Just thinking

BlueMoon6 · Jan 22, 2012, 06:34 PM

I have not done it in a long time, way over 1 year. I have a regular, normal life (children and all) and things seem to be going pretty well. All of a sudden I have thoughts of doing it. I can't ignore the thoughts, but it doesn't mean I have to do it. I will feel better initially and then awful after. I have been thinking about doing it for the last 2 days.

I was noticing a few days ago that I was feeling depressed, like I used to. Not as bad at all, but that heaviness started creeping in. I am on Lexipro and Wellbutrin and I like my dose. I really can't go up because then I have trouble sleeping. I also don't have health insurance temporarily and can't go see a "pill lady" right now to work on a dose. I am totally afraid of changing meds.

I am just posting to get it out of my head and "in the open" so it makes it less likely I will act on it. I haven't posted on PC in ages. Sigh. I do not want these thoughts to get any stronger. Yuck. Feeling irritable. Thanks for listening.

Mysterygirl202 · Jan 22, 2012, 09:18 PM

It's a neveredning cycle unless you end it youself. I've been two weeks without... but i found it really similar to my bad foods decisions. Eating a whole bunch of food, feeling guilty, so then starving yourself to feel better which only makes you feel bad so you eat a lot of food again. Its the same thing as scratching/cutting is in a way.

BlueMoon6 · Jan 22, 2012, 10:57 PM

It really just seems like it never ends. I wonder when I will ever be free of these thoughts. I know for sure acting on it makes them stronger and more frequent. I have had that conversation in therapy about how not eating is SI. And binging is SI, too. Sometimes there are other things that I have done that I did not realize was SI. I really do not want to do things that hurt myself, I want to feel joy in this life and I do a lot of the time.

I think if I sloooow down I can figure out what triggered these thoughts, but my mind goes there so quickly and if I don't tell myself to STOP I can act on it.

Thank you for replying to me, MG, I really needed someone to just say something.

Sannah · Jan 23, 2012, 10:36 AM

Hi Blue! Long time no see. You said that you are starting to feel depressed again. I see depression as feelings turned inward instead of being expressed and dealt with. Then wanting to SI to improve your mood. Anything change recently? Anything bothering you more now? Are you still working?

BlueMoon6 · Jan 23, 2012, 11:20 AM

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Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi Blue! Long time no see. You said that you are starting to feel depressed again. I see depression as feelings turned inward instead of being expressed and dealt with. Then wanting to SI to improve your mood. Anything change recently? Anything bothering you more now? Are you still working?

Sannah, it is so good to see you! Uh...yeah....everything. I have had to change jobs. I am starting a new one soon. Hopefully. I am in the process of starting. I need to be making some money. My husband is really getting on my nerves. We have been fighting a lot lately. I am studying for my masters and taking my boards for another certification this July and very nervous about it. Studying and afraid I will fail. My kids that are teens are in a state of.....the way teenagers are....and I know they are teens and I don't over-react, but it makes me sad that they can get so critical of me over every little thing. I know it is expected for teenagers to be self-centered, and some are more than others, but my 2 oldest daughters and now my older son can be really mean (especially to his younger brother). Where did their little sweet selves go? Ugh! I can go on and on...and my 1st grader is having trouble with reading, I just met with her teacher.....it all makes me want to cry....

It sometimes feel like everything is closing in on me and I just want to get off the planet. I cannot even go there thinking about hurting myself, that would be my old way of dealing with things. I am (supposedly) more mature. When I feel overwhelmed, maturity goes out the window and I want anesthesia for my feelings.

I am home today trying to study....and doing everything else but studying....

Blah, blah, blah. I would love to hear how you are doing! How's stuff with food?

Sannah · Jan 23, 2012, 11:35 AM

Blue, you sound so busy! Are you nervous about the new job? Do your teenager's treatment of you trigger up past feelings for you? Are they angry with you that you are working and have less time? Are they upset about you and your husband's fighting? First grade is still "learning how to read" time. Did you and the teacher come up with a plan?

I'm fine with food. I've started some new exercise videos which are really good and are getting me into good shape. You helped me a lot with friends and I'm doing really well with that now. Your help got me moving in the direction of being less defensive which helped immensely all around.

BlueMoon6 · Jan 23, 2012, 11:59 AM

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Originally Posted by Sannah

Blue, you sound so busy! Are you nervous about the new job? Do your teenager's treatment of you trigger up past feelings for you? Are they angry with you that you are working and have less time? Are they upset about you and your husband's fighting? First grade is still "learning how to read" time. Did you and the teacher come up with a plan?

I'm fine with food. I've started some new exercise videos which are really good and are getting me into good shape. You helped me a lot with friends and I'm doing really well with that now. Your help got me moving in the direction of being less defensive which helped immensely all around.

It is really nice to hear that you are doing well with friends. I am sure you are a wonderful and very loyal friend. Exercise videos are so good because you can do them at home. Do you like Yoga? I had been doing more than I am now, but I love the meditation. I am slowly getting back into it. What exercise videos are you doing?

I am nervous about the job. I am doing all of this preliminary interviewing. I would like to start already. I need to be making money.

Yes, my teens treatment of me is very triggering. Like I am not doing a good enough job with them. Which is what they tell me! Are they for real? I have dedicated my life to them, to all of my children, it hurts to hear how I am not "taking care of them" the way they want. I just cannot have fresh cooked meals every night. That is what they complain about. Can you imagine? They sometimes have to eat leftovers. I also tell them if they don't like dinner, they CAN prepare something for themselves. I get grumble, grumble back from them. They would prefer to have me home and not working to cater to their every whim!

My 1st grader is in an integrated classroom and one of the teachers is a special ed teacher. My daughter is in regular math, but special ed for reading. They do a nice program where they learn to read in a different way than the rest of the class. She takes about 8 kids out for this special reading program. She does okay, but has a very short attention span. She plays around, makes up words, holds the book upside down. Ack! Other than that she is sweet and quiet. Not hyper. I asked them if they had any experience with ADD. They didn't think she had ADD. They said she is a strong math student and focuses well. So why can't she read? I have an appointment with a developmental pediatrician in 2 weeks. Just for a consult. I know the pediatrician, so that is why I am taking my d to her.

It is helping me a lot to post. I am getting some good studying time in this morning. After I posted how I couldn't study, I started focusing. Thanks, Sannah

Sannah · Jan 23, 2012, 12:11 PM

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