nothing. I feel nothing.

trigger????

I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do. I tried, I really tried, but I just don't care sometimes... as much as I know what I'm doing, it feels like I'm not really "in the moment". once it's gotten into my head, whether it is to purge or cut or starve, that's all I can think of.......... I hate myself for that, but it's such a strong pull, it's like there's no other way... I know there is but once it has slipped into my mind I can't help it...... I totally lost it. I can't even look at it. I have been sitting here since 1/2 hour just starring at my screen, barely moving.... I feel totally dead. I know you can't feel dead but I can't feel anything. I don't even have the energy to "clean up".... I feel like a total waste of space, like a complete failure.... I feel like it's all for nothing, every day, every effort.... I can't handle the simplest things, I don't know myself anymore...... I don't think I've ever cut this bad. I wanted to feel something and I feel nothing. NOTHING. I want to cry. I can't. I want to scream. I can't. I want to know what emotions I'm feeling and why. I feel dead. I feel very alone. I'm sorry to keep doing this... I knew that I could do things to distract myself or try to find some support but I didn't want anything else. I don't know what I want.

That is a really hard place to be. I've been there too. I think I just had to hit the bottom and start bouncing back up again. Can you remember not feeling this way? That might be a place to start, so that you can believe that this isn't the way you will always feel. It's a dangerous place to be, so please get help if you need it, even if that means using a crisis service or ER.

Stay Safe,
Rap

I was in a very similar place not long ago. I agree with Rapunzel that after hitting bottom the only place to go is up. I know how it feels like you won't ever be anywhere but at the bottom like you are now, but you haven't always been here and will find your way out, I know you will. Keep talking if it helps, we will always listen. If you feel unsafe, call your T or doc or go to the er.

Take care of yourself as much as you can right now

thanks... I hate the fact that I got myself to this place again... and that I feel stuck. I don't know how to get out, where to turn.. what's right, what's wrong, what's normal, what's MY normal. In those moments you sometimes totally loose self-control, it's really weird.. I don't have a T, I luckily didn't have to go to the ER or ever have, but my cuts hurt now, I don't know why...they never hurt that much but I think it's b/c I cut so much, and all over each other...sigh. I don't know how the hell I cut so much. It hurts!!!!!!! It hurts when I move, when I touch that area, when someone else comes close, when I put my clothes on/ take them off... damn it.