Needing Support. (its been awhile). Big Time Urges To Cut.

Hello.
Its been awhile since I have been in this state of mind. I feel quite murderous.

Back ground - I live in a house with the most evil, sadistic fck's its ever been my 'mis-pleasure' to know. I have not felt so angry for such a long time. This 'living' state has been going on since april this year.
This 'man' (if you could call him that), is pure evil (and the people he attracts). If any who read this has seen the British riots recently on the news, He is like one of them. He a black guy with white, black and mix race friends who think they are gangsters (which is a joke because he lives here and has no car and is on welfare and has to rob students and rip people off to get by).
Where I live students to such evil people are easy targets. That makes my blood boil.

This person robbed me in the first week of living in the 3 flat building I live in. The police have been here constantly since he moved in, he still walks the streets and is not locked up. Mass in-justice is going on here.
He likes to think he's a gangster (thats the biggest joke ever). He says that he created the wearing of purple in between the 'Hoods' that walk the street, again another massive joke. He sit in front of a playstation playing - Grand Theft Auto (san andrea's), and all the 'Hoods' in that game wear purple. Its a fcking joke, and he says, and I quote - "have you seen people dressed in purple", he says, "I created that, thats me that, I started that fashion dress sense". Again I cannot but laugh my a s s off.

This weekend from friday till sunday morning at about 6;30am, hes doing his thing, which is snorting white lines and being a complete a s s. Creating madness with next door. They hammer on the walls and scream at him to turn his music (if you could call it that) down. I have not slept and being a complete wreck since friday, I can see trouble coming. It did, the police were again all over this house, he was screaming at the people on the street who were asking him to tone it down (I have been trying to help him a lot since I met him but now I give up), hes violent - but only when hes with others like him. Hes 30 yrs old (thats a shame BIG TIME). He has a kid on the way???????????????????????????????????????.

I am powerless to get out at the moment, I am having to be patient here so I cannot move quickly with no one to help me ( no family to help , no friends to help NO ONE TO HELP).
The police will not lock him up till hes done something really bad, and hes clever at hiding what hes done (well, when I say clever, hes not clever, hes the stupidest person I have ever met). Its just there is no proof.

So................I sit watching self harm films (studying the psychology of self harm than actually doing it). Also I play - with out using them, with my razors and blades by my bed. I have not eaten since friday, I am weak and hollow, I have not slept, and I think about the times when I did self harm, I was dissasociated with the world around me. I also got to sleep well too.

Any advice, that does not include moving, seeing a T or any thing too obvious (I am moving - when a house comes up, - I see a T and I am medicated BIG TIME so I can deal with this).

Now the people around me are assosiating me with this (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr), i am trying not to swear..................................this 'person'.

Any who read this, if you want a mental picture of this person, just think about the worst kind of scum who is an opportunist in theft, batters his g/f, and like to dress like a character from a 'Video Game' - (grand theft auto).

I live now in perpetual urge to cut and have big time cutting sessions. Its over whelming and too much to resist.
I dont really want to , but in my private act of cutting the world goes away.
I sleep.
I dont care about the future.
I would not care if this 'man' turned up missing (you may know what I mean).

The only emotion that comes from this state of mind is anger and hatred (which is not me).

Vent over.
Thanks.

Get help. Don't know where you live or what your finances or insurance is like but it does not matter. You are in a bad situation with feelings on the verge of unmanagable. If you have to, go to the fire department or the emergency department, be honest, and let them help you. Print out your post and take it with you if you have trouble expressing yourself. Even if you have to be hospitalized in a sh.thole, you will be safe from yourself and this ahole. People get paid to help people in situations such as yours. There is always a way out.

