[Rapunzel]

I was doing fine until yesterday when I found chocolate chips all over my daughter's bed. The kids found my stash that I had bought on sale to save up for Christmas baking, and 4 bags of chocolate chips were gone - all over their room. I threw things around a little, then had to go cut, went back to deal with the kids - they were still blaming each other and none of them admitting to having anything to do with taking the chocolate chips. I told them to clean their room and find the rest of the missing choc. chips, and I came here to chat and try to cool off. It did help a little. Got a phone call asking me to do an activity for the homeschool group today (can't say no of course), chatted a little more.

Between then and now I've done pretty much all the SI methods I ever use, and maybe made up some new ones too. Being mad at the kids particularly makes me want to bang my head. I thought cutting was an improvement since cuts heal but holes in the wall don't. The blood stains on my clothes started bothering me though, and I know where to bang my head without making holes now. Woke up this morning and the kids were still blaming each other and claiming they didn't do it. Got up, got mad, had to cut, went back to bed. That was the cycle until I absolutely had to get things together for the homeschool group. On the way there (40 minute drive) kept thinking I shouldn't be driving - didn't care about speed limits, wasn't sure I cared about stop signs - fortunately it was highway so we didn't have to find out, ...

Made it through the activity and nobody seemes to notice anything, but most of the time I felt like they weren't paying attention anyway. (I made soap - it's exciting when you put the lye in and it gets hot and turns colors, but after that pretty boring.) It would have been nice to have time to talk to my friend whose house it was at, but she was gone most of the time (that was why she asked me to fill in).

Anyway, remember when I said I was just going to go ahead and SI when I needed to and not hold things in and let it build up? My T even agreed with that plan. At that point it was just scratches though - he did ask how much damage I was doing. It's just getting worse though. At least it's in areas that aren't usually visible. It was rather dark and cloudy today (noticed that on the drive home). Must the weather always have so much control over me?

<font color=green>"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." -Jane Rubietta</font color=green>

[Zenobia]

Just wanted you to know that I got angry at my son today and then felt like killing myself for the first time in 2 months...has it really been two months? wow. So for me anyway there is a direct corrolation between anger toward my children and my need to self inflict injury. I am feeling better now but still want to dig a hole to hide in. I am not dealing well at all with the emotions that are flooding my brain and because I am a mom I can't walk out on the cause of those emotions that I need to hide from.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I am so sorry.

[sigh] Seems like everyone is hiding in dark corners these days. I have such scars on me from when I was gone, but today I just went ballistic and really sliced away myself.

It's bad.........whenever I am angry or just stressed that is what I do.

I hope that you are okay, maybe feeling a little better. How bad are they? I'm worried about you. Do you need a doctor?
I don't know how you manage without meds.

Please let me know somehow how hurt you are. I am so very sorry.

P.S. Carrie, the same applies to you. I am sorry for the distress you feel. Please take care of yourself. *****hugs****

Mary Alice

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}

I am hoping that you are doing better today hun. Please take care of yourself - you are too special to so many. I wish I knew what else to say to you except to let you know that you are in my thoughts.

{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}

Sending hugs to you too and hoping things get better.

{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}

I wish there was a magic wand to take away all of your pain. Please know that I care as well as so many here for all of you.


Heather

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."
~~author unknown

[PlanningtoLive]

Thinking about you {{{{{{{{{{{{{Wendy, Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Heather, ty.

Mary Alice

[somebodyelse]

I just saw this post today. I'm soo sorry that things have been going so badly and you had to cut. (I did too on Monday, because I was anxious about my appt. with my pdoc.)

Are you better now? How bad are the cuts?

[Rapunzel]

<font color=blue>I tried to post an update yesterday, but my internet connection was so bad it kept timing out or something. I kept trying for 5 hours and no luck. I think it's better today. I hope. Maybe my mood is a little bit better too - I don't know yet.</font color=blue>

Ozzie - thanks for chatting with me last night.

Carrie - thanks for the hugs - being mad at the kids is the worst, isn't it?

Heather - thanks for caring about me and saying nice things about me.

