[Nemo39122]

Today would've been a year without SI...but it's not. Instead it's just a huge trigger for all the reasons I started again, and all the reasons it seems impossible to stop.

I don't think I regret it though. At least I didn't until now.

[nicoleb2]

Nemo,

I won't even pretend to have any advice because you know how I've been doing.

I really can't offer anything other than my support. Feel free to pm me or chat.

I'm thinking of you!

(sorry, they don't have any bubblewrap smilies...)

[Gr3tta]

I'm sorry Nemo. I have found it best not to keep track of any dates, because realizing I've gone a long time can be triggering. Like how dare I go so long without? Maybe it would be best for you to not keep track? Maybe ask T or a trusted friend to keep track for you? (just a suggestion) I hope you can treat yourself gently. Thank you for sharing this.

[Sannah]

What triggered this SI urge?

[virtualhugs95]

Originally Posted by Gr3tta

I'm sorry Nemo. I have found it best not to keep track of any dates, because realizing I've gone a long time can be triggering. Like how dare I go so long without? Maybe it would be best for you to not keep track? Maybe ask T or a trusted friend to keep track for you? (just a suggestion) I hope you can treat yourself gently. Thank you for sharing this.

i agree, just have a rough count and not exact dates.

[Nemo39122]

Originally Posted by Sannah

What triggered this SI urge?

Mostly the same things that were triggering urges all year. Depression, family issues (meaning past abuse issues that are either ignored or I'm blamed for), and trying to be successful or even just functioning in college and martial arts, when most of the time I feel like I can't handle it.

Around September or October I started to get much more depressed than I had been in a long time, maybe ever. I felt suicidal almost every day and was starting to be scared that I was actually going to do something about it this time. I would do things like drive to the top floor of the campus parking garage and just sit there thinking. Or drive 80mph on skinny curvy roads that it's slightly dangerous to drive the speed limit of 45mph on, just hoping to "accidentally" hit something. I just wanted to disappear.

The holidays coming up just added to all of it, because of the family issues. Honestly things aren't any better now, the difference is I'm to the point of just feeling numb alot of the time. The days I don't feel numb scare me. Then I SI to feel numb. Typically the only time I manage to avoid it is if I drink instead, which I know isn't a good idea either but I have trouble resisting an opportunity to drink.

So that's what triggered starting again, which was right before Thanksgiving. I ended up making this a longer post than I meant to...

[crazylife]

Don't knock yourself to much instead take on the length of time you coped without it. A long time really, so be proud of yourself for that at least. It's just human to slip up it's what you do now with it that matters. Good luck x

[Mylifeisdepressing]

Congratulations on going so long without SI! That in itself is a huge accomplishment, remember that. As for starting back up again, idk how you kept yourself from SI for so long, but try that again, and let us know how your doing. You don't need to keep track of the days you have not self injured, try just taking it day by day. Every day, instead of saying, it's been 25 days, say, I am not going to SI today. Hope it helps we r always here for you and we know what your going through, let us know how it goes

[Sannah]

Nemo, I can't remember if you have a therapist?

[roads]

Originally Posted by Nemo39122

Typically the only time I manage to avoid it is if I drink instead, which I know isn't a good idea either but I have trouble resisting an opportunity to drink.

When I first started learning about SI, I felt a close identity because of my alcoholism. The compulsion, the numbness, the release ... Many points in common. Do you think they're much alike? Is SI addicting for you?

For me, each timemark in AA seemed like one of those opposite poles in magnets, just pushing me away with something akin to the Terminator's strength.

[Nemo39122]

Sannah: No, I don't have a T right now. Over Thanksgiving weekend my mom finally decided to mention that she had found out about the SI and depression and everything back in September (I knew she found out), and was going to help me find a T, but that didn't happen. She seems to only even mention a T when she's yelling at me...as if it's punishment or I'm just acting "crazy" or something.
I am thinking of ways to find a T by myself, preferably without family knowing. My spring semester starts in 2 weeks, so maybe I can talk to a counselor there.

roadrunnerbeepbeep: SI is very addicting for me. Most times I SI, I don't even know why. Sometimes I even feel okay, but do it anyway. I guess I feel like I have to or something...I'm not sure why.

[Sannah]

Looking into therapy on campus is a good idea. Can you ask your mom about the status of the therapist?

RoadRunner, SI and substance abuse are similar addictions. People have addictions to help them deal with their feelings and all of the addictions release endorphins which improve the mood.

[Sanada]

Originally Posted by Gr3tta

I'm sorry Nemo. I have found it best not to keep track of any dates, because realizing I've gone a long time can be triggering. Like how dare I go so long without? Maybe it would be best for you to not keep track? Maybe ask T or a trusted friend to keep track for you? (just a suggestion) I hope you can treat yourself gently. Thank you for sharing this.

.

Nice 1 gretta (gr3tta).
Not keeping dates would work I guess. I have been counting days since my last s/h (April 2011, it stopped when I came here).
Thats a good 'idea' G, counting days maybe counter productive for ones here (me too). Counting days from s/h is thinking all the time about it.
TY for that G.

[Sanada]

Hello Nemo....Happy New Year.

Triggering is going to happen all the time I guess, its how we deal with it that counts. I have been addicted to s/h (s/i), it is like alcohol and drugs, its addictive.
I say to my T though that I was born additive to life...

i.e........I told my T that when I was 5-7 yrs old i was addicted to films and music and chess. I would wake in the morn and think of nothing else, the music and films and the way I will win at chess was only on my mind.
i guess the point I was trying to make to ym T was 'I have an addictive persona', she said 'so do I'. I guess that we are all controled by something in our lifes that helps us "seem" we have control.

I asked my T................ 'I am an adult male, when I wake up in the morn, the only thing I think of is control of my emotions. So must I play music, read a book, watch a dvd, or even go for a walk to control how my day proceeds. Or do 'I' control how I feel. She could not ans that question. The only thing I got from that session is that 'I' am in control of "what 'I' do", how 'I' feel will not change'.

I asked myself what do I do....(I am still asking myself that).

I do not surpose to know deep down how you feel nemo. I guess the only advice I could give is (I guess), trust your instinct, cutting and counting dates are one and the same to me.
Instinct guides really well. Trust your self and the people you can irl.

(btw....sui is something i have been through and i have thought about lots, but I love life too much now........its some thing at the back of my mind now, I know its there, but I have control of it now).

To be Triggered is to be alive. To deal with it well is to be Human...

((nemo)). dont beat your self up over dates.

I hoped this helped in any way possible.
S
xxxx