Thanks Set Me Free. Getting away is top of my list. I live in the UK. Its not that simple at the moment. I own too many books and sentimental things to just abandon.
I have "NO CHOICE", but to stay here and pray for a way out.
There is no system here to deal with situations like this.
I am leaving the country as soon as possible.
I have no choice but to wait.
My problem is - my urges to not care - i.e - my urges to start cutting again.
I found escape like in the bottom of a bottle of wine, when I used top cut. When I cut before, I became the monster, I became the one saying 'burn in hell', to the abusers.
Maybe when I have slept properly and eaten I may be able to function. I honestly think though I will purge straight away - just because of stress. Stress causes so many things to happen. I have lost almost half a stone in 2 weeks just due to stress. The rings on my fingers are loose. I am 6ft 3ins, male, and under 11 st (not good).

Thanks for reply. You are right though, I need to get out. Its just how long can I wait till I break.

Gonna head off (in to my own world), wish me luck.

I'll try to resist, but I dont hold out much chances for that.
I need to cut ( at least 1 cut), i'll try to make it shallow.
See you at the end of the week.

I must say 'cutting Is Not an option'. To myself its a reaction. A reaction to stress and the crap in 'personal' worlds.
Also an addiction, I found that out over 5 years.
Its personal too ( BIG TIME ).

See you soon, and again, 'wish me luck'.

Sanada, this roommate seems to make you really angry. Does he remind you of someone from your past?

Sanada. I know you're still following this thread...They used to tell me to draw red lines on my arms as "symbolic" cuts or cut a pillow and watch the feathers fly...we both know this is crap. They also told me that one day I would cut too deep and die accidently. This never happenedobviously...the problem with superficially cutting is that you get into that zone and it's very hard to get back out. I will be thinking about you and sending good energy your way. Please let me know what's up. I'll check in later.

Sanada - I don't really have any advice or anything, but wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.

Hi Sannah. Thank you for the reply.

Good question, and yes he does remind me of someone from my past.

My Father.

My father was many things in life. Army (high up). Very high earner in work around the globe (oil), and published writer.
Dad was also (when I was born) older and very bitter and violent without thought of whom he caused mental anguish to.

There are similarities to this person who lives in my house. The only one being that this guy 'does not care about the harm he does'. This guy though has achieved nothing else yet in life. So I am finding it hard to see any good side to his persona. I have tried to help him loads this year, I have tried to tell him he has a lot to offer the world but (I realise now) its all been in vain.

I am aware of the root of my anger, I did not run away from home when I was 20 (and I did not see my family for 17-18yrs), only to find my self @ 40 being terrorised by a 30 yr old.

Yes he does remind me of growing up in what I call the "Micro - Totalitarian State". The home life ruled by a dictator.

Thank you set me free.
Its now Wed 19th october.
I am feeling better. I threw myself into studies and stories that are self harm related so it reminds me of why I stopped and managed to go so far 6 months with no cutting.
O.M.Goodness though the temptation was there. I knew though that if I had cut then I would not be in psych central talking to you guys. I would feel like crap if I had cut. I have not cut since finding PC, so to cut then be back so soon would be (to myself), the hight of disrespect to the people here who have helped me.

You take care Set Me Free. I promise to do the same also.

Hello Nicole.
Thinking of you too. I have resisted the urge and come thorough. With help from you guys @ Psych Central.

Keep on talking. And talking and talking and talking! Log on, even if you have to do it from hell.

Thank you Set Me Free.

I will log on where ever I am, be it heaven or hell.

I just want to say thank you. To all who are regulars to self harm forums (I know who you are).

This week was bad, its been bad for awhile.
I was 'filled' with urges all the 4 days since Sunday. I was fighting the urges, and at the same time wanting to give in to the urges.

I Did Not.

Thank you all who replied and gave support. That's why I am here. You are all beautiful in helping me not give in to urges (even when I am away having to reflect), you are always in my mind.
To give in would be to betray you in you're support for me. I will not betray you. I love you.

Thank you so much. Without you I would be lost in a world of indifference.
You give my life purpose and direction.
You Give Me Support.
I will not let you down (and if I did let you down, I know you would not judge me.......).

Thank you all in this forum.