your head up and don't scratch the marks. I'm sorry your struggling but I'm gladed your pdoc is good one!!! Please be safe and take care!!!

I did scratch and it is very hard not too. My pdoc changed me to seroquel xr and I take it after dinner. Not doing much better today but holding onto a string of thread.

I was hoping for a more personal reason. Do you have a therapist also?

My pdoc is also my therapist. I just saw her about an hour and a half ago and she said it has to with the restlessness/agitation I'm getting from a side effect from Saphris one of the meds I am on. She wants me to put a band aid on the marks I made but I don't want my parents to find out. I see her tomorrow also.

Teresa, you are having difficulty because of much deeper reasons then your diagnosis and your meds. If you really want to heal I think that you have to look deeply at your issues and why you are having difficulties. We develop into these problems and if we want to work ourselves out of them it takes deep work. Is getting a therapist a possibility for you?

my pdoc is also my therapist plus I see her 3-4 times a week.

I'm talking about having your pdoc for meds and getting a different therapist to do therapy.

Then no it is not an option because she does both.

Does she have to do both though? Do you feel that you are making progress doing therapy with her? How long have you been with her doing therapy if you don't mind me asking?

yes i do feel that we are making progress through therapy. I started with her as a pdoc/t March of 2010. I can't see me seeing anyone else. Right now I'm paranoid, want to self harm, and thoughts of death(wanting to be dead at times)