Mary Alice - thanks for worrying about me.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs to all of you}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

There really isn't any particularly bad damage - no doctor needed (I don't go to doctors anyway - I don't like them). It scared me that I kept doing it for so long, and that I was getting more inventive about it. I kept wanting to cut my neck. I'm still in a bad mood today. Hubby has the day off (Veteran's Day) so he wanted to go do things (he has a friend who wants to give us a male llama and I was feeling pressured into taking it but I'm trying to cut down on animals not get more, and it's not even the type or quality of llama that I would want, and this guy has such a nice house and barn and property it made me feel so rotten about my house and all that I'll never have, and when we were sitting around talking there were things I wanted to say but couldn't get a word in), and hubby has been on the computer and I wanted to check my messages and this board, and needed the computer to do my homework. I'm still not doing too well, but have'nt hurt myself today. I would have had therapy today but it will be Thursday because of the holiday. There is so much I need to get done this week.

I haven't used my light box or taken SJW since Friday. I wonder why I'm sabotaging myself.

I hope that all of you are doing okay. All this hiding in dark corners isn't really any fun.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Wendy

<font color=green>"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." -Jane Rubietta</font color=green>

[Rapunzel]

TY for being concerned about me. i hope that you are doing okay.

I must be doing a little better today - at least I'm out of bed, anyway. A little bit of a late start, but I don't have to be anywhere - just lots of reading and homework to do. It's really hard to care about that right now. None of the cuts are bad enough to need any treatment - there are just quite a few of them.


<font color=green>"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." -Jane Rubietta</font color=green>

[Rapunzel]

<font color=purple>further update:</font color=purple>

I went to therapy this afternoon. First talked about the kids getting into things and he had some ideas about dealing with that (allowance paid in quarters, which stays in a cup with each kid's name on their own cup - if they take things they lose quarters). Then I told him about the cutting (didn't even get into that I was finding new methods too). Now he says I have to stop doing it. I asked why, and he said because I have to be a role model for other people. "But they don't have to know about it." I'm blanking out on what he said in reply to that - something about that I know about it, oh, and since it keeps getting worse, what happens if I cut too much and need stitches. He also asked about meds and said maybe I should consider them. I said I was taking SJW, but had stopped taking it over the past week, and he said that he's pretty practical and if something works that's fine with him, but that I need to just plan to keep taking the SJW and not stop taking it. (I did start taking it again last night and have taken it today).

I feel like I ought to be able to stay in control without artificial help like SJW and light therapy, or even talk therapy. There's no tangible reason for me to get like this, but it happens anyway. Mary Alice, if I can get like this for almost no reason at all, then who is it that is whining? Not you. Then, on the other hand, sometimes I want to feel 'real' and need to let myself get out of control in order to feel 'real.'

Thanks for reading this. It is good to have a place where people understand. I hope that we are not just a bad influence on each other here, but the support and understanding and friendship are really wonderful.

Wendy

<font color=green>"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." -Jane Rubietta</font color=green>

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}

You should be proud of yourself. You are taking such an active role in your recovery. That is one thing that I truly admire about you (as well as so many others here). You may have a set back but you never lose sight of what you are striving for and you keep on ploughing through.

I am hoping your day is going well for you....you deserve it.


Heather

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life - it goes on."
~~Robert Frost

[Zenobia]

Quote:
I feel like I ought to be able to stay in control without artificial help like SJW and light therapy, or even talk therapy. There's no tangible reason for me to get like this, but it happens anyway.

We talk about this alot in my bi-polar group and I have talked about it with other people who have suffered different types of mental illness. The concensus with that our illnesses are labled wrong. They are called mental illnesses when in fact they are physical illnesses that have psychological affects. This does a disservice to us because not only do we lose our insurance coverage for our medical treatment because we are labled "mental" but we also carry the lable into our daily lives and hold to the ideal that it is some charector flaw in our thinking. Both of these things prolong our illnesses because we just are not getting the proper care from two fronts. We have to take care of ourselves while at the same time we are thinking that we are "just acting out" and should be able to do better. It makes me sad. I may have brain damage caused by poor brain development because of being raped when I was twelve and mentally shutting down so my brain shed more connections then it should have during the teenage brain growth spurt and shedding of excess connection. As a person with BPD it is likely my brain is up to 15% smaller in the 2 key areas of memory and emotion. But do I get the same medical care and rehabilitation that a person would get if she recieved trauma to the brain do to a car accident. No. Even though my problem is caused by traumatic events I am still labled "mental".

*Carrie steps down off her soap box."

Just something to think about.
CK

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson