It's Coming *******TRIGGER*************

Kind of a follow-up to my other post in Depression.

The minute I left my T's office and stepped outside, it was there and back in full force: the feeling of complete aloneness.

I can handle being alone physically, but not having someone to talk to that understands the real "me".........is beyond terror.
The last time this happened, I started drinking and cutting to an extreme. I can't drink now because I am home.

I don't think my T and I can come to any sort of negotiation agreement on this issue. Before I even got to my car, I wanted to hurt myself. I carry a mini-knife on my keyring just for this reason.

As I sit here, the urge is so bad...........the idea of just copping out and ending it all is there too. I promised my T no emails, no calls..............completely cut off from any support in my 3D world.

I have been browsing online for all those suicide websites, and trying to keep it all together here at home......I need to just escape here and get out. Anywhere, somewhere......and I can't. I want so badly to call my T just to hear him say he cares, don't be stupid, we'll talk about it. After he got my note, he didn't call me - just an email.

I have such a migraine. I look at my legs and it scares me. There are so many cuts and scars on them. I contemplated my wrist earlier but decided not to - just in case and I had to have that visible at work.

I went to chat last night and felt like I was intruding (no one made me feel that way, please believe that). I wanted to end it all last night, and that was before my session today with my T.

Surface-wise no one would even guess what I am thinking......which is good. At least my outer self can still control that aspect of my life at work and among people. Inside is just chaos. A mixture of pain, urges, abandonment, loss, terror, coldness, etc.

[sigh] On the way home I started planning again. My thoughts are nightmares lately when I sleep. Vivid, horrifying scenes. I wish I could go back to the hospital where I was safe before, but I can't. Insurance has changed and I can't afford to lose my job.

I think on my headstone should be the statement, "Found Peace".

I know everyone here has far bigger issues than this, please don't think I am just whining. I can't talk to anyone, or call.......so I need to type. I am sorry.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Please see the Mary Alice that we see.....you are so kind and thoughtful....caring....wonderful.....full of life - it is just hidden in there hun.

Vent as much as you have to....you are not whining at all. I would rather hear you vent, cry, yell, holler, anything than see you in pain.

Please know that so many care for you here.


Heather

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life - it goes on."
~~Robert Frost

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Your aloneness feels overwhelming to me. I want so badly for you to feel better, to like yourself, and to have people around you who love and care about you the way that a family should.

I don't think that you are whining. This is a good place to express your feelings and I just hope that it helps you. You know you can always talk to us.

<font color=green>"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." -Jane Rubietta</font color=green>

<3<3<3<3MARY ALICE<3<3<3

As much as it has become cliche to say this, i know exactly what you mean. Why is it that you are cutting all ties to your T? This doesn't sound like a good idea at all! But if nothing else you know that you always have everyone on here on your side! No one here wants to see you hurt, and much less to see you hurt yourself. I know how hard it is to say no to those suicide impulses, I fight them every day. I suppose all we can do is just keep waking up, no matter how hard we pray at night to never wake up again. Perhaps (as hard as it is) you should maybe consider seeing another T? I can't necessarily say this would solve anything though, just an idea i suppose. I can tell you are such a caring and wonderful person just from your posts to me and others in the past, and the world would never be the same without such a beautiful person in it. Don't ever feel bad about whining here, that's what we're here for. Just know that I'm thinking about you and cheering for you!

*hugs* Kelly

Heather, that part died so long ago - almost 10 years to be exact. You are such an optimistic person, always seeing the good in people.

I wish I believed and saw things the way you do.

xoxo

Mary Alice,

Heather isn't wrong. I've seen that part of you here. She is you. It's just hard for you to recognize her. You are a wonderful person. I'm glad you're here.

Wendy

<font color=green>"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." -Jane Rubietta</font color=green>

{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}

I wish I was closer to you and the others here in terms of distance. It would be nice to have you all in my life in person as well as online.

It's bad - I admit it. If I didn't type, I would just completely give up and end it all.

Like I said to Heather, the good part of me died 10 years ago. Alex is NOT an only child - he is actually one of 5 boys. The oldest is 22. The youngest one then was only 28 days old and I was still nursing him. I lost my other boys because of my ex-husband. I have had no contact with them since that time. Please understand that is not by my choice. I mention this only so it sheds some light on my extreme love for Alex and for my freezing of emotions otherwise.

I can't open that door and talk about my other children - it's basically a sealed spot. No one knows about them in 3D (my husband does and uses it to hurt me constantly). I had a breakdown then and it took a long time for me to be able to go any place where there were children - I carried my baby's blanket with me everywhere and thought I heard them all the time.

The only person that has ever accepted me for who I am is my T. It's been so good to have that anchor and now it is gone. I am lost.

{{{{{{{{{{Kelly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Here I thought I had scared you away.......glad to see you.

I'm cutting ties with my T because my reason for seeing him is not the same as his for seeing me. We have different goals towards my sessions with him.

I honestly could care less about hurting myself, unfortunately. The marks are bad, and getting worse. As the days progress and the loneliness gets more apparent to me, it will cause many issues for me.

I tried seeing other Ts before, but they terrified me and I could never talk to them. Thank you for the compliment.........that is so sweet. It is easy for me to care about other people - it is what I do best. Caring about me is a whole other discussion.

Stay around.......... *******hugs************

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm so sorry. You don't have to tell us anything you aren't comfortable with. I still say that Heather isn't wrong and you are a good person, caring, loving, intelligent, strong, and the list goes on.....

Wendy

<font color=green>"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." -Jane Rubietta</font color=green>

Wendy :::::::::taking off the glasses::::::::::::: see me as who, and what I am. I appreciate the compliments, but I'll turn them around and tell you that they describe you so much more accurately.

xoxo

you wrote:

<font color=red>It is easy for me to care about other people - it is what I do best. Caring about me is a whole other discussion.</font color=red>

I just wish that you could care about you also. I stand by what I have said about you.

xoxoxox

<font color=green>"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." -Jane Rubietta</font color=green>

{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}

You can believe them hun....I know how hard it is to see all of these terrific things people say about you....there is a part of you that can't see them - but that is just right now. It is there though.

I remember you telling me about your sons before through email and I remember thinking to myself - wow - this woman has been to hell and back. Mary Alice - I admire you and think you are awesome. I have said it before and I am going to say it again....you are one of the strongest women I know. You truly are. Gosh I wish you could see that hun

I do see the good in people because that is what is shown to me ...especially by you. I look up to women like you and I know that so many others do too. When I read these posts everyday, I see men and women who's strength is blowing me away. I draw from that and you can too.

Gosh you guys all are amazing to me .


Heather

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life - it goes on."
~~Robert Frost

{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}}

(((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))) =

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

{{{{{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}}}}